“I… I didn’t mean to push you. I was so sure you loved me back and I wanted to tell you so badly for so long. But I pushed you and forced you and you ran from me—you’re one safe person. Then you almost fuckingdied. And I still hear him in my ear every time I try to sleep—telling me you’re dying.”
Benjamin has tears running down his face as he stares at me—watches me panic, watches a god confess—all the while he cannot be redeemed.
“I just wanted to be yours, and I fucked everything up. I’d never ask for you to forgive me Benjamin—because I know it’s an impossible ask. But Iknowwhat I’ve done. I know what I’ve done to you every day since I saw you laid out on that grass in 2017. I promise you don’t need to come here and remind me. I will never forget. I will always suffer under the weight of the consequences.”
I turn away from him, walking away. He can let himself out. He got what he came for. At least I got to tell him. At least it’s certain that he knows that I’m aware of my transgressions. The pain I’ve caused him. Sitting on my bed I drop my head into my hands. Maybe this bit of honesty will give me a chance to sleep.
“That’s why you haven’t called?” I startle—looking up to the doorway of my room where Benjamin stands—still crying, watching me.
“What? Button—please. You’re killing me.” Hot tears fill my eyes, so I drop my head back into my hands. “No—I didn’t see you—I didn’t call. I didn’t have the right. I won’t be the reason you end up in there again. The reason you die. I’d rather be miserable than you be dead.”
“You’re such a fucking idiot, Aaron.” My head snaps back up, eyes meeting his. He’s only a few feet away now. “What did you tell me? You asked me if there was really no way I didn’t see your love for me in every touch—every action, every little thing about you. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, but that’s—”
“So, you didn’t then? You never saw it in my eyes? You didn’t see it when I was devastated I gave my virginity to someone else—or when I neededyouand no one else every single time I was scared? No? Okay—how about when I was on my knees and I devoted my life to you?”
I don’t know what I’m supposed to say now. Then why? I don’t understand. Does he love me? Is he saying he used to? I stare down at my palms—watching the tears fall onto them.
“Aaron—” Benjamin gets on his knees in front of me, grabbing my face. I physically recoil, but he pulls me back to him. “I’m willing to do this dance with you again if you’d like. I can walk away from here and in a year, we’ll see each other again and start all over. I’ll do that for the rest of my life if that’s the only way I get to keep you.”
I’m staring at him. He’s so close to me—I can smell the citrus. I can see the glint of his nose ring and the occasional appearance of the ball on his tongue when he speaks. The green flecks in his eyes are so bright tonight.
“No one else will ever touch me again.”Fuck. “I was ready to die with your hands being the last to hold me.” I snatch him off the floor and bring him onto my lap—breathing him in, shoving my face into his neck.
“Button—I don’t really understand.” He runs his hands up my back, into my hair and I’m shivering.
“I’ll explain it all to you, I promise. But for now… Aaron—” He pulls back to look me in the eyes. “I really want you to touch me.”
I have him under me a moment later. My bed creaks at the sudden movement and Benjamin yelps. Ignoring my briefly blurry vision, I pull his long sleeve off and throw it on the floor. He looks just as delicious as I remember. My mouth is all over him—biting on the bars in his nipples, sucking his skin onto my tongue—licking as much of him as I can.
He’s groaning beneath me—hands in my hair, and he soundsso good.
“This isn’t a dream?” Benjamin laughs. “If I wake up from this, I’ll be admitted next.”
He grabs my face and brings my mouth to his. His tongue on mine, his piercing dancing along with it. His voice going down my throat—it all feels like home. I’m ripping the rest of his clothes off as he’s getting me out of my shirt. I reach for him again, but he stops me.
“What the fuck?” Looking behind me—I see nothing.
“What? What’s wrong—are you okay?” His eyes are so wide, filling with tears.
“I…. blue bird.” His fingers touch my side andshit. I never thought I’d see him again—never thought I’d have to explain. “Why?” I feel more vulnerable now than when I’m buried inside of him.
“Well—” I swallow harshly, avoiding his gaze as I sit back on my heels. “I wanted a piece of you. Of us. I thought I’d never see you again and I… I needed to do something.”
Benjamin sits up and I wonder if he thinks it’s weird—taking the name he gave me and engraving it into my skin.
“I love you.” Is what he says—and before I can respond—or cry, or come—he pushes me over. I fall onto my back, watching as he crawls over me to stare down at my tattoo.
He traces his fingertips over it—the blue wings flared out to fly, the white belly, the expanse in which it covers—the scars he bit into my flesh.
His eyes are wide with awe and from where he’s sitting on my thigh, I can feel him getting harder and harder the longer he stares.
“My little blue bird.” Leaning down, he traces his tongue over the entire tattoo. Slowly—like he intends on torturing me. “I love you so much I could die. So much that now I want to live.” He says against my skin—against the bird where he flies.
“I love you so much I could die. So much that now I want to live.”
I can feel myself crying—the tears falling, but I’m grinning up at the ceiling. The feeling of his tongue, the metal ball, the sound of his confession in my ears. When I look down at him worshipping that tattoo like it saved him—revived him—I am undone. All of me is given to him. I will never be my own person again—I will never be anyone else’s.
