Drunk, wishful thinking.
I stare at my erection; my abs wet from where it’s pressed against my stomach. Just once is fine, right?
A few minutes later, I’m fucking into my fist, thinking about Benjamin’s smooth hips and perky nipples, the dimples on his back. When I shove my face into my pillow, his name is on my lips. I am the worst.
Chapter Three
August 2017
Aaron
Present Day
As we pull up to our hidden little corner of the river the boys jump out and start unpacking the truck. Before I can leave the cabin, Amber rests a hand on my forearm.
“Hey. Bear—is he okay? Was that not weird?” I turn from her and stare out the window at Benjamin where he’s helping Felix lay out towels—held down by the ice chest and miscellaneous shoes. I shrug. “I just… I feel like he’s not in a great environment. He looked—like—really scared back there.”
Amber isn’t wrong. The pure panic I saw on his face; the way he paled. I’m not sure what’s going on at home for Benjamin, but I don’t think it’s pleasant. He never has any marks or anything concerning, but he spends ninety-nine percent of his time at our house, and anytime he’s asked something personal he begins to twitch—itching at his arms like he’s covered in mosquito bites. I don’t want to ask and upset him. After all this time—if he wanted to tell us—he would have, right? If it was bad?
“Yeah—something’s happening. But he doesn’t want to talk about it. And he’s with us mostly anyway. All we can do is be here with him.” Amber nods solemnly—no other choice but to drop it—and we leave the truck to join the two of them.
After last night—when I perved on him in the shower like a fucking weirdo—I thought for sure I’d have a mountain of questions to answer this morning. But it was quiet, and whenBenjamin finally came downstairs he was calm and unbothered.
Giving me a comforting smile, as if to tell me it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I was very relieved at the time—yet the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. Not a big deal, huh? Well, I can’t stop thinking about it. It was a big fucking deal to me. But whatever. I guess I should be grateful that he didn’t freak out—allthings considered. He was probably uncomfortable as hell and just wants to forget about it. I can give him that at least.
Except—as he strips off his shirt—standing in just his tiny swim shorts as he messes around with Felix, shoving and grabbing at each other, I can’t just forget about it. How he looked—how I still want to know how he would have felt if I had just reached out and touched.
“Ready?” Amber asks, smiling brightly, stripped down to her bikini. It’s red and barely big enough to cover where it needs to. Normally I would be all over this. And although I can admire it as I look, my mind still wanders back to last night.
“Okay, here’s the challenge.” Felix says, turning to look at all of us. “Whoever gets the most air gets to pick the movie we watch tonight.” He nods toward the rope swing that hangs over the cliff to our left. It’s over the deep side of the river and is only about twenty feet up.
“You’re on, Fefe.” Amber says, climbing the path to the rope—Felix right behind her. Benjamin laughs, following as well, looking over his shoulder at me with a smile that saysthis is silly. right?
I smile back and begin to relax. Yeah, this is fine.
Amber gets the most air and Felix throws a fit—saying that because she’s a woman she’s more aerodynamic. We can’t stop laughing as he splashes around and Benjamin jumps on his head, pushing him under.
“This silence is great—isn’t it?” He asks, holding Felix under. Amber laughs and they smile at each other. My chest gets a bit tight.
I’ve never been a jealous person. Not really. Even with Amber—I have no reason to doubt our friendship or our feelings—so why should I care how other people drool over her? News flash—I shouldn’t. So I don’t. But as they smile together, as if they share some private joke, Amber’s words ring in my ears.You could make just about anyone risk a case.My stomach churns. Only, I don’t feel jealous over Amber—but moreofher. Which is pathetic.
Felix pops back up, gasping for breath and glaring at Benjamin who laughs some more, his hair stuck to his forehead.
As the tightness in my chest evaporates, everything in this moment feels so natural, so put in place. Felix and Benjamin laughing together—Amber by my side as we watch them. The day my mom gave Benjamin his nickname—Bear—I think we all knew he wasn’t going anywhere.
“Aw, little Benny Bear! You look so cute in your Christmas jammies!” Benjamin was twelve and spending his first Christmas with us. He has since evolved into being just “Bear.” I can’t remember the last time anyone in my family—outside of me and occasionally Amber—called him Benjamin. And Amber—she started hanging around when we were freshmen in high school, and although she still refers to my parents formally, she’s woven her way into the family as well. Now—they just belong.
An hour or two later I get out of the water, seeing Benjamin laying on one of the towels and once again soaking in the sun like a starving flower. Amber and Felix splash each other from where they are still swimming behind me. Taking a deep breath, I grab a water bottle and lay next to Benjamin.
“Button.” I intend to sound casual—like I’m just here to rest for a second and he happened to be here already. Which truly is what happened. But in the ultimate act of betrayal, my voice comes out in a soft whisper, as if I’m trying to keep this greeting between the two of us. Benjamin turns his head from where it was tilted toward the sky—his face inches from mine where I’m already turned toward him. Hazel eyes meet mine.
“Aaron.” He says in return, his voice full of humor, but just as soft. As if this is so amusing to him—as if he enjoys it—this little awkward moment we have. His eyes are half-open, a lazy smile on his lips, and I can see a dusting of freckles starting to appear on the bridge of his nose due to the summer sun. His skin is radiating heat—I can feel him from where I lay—untouching. Goosebumps appear all over my body as I watch a strand of hair fall across his forehead.
“Enjoying the sun?” I ask as the world’s lamest conversationalist ever. I don’t understand how I spent years of my life with this kid—only to be so awkward and tripped up out of nowhere. As if we’ve just met. As if we’re just now seeing each other for what we’re worth.
“Oh yes.” He says with a laugh, his breath hitting my face. He smells of citrus and river water. “I enjoy baking like a red velvet cake.”
“Why red velvet?”
