“No.” He finally meets my eyes. “After the third time you woke and ran to Aaron’s room screaming they had to do something to stop you.”Third time?My heart sinks. I want to throw up.
“How long has it been?”
“Since you were admitted? A couple of days. You’re about to be released—your concussion is much better, and they’re no longer scared you have any illness or underlying medical issues.” Felix is staring at me like he has nothing left to give—like his emotional bank is empty.
“Aaron?” He shakes his head. “Let me see him.”
“No. You’ll come home with me. You’re lucky you only—”
“Lucky? No—lucky would be I didn’t slip—or Aaron never jumped in after me. Lucky would be I died on impact. Not this fucking hell.” I watch in real time as the anger takes over Felix’s features.
“Benjamin. I have always been patient and gentle with you. Our whole lives. Butno more. I know you love him, I know. And I know the guilt is probably hard to bear. But that’s my brother in that room not waking up.My brother. So unfortunately, I can’t spend my entire day trying to console you or convinceyou to not freak out over his body. I love you—and I’m here for you if you want support or someone to lean on in a healthy way. But maybe go ahead and consider yourself at least a little lucky—you know—since youwoke up.”
He’s panting—staring at me with regret and relief written all over his face. His words sit heavily inside of me, wrapping themselves around my heart.
“You’re right.” I whisper, looking at the ceiling. I can’t look at his face anymore. It hurts. “I’m sorry. I’m just… I—”
“I know, Bear.” Felix sits on the bed, running a hand over my tear-stained cheek. I flinch away. “We’ll get through this together. Aaronwillwake up. He spent years finding a way to be with you—there’s no way he’s letting a coma ruin it. He’s a dick like that.” We both crack a small smile at that because yeah—he is one stubborn dick.
“Okay, thanks.” We stare at each other for a moment.
“Bear? You have to get better.” I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know how to get better. “What happens when he wakes up? Are you going to continue living the way you do now? What about all those promises you made?”
He’s right. WhatamI going to do? I have no resources—no ideas, no experience that doesn’t involve Aaron fixing it. Am I even able to do this? To be better for him? To be the version of myself that won’t hurt him?
“Fe—” I’m tearing up again. “How? I want to—but how?” He smiles down at me, gentle and loving.
“Therapy. Support. Positivity. It is possible—we’ll do it together. As a family.”
“And what if… what if he wakes up and he doesn’t remember me?” I can feel my body falling apart at the thought—at the nightmare.
“Then he’ll just have to fall in love with you all over again.”
They’ve let me back into Aaron’s room now that I’m discharged and a bit more stable. He looks peaceful—his black curls pushed back from his face, dark lashes resting on the top of hischeekbones. His lips are a little dry—so Kayla puts Chapstick on him. He looks like he’s at home—taking a nap on the couch. He looks like my Aaron.
“Aaron. It’s me—Button.” I sit on the edge of his bed, lay my palm over his heart. “I’m being discharged and I’m going to get better. The first thing I’m going to do when you wake up—after kicking your ass for jumping over that railing—is tell you how much I love you. How right you were. One of us cannot exist without the other. Not anymore.” I kiss his mouth very gently, feel his breath on my lips, and let Felix take me to his apartment.
???
“Benjamin—it’s normal to feel like everything is pointless when you experience so much pain. Some people are dealt all of their bad cards early, rather than spread out over their lifetime like most.” Dr. Howard shuffles the papers in his lap. “You’re an incredibly strong young man. You have more than enough maturity—enough heart, to overcome the abuse of your father—the sexual assaults, the cheating of your long-term boyfriend. The drug abuse, the self-harming. All of these things—you can overcome them.”
I sigh, picking at my sock where my feet are crisscrossed on the couch I’m sitting on. Therapy is weird.
“But it’s a lot and I don’t have that much time.” Dr. Howard chuckles like I’ve said something amusing to him.
“I wasn’t aware we were in a time crunch. Listen—you don’t have to be completely healed in a month. Every day you will feel better—every week and every month. It’ll add up and before you know it, you’ll see a significant change. The fact of the matter is—you willalwaysbe better than the day before.”
I can feel the hot tears pricking at my eyes, so I avoid looking at him.
“I want to be better when Aaron wakes up.” I admit. This is only my second session with Dr. Howard—we haven’t done too much work.
“Ah—your boyfriend. I think where you’re at in this very moment is already a significant improvement from before the jump. Don’t you? He’ll be proud of that in itself. And you’ll be getting better every day from here on out, too.” He’s right, I know he is. I was just hoping it would be easier.
I can’t go home without Aaron. I’ve been staying with Felix for the past week. I’ll be seeing Dr. Howard on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Felix and Kayla make me have dinner with them every night and sometimes we go out after their classes or workdays end. It’s true, I am significantly better than I was. But I think a big part of it has nothing to do with therapy or family dinner.
“Are you ready to continue, Benjamin?”
“Yes.”
