He seemed surprised by my straightforward question. Almost as surprised as I was by asking it.
‘Yes, I love her,’ he replied. ‘She was my best friend in the whole world for twenty-five years and now she won’t even talk to me. I miss her every day.’
Even when you prepare yourself for the worst, hearing the confirmation still hurts. I wrapped my arms closer around my shins and hugged myself tightly.
‘Then why aren’t you with her?’
His head rolled backwards to expose his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he worked on his response.
‘I’ve never been good at saying what I mean,’ he muttered, a few, long, lonely seconds later. ‘I love Shiv, but I’m not inlove with Shiv. After we broke up, I realised I hadn’t been for a long time. She deserves better than what I was offering.’
‘Then why do you have her photo in your wallet?’
‘How do you know I have her photo in my wallet?’
‘Because I saw it when I found your wallet.’
‘It’s just a photo,’ he said. ‘I never thought to take it out, I hardly ever open my wallet these days, I pay for everything with my phone. It’s been there a long time, that’s all, doesn’t mean anything.’
‘Everyone says you’re still in love with her,’ I said, feeling suddenly small and timid. ‘Elsie and Graham and your dad.’
‘Three people renowned for their keen insight into the inner workings of my mind?’ Callum leaned against the bedframe and curled his arms behind him, wrappingthem around the wooden post. ‘Shiv is the same as everyone else up here, she sees the version of me that she wants to see. Nothing but a selfish man who let down his family and doesn’t even have a good reason for it, same as the rest of them.’
‘Not wanting to stay is reason enough.’
‘That depends on who you ask.’
Breaking away from the bed, he strode over to the fireplace and went down on one knee, stacking logs, adding kindling. Sparking a match, he lit a piece of newspaper tucked in between the logs, then blew it out. The tiny flame danced across the page, burning away the newsprint, flickering up and out and on. He didn’t move until the flames licked at the first log and the wood began to crackle.
‘They’re right,’ he said, still staring into the fire. ‘I am selfish. I couldn’t deal with the responsibility expected of me so I let her take it on instead. I don’t want Dad to have to sell the farm, I don’t want strangers living in my house, but I couldn’t stand the pressure of having my whole life planned out for me. Where to live, what to do, who to marry. It was too much.’`
‘Did you tell them that?’
‘There’s a possibility those weren’t my exact words.’ He rubbed at his chin, as the flames bloomed. ‘Ever since we got back, I’ve found myself wondering if I was wrong. What if I’d stayed? What if I’d tried? Maybe I’d be happier than I am now.
‘But if I hadn’t left home, hadn’t taken up cooking, never got into school in Paris, I wouldn’t have met you.’
My breath caught in my chest and Callum turned to face me, rising to his feet.
‘You wouldn’t have needed to meet me,’ I returned,my fingers winding around each other. ‘No break-up, no move to London, no need for a Caroline stand-in.’
‘I’m not talking about Caroline,’ Callum said. ‘I’m talking about you.’
The weight of his gaze was crushing, pinning me to the chair and forcing to listen to him, my arguments and witty rebuttals all choked up in my throat. With dark eyes trained on mine, he unfastened one cuff of his shirt, folding it back on itself.
‘Laura Pearce, neurosurgeon, lover of Loch Ness and rare steaks and Christmas ornaments, who can’t hold her whisky and has feet like blocks of ice.’
‘Trainee neurosurgeon,’ I corrected quietly, my legs unfurling from the chair like they were moving of their own accord. Not physically possible, I knew that, but the voice in my head was suddenly at odds with the voice in my heart and my body didn’t know who to listen to. Instead it staged a coup against the both of them, ordering me to my feet, but I resisted, staying right where I was, in my chair, my safe harbour.
‘Trainee neurosurgeon,’ he assented and his throaty voice was rich and dark. ‘Kind, generous, selfless. Too selfless to be honest. Funny. Probably the cleverest person I’ve ever met in my entire life. And beyond fucking beautiful.’
I lifted my chin to meet his gaze and a bolt of anticipation shot through me, lightning fast and electric.
‘There’s something else I should apologize for,’ he said.
‘There is?’
He nodded. ‘That kiss.’
