‘Self-published?’ I asked, trying not to smile at his pain.
‘Self-written,’ he replied, eyes bugging out of his head. ‘She’s the monster and you created it. I’ve never seenso many uses of the word “undulating” in one Word document.’
‘There it is!’ my best friend screeched again. ‘Oh, no, log. Never mind, as you were.’
‘Were you never tempted to make a Loch Ness monster suit and have a nice swim?’ Joel asked Callum as we passed another group of women staring out at the water, half of them through binoculars, the others zooming in with their phones. ‘If it weren’t so cold my balls have gone back up inside me, I’d be tempted to do it now.’
‘You wouldn’t be the first,’ Callum replied, the broadest version of his smile lighting up his face. ‘I avoid this place like the plague. Too many tourists year round.’
‘But it’s gorgeous,’ I protested. ‘How could you not want to be here all the time?’
He rubbed his chin and considered the almost absurd natural beauty around us, the endless mountains, a forever sky and the still water reflecting it all back like a mirror.
‘It is, but I prefer Loch Shin myself.’
‘That’s the loch behind Balmaclay?’
He nodded.
‘There’s something special about it. I don’t know a more beautiful spot on earth.’
I couldn’t help but hear the wistful note in his voice and, as we crossed off the path and onto a pebbly beach, everyone’s warnings came flooding back to me. Balmaclay was more than a house to Callum, Scotland was in his soul. Whatever he said now, his ties to this place ran deep.
‘Not that this isn’t nice,’ he added. ‘All the better for the company, of course.’
‘Desi aside,’ Joel replied, patting him on the back when she shrieked again. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll get used to her.’
Dores Beach, Callum’s chosen visiting spot, sat almost at the most northerly tip of Loch Ness according to the map up at the little pub we’d passed on the way. From here, you could see for miles, an unbroken view of the narrow stretch of water, hills rising on either side and closing in on the loch until it disappeared in a point in the far distance. If I were a prehistoric monster who didn’t mind the cold, I could imagine being quite happy there myself.
‘Braw weather today,’ Callum said, eyes closed, face turned towards the sun. ‘Last time I was here it was pure dreich.’
‘Is it me or has his accent got stronger since we left this morning?’ Joel asked, not bothering to lower his voice. ‘I can barely understand the bugger.’
‘You’re the one in my country,’ Callum pointed out. ‘Do you need a translator?’
‘Yes,’ Joel replied. ‘That would be wonderful, thank you.’
‘Callum, can I ask you something?’
Without warning, Desi came crashing through the three of us, sliding her arm through Callum’s and drawing him a little way ahead of us.
‘As long as it’s not about the monster,’ he confirmed. ‘Ask away.’
‘How come you’re single?’
‘Des!’ I yelped. ‘No!’
‘Bad dog,’ Joel shook his head slowly. ‘Very bad dog.’
‘I’m just curious,’ she said, and I saw her tighten her grip around Callum’s elbow. There would be no shaking her off. ‘He cooks, he’s fit, his family owns a castle—’
‘It’s not a castle.’
‘How are you not fighting off the ladies?’ she pressed. ‘Or the gents, or both, or neither. Allies only around these parts.’
‘Feel free to ignore her,’ I said when words appeared to fail him. ‘Or you can pretend she doesn’t exist at all. That’s what I do.’
Callum pulled his shoulders up to his ears as we all came to a slow standstill. ‘She’s going to be disappointed with my answer, that’s all. I work long hours, I’m not on the apps, I don’t like one-night stands.’
