“He’s gone. He’s hurt really bad—I don’t know how and I don’t know where he went. Start looking, okay? I will too.” I hang up the phone, redirecting my panicked eyes to Jeremiah.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know—”
“No, it’s fine, but please close the door when you leave.” I grab my wallet and keys and run out of my apartment.
I go to the grocery store first and he definitely clocked out at 2 P.M. and left for the day. I drive his normal route home at least twice—checking anywhere and everywhere he could be hiding—laying onthe ground hurt…
He’s not at Brews and he’s not at any of our friends’ houses. For a moment I consider Drew’s apartment—but it’d be a waste of my time. I meet Felix at a gas station in the middle of town.
“I checked the parks, swim centers, and bus stations. Everywhere. I even looked at the cemetery.” Felix has been crying. Kayla is behind the wheel—leaning out of the window with wide, scared eyes.
“I don’t—I don’t know where he is. He came over early; I was supposed to go get him. I guess he saw… aw—Felix—” My eyes are watering as I stare down at him, hands gripping at the roots of my hair for any sense of grounding. “He saw Jeremiah there. We have a project for Comms. I was showering from the gym, and he came over all bloody and then ran. I think he thinks I… I’m seeing someone else.”
“Ah, fuck.” Felix says. “That’s bad. Fuck. It’s okay, Aaron.” He rubs my side, looking around the parking lot. “We just have to keep looking for him.”
That’s when a sick, terrifying thought curls around my brain—my heart, my body. I hear Felix screaming in my ear, I see Benjamin in that hospital bed.
“Fe, you don’t think he’d… that he’d…” I can’t say it aloud—but Felix reads me the way brothers do, and his eyes fill with awareness—with tears to mirror my own.
“Oh my God.” He whispers, clasping a hand over his mouth.
I’m running to my truck. I’m driving so fucking fast—so far over the legal limit. I park outside and bang on the door until it opens.
“What the—” I snatch Mad Dog up by his shirt and step into his apartment. He’s alone. “Yo! Yo! Dude, what the fuck! Who are you?”
“Has Benjamin been here?” His face twists into confusion.
“Who the fuck is Benjamin?” I shove his dumb ass against a wall. I’ve always been sensitive—a crier, a momma’s boy. But these days I just can’tstop myself.
“Really? The guy you sold Oxy to? That you sold some fucking red pill to and he overdosed? Hm?” It doesn’t seem to be registering for Mad Dog—but I guess that’s the way it is for dealers when they have a large clientele they don’t care about.
“Very handsome—blonde, brown eyes. He’s the singer that’s pretty popular on campus at UA.” Felix offers, coming up behind me.
“Oh! Benny. Yeah—he’s pretty popular these days.” I drop the fucker onto the floor, watching as he glares up at me, rubbing at his neck. “No, psycho. I haven’t dealt to him since last year.”
I don’t say another word. I turn on my heel and leave. Felix thanks the guy and follows me.
“I have hope that this means he didn’t do anything…like that.” Felix says, grabbing my hand as we head back to our vehicles.
“You want to know what he told me, Fe? He told me that he hates being alive—but loving me makes living worth it.” I stop in place, turn my head and look into Felix’s big, sad eyes. “I’m terrified that because of what he saw he’ll think I don’t love him. He won’t see a point.”
“No.” Felix says firmly. “Bear would not put that on you. Even if he wanted to do it—he knows that that guilt would kill you. He’s too good of a guy.” I hope he’s fucking right. I really, really hope he’s fucking right.
Think of me, baby. Think of how much I’d die without you and how much you hate me. Hate me so much but do it alive.
We start our drive again—searching around us, going into stores and restaurants as last resorts. It had to have been Ronnie. Ronnie had to have found him. My poor Button—God he must be so alone—so angry. I have to fix it, I need him. Even if he’s punching and cursing me. Even if he’s telling me he never wants to see me again—that I deserve to die—I need him.
There is only so much a soul can take before it gives. And Benjamin’s soul was already broken when he was admitted. They patched him up a bit, but he wasn’t healed, wasn’t cured of anything. Our life together—that is what was healing him. I saw itevery day. I felt it every time I sank into him—heard it every time he told me he loved me.
It’s like someone ripped the band-aid off of a fresh wound and clawed at him. A reminder that life can be awful and for some reason it’s always him who has to experience that. Learn that lesson. That soul of his… so intertwined with mine—I can feel it disappear—shatter, wither away. At this rate there will be nothing left of him.
Nothing for me to gather in my arms and drag home. To lay on my bed and slowly stitch back together until he’s one again—until he can breathe, until he can smile. One soul simply cannot survive without the other. If Benjamin dies—my body will simply follow him.
My heart, my soul. They will follow in pursuit of their home—their missing elements. I’ve sunk my teeth so far into him I’ll never be able to release him.
If he goes—what would I do then? Live in that pain? Live in the pain of having my teeth pulled out one by one—watching day by day a world without him in it?
When I’m holding him—when he’s with me—this indescribable love is so hot, so all-encompassing of my skin—my mind, my soul—that it’s all I can feel. It’s so strong, so intense that I could just die from it. I hold him and as my hands run up his back and I feel his breath on my neck I drift away under the weight of the soul-crushingloveI have for him.
