I fall to my knees—the note crumpled in my hand, the button in the other. There’s a terribly loud noise throughout the house and it takes me a moment to realize it’s me. I’m screaming—then I’m sobbing and I can’t move. I cry until I throw up. Then reality sets in and I panic.
“No, no, no. Please, fuck—please.” I pull my phone out, dialing Felix.
“Hey, Bub.”
“Felix.”
“Aaron?! What’s going on?” I’m sobbing into the phone—hoping he understands me.
“He’s gone! He left a note. Fuck! He left a goodbye note!Aw, fuck!” I tuck my head between my knees, sobbing.
“Fuck—okay. Breathe, Aaron. Let’s go look for him, we’ll find him. We will—I promise.” It’s an empty promise and we both know it, but it gets me off the floor.
I go to the police station first.
The deputy at the front desk looks up at me when I run in—his eyes widening.
“Sir—are you okay?” I shake my head, slamming a hand on the counter.
“My boyfriend issuicidal and missing. Please, you have to find him. He left a note—he’s going to kill himself.” The deputy jumps out of his seat, grabbing a document and stumbling over his words.
“Right—okay. W-what’s his name?”
“Benjamin Dickinson. 5’11—blonde, brown eyes—relatively skinny—nose piercing—21 years old.” I don’t have time for all of these questions. The deputy is writing it all down quickly.
“When did you see him last?”
“He was at our apartment by UA around noon the last time I saw him.”
“Your name?”
“Aaron Archer.” I can’t believe I’m here again. I can’t believe he’s slipping through my fingersagain. The deputy speaks into the walkie-talkie on his shirt.
“All units—any patrol cars near or around the apartments surrounding UA search for a 21-year-old male—blonde—5’11—brown eyes. Name: Benjamin Dickinson. Missing person—believed to be suicidal.” He turns back to me, eyes determined and sympathetic. “I’m going to call the local news station—see if they can’t put something up. Please leave your number so we can contact you when he’s found.”
When he’s found.I sigh—just a bit of my panic lifting as the police are actually useful this go-around.
“Here—and thank you. Please let me know.” I run from the building, jumping back into my truck.
I can’t go on without him. He doesn’t deserve this—all of this pain—this torture. I wanted to protect him, to keep him safe and loved all wrapped up in my arms. And now I don’t even know if he’s alive. I can feel the weight of the button and the note in my pocket. The weight of this fucking life he lives on my chest. He wanted to live for me so badly. He wanted to have a life together and build a family. Now—he sees no path forward. Now—he’s searching for us in a new lifetime. I feel fucking sick.
Then what? He leaves me for the other Aaron and I’m here? Without him? How is that fair? I’m meant to give him up and suffer alone. No—I won’t.
I will find him and I’ll drag his ass right back to our home where I’ll tie him to our bed until I can get him help. Then we’ll grow old together. Fuck other lifetimes—fuck other Aarons.
My phone rings—a call from my mom.
“Hello?”
“Aaron—he wasn’t at the house. It was empty. I don’t think he’s in Lancaster.” She’s crying and I can hear Dad in the background trying to console her.
“Okay. I’ll find him.” I hang up and just like Felix—I make my empty promise.
Felix calls as well. At some point the next morning—after searching all night—he’s crying to me on the phone. “Bub—I can’t… I can’t find him. What do we do? God—what do I do?”
“Felix, baby—take a breath.” I hear Kayla in the background talking gently to my brother.
“I don’t know. But if he dies—I… Felix, I have to find him. Let me know if you think of anything.” I end the call. I can’t hear his cries. I can’t hear the misery of losing your best friend of 14 years. I can’t add his pain to mine. I will collapse—and right now I have to find Benjamin. I have no purpose if he’s not here. I can’t lose him—not after everything we’ve been through to get to each other.
