I can.’
He looked at me as though he wasn’t sure whether or not I was joking. ‘I was looking for a broader picture. What’s the plan for the rest of your life?’
‘Callum, it’s four o’clock on Christmas Eve Eve,’ I said. ‘I’ve already been trapped up a tower, broken my phone, fought with your sister and given your dad a very, very questionable massage, and now you want to hear my five-year plan?’
‘If you don’t mind,’ he replied. ‘While we’re still young.’
When he tapped his watch to signal he was waiting, I sighed and looked to the ceiling as if the answer might be hiding along the crown moulding.
‘Well, I’ve still got years of training to do before I qualify,’ I started. ‘Several big exams coming up. I’d like to pay off my student debts before I’m drawing my pension. And if we’re really talking about dream timelines, I suppose I’d like to buy a house one day. Maybe travel a bit?’
‘That’s it?’ Callum asked, the surprise in his voice clear as a bell. ‘That’s the extent of your wildest dreams?’
‘I did also say I was planning to have a bath and read my book,’ I sniffed. ‘And I believe you have mentioned a sticky toffee pudding twice now so …’
‘If my sticky toffee pudding is the highlight of your future hopes and dreams, I’m worried about you.’
‘Then you’ve talked it up too much, haven’t you?’ I picked up a crystal-studded haggis just to have something to do with my hands. ‘I don’t know, I don’t really think about it. My dream was to be a doctor. The only way to make that dream come true is to work hard, stay focused, no distractions. I’ve found the more you manage your expectations, the less likely you are to be disappointed in life.’
‘What about getting married, finding a partner?’ he pressed. ‘You don’t see yourself having kids?’
The sun had slipped away behind the hills while we’d been decorating the tree, leaving me with nothing but the cosy glow of the fire and sparkle of the fairy lights. The flames danced around, shooting up then retreating back, making it difficult for me to read Callum’s expression but, if I had to describe it, I’d say it almost looked like he was disappointed. Disappointed in me? It wasn’t fair. He didn’t know me, didn’t have any right to question the way I lived my life.
‘I see myself being a doctor and that means I don’t have time for relationships,’ I said, flushing again but this time with frustration.
If he’d been through what I’d been through, seen the things I’d seen, maybe he’d understand. If you didn’t have anyone, you couldn’t lose anyone. It was that simple.
‘And being a doctor means you have to live like a nun?’
‘Nuns have a very nice life. Hanging out with their friends, going on trips, and they can drink, you know, I looked it up once. Besides, no one said I live like a nun, I said I don’t have time for relationships. I date, I have fun.’
Or at least I could, if I wanted to. I had theoretical fun.
‘What about you?’ I asked, volleying his own question back. ‘What grand plans does Callum McClay have for the future?’
I was ready for him to snap and call me out for my snide tone but instead he shrugged, the corners of his mouth tugging downwards.
‘No idea. No fucking clue.’
‘But Paris,’ I said, confused by his despondence. ‘Pastry cheffing?’
‘I love working in a kitchen, I’m excited about Paris, but I don’t know with absolute certainty this is what I want to do forever. It isn’t a vocation for me the way medicine is for you.’
‘Then what is?’
‘I don’t know.’
Callum pushed his hair back from his face as he seemed to search for a better answer to my question. ‘Right up until the day I walked out the door, I thought I would be forced to spend the rest of my life running the farm and Balmaclay so I didn’t waste my time considering other options. When life is mapped out for you from birth, you don’t bother dreaming about all the things you can’t have.’
I tried to imagine how that would feel, someone pressuring me into a life I didn’t want, forcing me to be someone I wasn’t. Perhaps my dad’s aggressively ambivalent approach to childrearing was better than Derek’s hands on approach.
‘But you did leave,’ I pointed out. ‘You found the strength to walk away.’
‘Best and worst day of my life,’ he replied. ‘And theystill don’t believe I’m really gone. Maybe part of me thinks they’re right. If all roads lead back here, why bother investing time and effort in anything else?’
It hurt to see him look so dejected. Balmaclay might be magical to me but I saw it through his eyes for the first time. A fairytale noose around his neck pulling tighter and tighter every time he came home.
‘You could be anything, you know,’ I told him tenderly. ‘No one says you have to have it all worked out before you’re thirty.’
