‘If he’s still in love with her and she’s still in love with him, why aren’t they together?’ Joel asked.
‘Because she wants to live up here and he wants to learn how to make croissants in Paris.’
‘If you’re going to learn to make them anywhere,’ he reasoned.
‘Sounds like he’s stitched you up.’ Desi sounded annoyed, or rather, slightly more annoyed than usual. ‘Assuming he knew about all these complications and didn’t bother to mention any of it when he proposed this ridiculous plan in the first place.’
‘WhenIproposed this ridiculous plan,’ I corrected. ‘He didn’t beg me to do this, Des, I offered.’
‘Too nice,’ she admonished. ‘This is where being too nice gets you.’
‘Doesn’t matter anyway, I’m here now.’ I stamped my feet on the wooden floor as a chill started to creep into my bones. ‘And I’m supposed to be making them hate me. Any suggestions on how to be a wildly dislikable human being without committing actual hate crimes?’
‘Have you tried starting every sentence with “Well, actually”?’ Joel offered.
‘I’ve got a good one,’ Desi said. ‘How would they take a passionate speech about how much you love Meghan Markle?’
Joel sucked the air in through his teeth. ‘Oh, that’s a good one. That would finish my dad off.’
‘Anything else?’ I asked, deliberating as I pulled the sleeve of my jumper down over my left hand.
‘You can always fall back on the classics,’ Desi said. ‘Backhanded compliments, thinly veiled insults abouttheir son, pointing out how you’ve had to fix his poor upbringing, that sort of thing.’
‘I always find a well-timed sigh can be pleasingly annoying,’ Joel added. ‘Then when they ask you what’s wrong, just say nothing. It really pisses parents off, I have no idea why.’
‘Triggering,’ Desi confirmed. ‘Very triggering.’
‘And how is he, the hot chef?’ Joel asked. ‘Are the two of you getting on?’
‘He’s fine, I think.’ I leaned back against the cold stone wall of the tower and blew out a heavy breath. ‘He’s funny, easy to talk to. Cooks an excellent breakfast. None of this is his fault, it’s a shit situation.’
‘Sounds rough,’ he replied with great sympathy. ‘Poor Callum.’
‘I know,’ I agreed even though I wasn’t quite sure whether or not he was being sarcastic. ‘You’d both really like him though. He’s funny.’
‘You’ve already said funny,’ Desi replied. ‘He can’t be funny twice.’
‘What are you two doing?’ I asked, diverting the subject. I knew that tone of voice, she was about to say something I didn’t want to hear.
Joel replied through a mouth full of something. ‘We’re watchingA Muppet Christmas Caroland eating.’
‘Eating what?’
‘Everything. My patience ran out, we opened the Christmas cupboard a day early.’
I sighed loudly. The Christmas cupboard. Cadbury’s Roses, Miniature Heroes, mint Matchmakers, After Eights and a never-ending supply of mini mince pies.
‘That’s it. Laura, I think you should come home,’ Desi declared. ‘This is not what you signed up for and yousound really stressed out. Call an Uber and get the next train back.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Yes, you can.’
‘No, I literally can’t,’ I told her, flipping through my apps. ‘There are no Ubers.’
‘Christ on a bike,’ Joel gasped. ‘Where the fuckareyou?’
‘It’s not as bad as I’m making out,’ I said again, more determined this time. ‘The house is gorgeous, and honestly, you should see the scenery. Besides, I can’t leave Callum in the lurch. He needs me.’
