You have never had sex with a woman and it shows, I tapped out, listening for movement beyond the bathroom door. Was that Callum climbing out of bed or just another creak of the train? My phone vibrated in my hand again, this time signalling a phone call.
‘Are you bouncing on it?’ Joel asked, unnecessarily perky for 6.45 in the morning. ‘Am I technically part of a threesome right now?’
‘Yes, with me and the toilet,’ I hissed. ‘I’m hiding in the bathroom.’
‘Sexy. Wait, no, opposite.’
‘What am I supposed to do?’ I asked in a panic. ‘He’s going to know, isn’t he?’
‘That he’s got a hard-on? Yes, I expect so.’
‘ThatIknow he’s got a hard-on!’ I exploded as quietly as I could. ‘He’ll be mortified. I’m mortified. We haven’t even got to Scotland yet and I’m already mortified. How am I going to get through the next five days?’
‘Are you OK?’ he asked. ‘Is this bad?’
I considered the question before I answered.
‘No, not bad,’ I confessed. ‘Just surprising.’
‘Then as much as I hate to damage your fragile ego, it’s not a big deal,’ Joel drawled. ‘He probably wakes up with a boner every day. The only difference between today and any other day is that you could’ve given him a hand with it and instead you’re hiding in the bog like a mutant.’
I sat up straight, banging my head on something sharp behind me. The taps for the shower. The shower that hung directly over the toilet. This really wasnotthe Orient Express.
‘What’s the problem? Why are you so bothered?’
I curled my toes around the toilet lid, phone hot against my ear.
‘Because …’ I began, struggling to finish the sentence, even though I didn’t know why. ‘Because I don’t usually wake up with a penis sticking in my lower back?’
‘Which is half your problem. You’re being so weird. You’ve seen him naked, he’s fit as fuck, and you’re all right—’
‘Oi.’
‘You’re supposed to be his girlfriend, aren’t you? You should have a quick go on it just in case anyone asks you about his attributes.’
‘We’re spending Christmas with his parents, not going through a green card interview,’ I reminded him. ‘I can’t imagine our sex life is going to come up that often. Can you at least try to be helpful?’
‘Straight people are so boring,’ Joel replied with a tut of disgust. ‘Fine, this is what you want to hear. He’s probably dying of shame right now and, odds are, he’s going to pretend nothing ever happened. Is that better?’
Leaning my head to one side to avoid the tap, I closed my eyes and nodded.
‘Much. Thank you.’
‘At least that’s what I’d do if I woke up in bed with a weirdo who went to hide in the toilets because I had a hard-on.’
‘Stop helping now.’
‘Your biggest problem is going to be explaining why you bolted into the lav and stayed locked in there so long. There’s really only one reason I can think of.’
‘Thanks, Joel, appreciate it, good chat.’
I ended the call with a particularly violent jab at the screen and all my embarrassment turned inwards. Joel had a point. Callum’s erection didn’t mean anything. The average healthy male could get a hard-on from walking into a doorknob at the right angle. I was a warm body in a soft bed and I’d completely overreacted. It was not like me at all.
Accepting the fact I couldn’t hide in the loo forever, I held the phone back up to my ear and opened the door to see a slightly sheepish Callum sitting on the edge of the bed.
‘OK, yeah, no, that’s OK, I was awake anyway,’ I said into my phone, rolling my eyes and pulling a face at my bunkmate. ‘It’s in the kitchen cupboard, top shelf. Call me back if you can’t find it.’
‘Anything wrong?’ Callum asked when I ended the non-existent phone call and blew out a loud, braying sigh.
