‘Eventually.’
‘If only you had an incredibly demanding and difficult girlfriend who takes up all your time meaning you can never come home to visit.’
I looped my arms around my shins and rested my chin on my knees and his half-smile tugged higher.
‘Shiv seems nice,’ I added, mostly to be polite. Nice was a stretch. Shiv seemed fine, as long as you weren’t me.
His smile disappeared without a trace.
‘She is.’ Callum turned to face the window, gazing out into the endless black. ‘Shiv is about the nicest girl in the world.’
Before he’d come into the room, I’d sat in the darkness, allowing my eyes to adjust until all the shades of the night had revealed themselves, from deep blue to dove grey, the still water of the loch acting as a mirror to an icy white crescent moon. More stars than I’d ever seen in my life were scattered across the sky. In my day-to-day life, I was always too exhausted to look up at the end of a busy day and I wasn’t sure how long I’d spent gazing at them in wonder. But now the window revealed nothing but flat black, loosely sketched outlines of my room and rough reflections of us, staring blindly out into nothing.
‘Not to overstep the fake girlfriend line,’ I said, swallowing hard before I finished my sentence. ‘But do you think she might still have feelings for you?’
As if he’d read my mind, Callum reached over to thelamp and turned it off. The reflected room disappeared in instant and, one by one, all the stars in the night sky flickered back into existence. In the heavy silence, my pulse thudded loudly in my ears, my heart rate picking up, skipping faster and faster, and I did not care for it at all.
‘I don’t know,’ he replied honestly. ‘Either way, sometimes feelings aren’t enough. Doesn’t mean things will work out.’
He moved from the windowsill to the second armchair. It was positioned at an angle and his legs were so long that when he stretched them out in front of him, they crossed in front of my chair, brushing against the drape of my blanket. The fabric moved against my skin and I shivered.
‘Isn’t it a choice?’ I asked. ‘Nothing is easy, you always have to make an effort if you want something to work.’
‘Laura, why are you single?’
It was such an unexpected question, delivered so abruptly, I was lost for words. He didn’t turn to face me when he asked it and there was just enough moonlight to sketch out his profile but not show his expression. I had no idea what he was thinking.
‘I don’t have time for a relationship,’ I told him after a moment’s deliberation. ‘The career I’ve chosen, it’s a big commitment, more than a job. It’s a vocation. Doesn’t leave a lot of time for going on dates, getting to know someone.’
‘That’s the only reason?’
‘The main reason.’ I squeezed my hands together, trying to control the feelings that washed over me in waves, anxiety, anticipation, intrigue. ‘It’s a lot to ask someone to take on, a relationship with a surgeon.You’re not dependable, always on call, always missing important occasions. Most people don’t understand, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to.’
‘Isn’t it a choice?’ Callum replied. ‘Nothing is easy. You always have to make an effort if you want something to work.’
I held my breath as he leaned forward, elbows on knees, oxygen-depleted blood thundering around my body. I wasn’t used to someone else’s presence having this kind of effect on me. I wasn’t used to anyone else’s presence having any kind of effect on me.
‘Another person can’t complete you,’ I said, no weight to my words whatsoever. ‘Not everyone has to have someone.’
‘No,’ he agreed. ‘But everyone deserves someone. You deserve someone.’
We both turned, only by a fraction, but at the exact same time. Our eyes met for a moment then Callum looked away and I felt winded, like I’d fallen from a great height, and all the air had been knocked out my body.
‘How come you weren’t asleep?’ he asked, flexing his bare feet against the floor.
‘I was hungry.’
Not a lie but it wasn’t the whole truth either. I was always hungry. The thing that had me staring at the ceiling until I eventually climbed out of bed and started my midnight snack, was the thought of Callum and Shiv, childhood sweethearts, meant to be.
‘What about you?’
‘Same.’
In silence, he rose from his chair, and I felt a tug in my chest.
‘I’ll let you get back to …’
His gaze fell on the side table.
