I felt what it was like to lose the other half of your soul. I will live until I decay naturally to keep Aaron from that fate—that hell.
Chapter Thirty Seven
November 2022
Aaron
He looks so much like an angel here—in this timeless picture. This infinite fall—his arms reaching out to me, hair flying up around his head, the water glistening below him. My shirt and my sweatpants, white sneakers. But he isn’t smiling anymore. He was—I know he was. I can’t see it—this infinite moment keeps me locked here. But I know just moments ago Benjamin was smiling.
I know we’ll probably die when we reach the water—with how fast it’s moving, the rocks, the height. Once this moment resumes—once our infinity runs out—we’ll die. But neither of us will be without the other, and if there is one saving grace in this fucked-up world, it’s that.
“We’re connected, Button. We can’t live without each other now.”
I stare at him—my Button. His beautiful hazel eyes that reflect my figure falling after him. His little button nose, soft cheeks. If the sun wasn’t dipping so low, I’d be able to see it reflect off of his nose ring. If he was still smiling, I’d be able to see those dimples. Seeing him—even like this—one more time, is worth dying. If he’d gone over and I’d stayed at the top, I’d have never seen him falling, would have never seen him float here in this moment of forever. I’d give my life to see him one more time—there was not a second of doubt in me when I jumped. I knew what it meant—I know what it means to die. I know now, as I hang here a couple of feet behind him, looking down at his face as he stares up, horrified.
I know he’s mad. I know he doesn’t want me to die. But I didn’t want him to die either—and here we are. All’s fair in love and death.
I’m staring at his hands that are stretched up above himself. They’re making me think of him lying in our bed—reaching for me, whining and crying.
“Aaron—Aaron please come here and touch me.”
Like he’ll die without me. Like he’ll die without getting his hands on my body and adoring it like he’s worshiping at an altar.
Benjamin’s a couple of feet below me and he’s falling to his death. I’d jump off of a million bridges to follow him. In the end he is getting the relief he was searching for—and I’ll find him again. In our next life I’ll search the globe until he is in front of me and I’ll ask him—are you happy? Can I hold you? I love you.
I’ll never hold him again in this lifetime. I try to open my mouth and tell him I love him, but he can’t hear me. I wasted so much time being scared. I spent so long trying to protect my heart—to protect Benjamin, that I got to him too late. I think he was right—if we would have admitted to falling in love way back when—it would have been a beautiful story. But instead, we are here.
I resent myself for the hesitance—for the nobility that was all in vain. I carry so much regret.
But here in this forever—in this moment between life and death—I guess it’s not really the time to feel regret. I have him now; I have him here. And when our moment ends and our time comes to pass—I will not make these same mistakes again. Next time around I will kiss him, I will confess, I will tell him I love him and lay claim to him in my bedroom—rules be damned.
So, for now—since after death is already decided—I will just enjoy this picture. This view of the ever-falling Benjamin—the golden hair, the hands that are always reaching for me.
“Aaron, my darling God.”
Yes, Button. I’m a generous god who allowed you the space to try and heal on your own. I’m a patient god who didn’t cry or push when you wouldn’t speak a word to me for weeks. I’m a caring god who holds you when you cry. But mostly—baby—I am a loyal god. Forever loyal to the hands that control him. Wherever you go—I will follow. Even in death. I would follow you tothe depths of Hell if it meant laying my eyes upon you one more time. Touching your skin, breathing your air.
This love I carry is so intense—so all-consuming that it cannot be described as anything other than pure, unadulterated devotion. Benjamin may have got onto his knees and given his life to me—but I was already his long before he made me a god.
I look at him falling here with me—below me, before me. I would kiss the ground he walks on. I will stay in this forever with him for as long as we’re given, I will give anything to keep it. We will most certainly die at the end and I’m not ready to say goodbye to this lifetime’s Benjamin.
I want him curled up in my arms—face in my neck, hands around my waist. I want him so safe and warm that he’s purring against me, all defenses down. I want to take every horrible thing that ever drove him to this point—this bridge, this death—and swallow it whole. Keep it from him. But alas—I cannot hold a memory and we’re already falling.
Benjamin is falling below me, and he looks so fucking beautiful like this. I’ll love him in every lifetime and every moment in between.
And so the god follows his disciple over the edge—hands outstretched, love eternal—locked in their moment of free fall.
Chapter Thirty Eight
April 2023
Aaron
five months later
Ican hear my mom. Whatever she’s saying is unintelligible—but I know it’s her. My mouth feels like a desert and my body like lead. How long have I been asleep? What is this beeping?
“Mom?” My voice does not sound like my own. Shuffling—a glass breaking on the floor.
