‘It’s just as I said to Jeffy B at Davos last year,’ Joel replied, wafting his glass of wine around in the air. ‘You’ve got to keep moving forward. Stagnation is death.’
No one said anything. In fact, no one had said anything since Derek made the mistake of asking Desi if she’d like some salt about forty minutes earlier. In that time, she and my ‘brother-in-law’ had shared their entire life stories, from Joel’s time at Swiss boarding school to Svetlana’s years spent in South America, freeing elephants from cartel kingpins’ private zoos.
‘So then, Svetty,’ Rory said, wiping his mouth with his napkin when he finished his second helping ofstew. I glanced over at Callum’s plate to see he had barely touched his first. ‘You and Caroline don’t look very alike for sisters, I can’t see any resemblance at all.’
‘Rubbish, we’ve got exactly the same breasts,’ she replied and poor Derek snorted a mouthful of wine out through his nose. ‘Other than that, no, we don’t look that alike. Mum’s weak genes, I suppose. We both look like our dads.’
‘Different fathers?’ Lizzie said as her husband dabbed at himself, eyes streaming. ‘Your parents are divorced, Caroline?’
‘They’re in a polyamorous triad,’ Desi said before I could confirm or deny. ‘Buying sheets for the custom-made bed makes things a bit complicated but you’d be surprised how well they all get on. It’s nice, really, our dads always have someone to play golf with.’
‘And with two men in the house, their mum has a slightly better chance of someone taking the rubbish out without asking,’ Joel added.
‘They’re joking,’ I said loudly. ‘Of course they’re joking. Svetlana was adopted.’
‘But I’m sensitive about it.’ She waved her fork around in the air and a carrot flew off, landing right in Lizzie’s lap. ‘My real parents were famous actors who had an affair on set and couldn’t keep me because of the scandal.’
‘Who?’ Rory asked as his mother placed the carrot beside her own untouched meal.
‘Couldn’t possibly say,’ she sniffed, ‘but I’ve never been able to watchTitanicall the way through if you catch my drift.’
‘Always making jokes, this one,’ I laughed maniacally,having heard just about enough. ‘Svetty, you must be knackered. If you’re done with dinner, why don’t we get you up to bed?’
‘We’re not going to get a tour?’ she asked, awash with disappointment. ‘I wanted to see the loch.’
‘Tomorrow,’ Callum replied. ‘You can’t see it in the dark.’
‘I think I’m ready to turn in myself,’ Lizzie said when Desi and Joel protested. ‘An early night won’t hurt. Lots to do tomorrow, especially now we have extra guests. Derek?’
The McClay patriarch stood to follow his wife away from the table, the red wine stain on his shirt still spreading.
‘Aye, goodnight. We’ll see you in the morning.’ He stared at Desi with a look of restrained horror. ‘All of you.’
‘Who fancies a nightcap?’ Rory said, clapping his hands together. ‘I know where Dad hides the good stuff.’
Joel lit up. ‘Count me in, I’d give my left ball for a proper drink.’
‘Count him out,’ I said. ‘You and both of your balls are going up to bed.’
‘Shame,’ Rory said with a drawl before excusing himself from the table. ‘I have a lot of follow-up questions about boarding school. I’ll be in the living room if you change your mind.’
‘Which you will not,’ I said the moment he was out the door.
‘Some husband you’re turning out to be,’ Desi added. ‘Can you put your tongue back in please?’
‘He was the one making eyes at me all through dinner!’ Joel said defensively, pointing after the youngestMcClay. ‘And I’m pretty sure he was trying to play footsie with me as well.’
‘That was me,’ I said, head in my hands. ‘I was trying to kick her in the shins and missed.’
‘Can one of you, any of you, please tell me what’s going on?’ Callum asked. He had the look of someone who had spent the last hour trying to walk a tightrope over the Grand Canyon and was about ready to launch himself in. ‘With the two of you, I mean, not whether or not you were flirting with my little brother because you definitely were, pal.’
‘We’re here to check on her and help you achieve your goals,’ Desi announced, keeping one eye on the door and her statements vague. ‘You’re welcome.’
‘Also the boiler broke and the landlord couldn’t get anyone to look at it until Saturday,’ Joel added. ‘But mostly we’re here for Laura.’
‘OK, get back in the car right now,’ I ordered, pointing at the door. ‘Don’t even go back upstairs for your bags. I will bring them home, you need to leave, immediately.’
‘But we’re both over the limit,’ Desi protested. ‘We had wine with dinner.’
