“That’s what a god does.” He says simply—startling me down to my bones. “That’s what I’m made to do—to care for you—to guideyou, no?” Slowly, I find myself nodding. He’s closed half of the gap by now—hands outstretched as he walks—staring up at me like he’ll scream if I make any sudden moves.
“If I didn’t want this—if I didn’t crave being that kind of person for you—I would have never let you get on your knees in front of me and devote yourself to me. I would have never buried myself so deep inside of you that our souls intertwined into one.” I can feel the hot tears slipping all the way down my neck as I watch him, listen to him.
He’s convincing me… and maybe he’s right. He does like taking care of me. And maybe with time I can feel better? I started to feel better after the first time—eventually.
“The moment you let me sink my teeth into you—no—the moment you stood there and let me watch you shower, staring at me with those curious, sweet eyes of yours—you became mine. You can’t just leave. You’re stealing. You’re taking from me what’s mine, Button. It’s not fair.” I see my necklace in one of his hands, feel that barbed wire around my throat tighten.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper—because I am. Because I want to jump so badly. “I just wanted to follow in their footsteps. My parents.” Aaron takes a deep breath, now close enough to grab me if he wanted to.
“It’s okay, baby. I forgive you.” He’s staring up at me, hand held out for me. Inches away. “Benjamin—come down. Now.”
Nodding, I turn away from the water. He’s right, I can’t just leave him. At least not like this—not in front of him. And I could never deny him anyway. I reach a hand out, feeling his fingertips on mine.
My sneaker catches on the box holding my mom’s ashes. I’d forgotten she was there.
My stomach falls as I slip backwards—hearing a scream that might be mine but is probably Aaron’s as I watch the sky above me—falling. It’s so slow, so slow in time.
I spent so long trying to save Mom—just for her to kill me in theend.
I feel the tension leave my body as I fall, as I hurdle toward an end I’ve dreamt of for so long.
And then terror fills me anew as I see Aaron clear the railing—hand outstretched as if to grab me. He’s so beautiful, even like this. Petrified and upside down. He will die too.
My stupid, silly little blue bird. Doesn’t he know he can’t really fly?
I didn’t want to hurt anyone. And now I’ve killed him. I’m sorry—I’m so fucking sorry.
Goodbye.
???
The familiar sounds of beeping monitors and low chatter surround me. I am on the edge of consciousness and I know I’m afraid. I know there is something here that I need to see—need to find. What was it? I can’t seem to remember.
I was so warm before. So warm and put together. Safe—as if I was home. Where was I? How did I gethere? Did I overdose again? Where’s Aaron? Felix? Things were so okay—so perfect.
Aaron—come get me. Aaron, I’m lost here on the edge—what’s happened to me?
I think I’m screaming it, but I can’t hear my own voice. I know he’ll find me if he hears me. Aaron loves me—actually really does. And he’ll fix it. He’ll fix this. He can fix anything.
Anything….
Aaron? Where is he? Could he not fix it? What was it?
Oh—the party. He couldn’t stop her. He couldn’t fix me. I was killing him. The bridge—did I fail? Am I dead or alive? Where is Aaron?
Oh God—Aaron jumped.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m trying to scream—I promise I am, but no one can hear me. My mouth won’t open. I can no longer hear the beeping over the sound of the screams filling my head.
Aaron, please. Please be alive. Don’t leave me.
If he’s gone—if he’sdead and I am alive I will hang myself—I will slit my wrists, I will jump from a skyscraper—I don’t care. I can’t. I won’t. Not without him. I can barely even do it when he’s here.
I have to know—I have to see—I have to find him.
Aaron—Aaron—Aaron—
“Aaron!” Finally—my voice bursts through that film that rests between conscious and not. I sound terrified, I sound broken. I was right in my head—this is a hospital—I’m alive. I sit up, looking around.
