‘I’d laugh if you weren’t serious,’ she said with a sigh. ‘How many times do I have to tell you, if you become one of the undead, we can’t be friends any more. I like my beach holidays too much.’
‘Desi, let me move into my haunted vampire sanctuary in peace.’ I turned off the main road and on to a pleasant-
looking side street, all the noise of the high street fading away. ‘It’s not as though I’m renting from a complete stranger, he’s friends with Stella, and I don’t think your sister would set me up with a dangerous situation.’
It was quiet for Clapham. Rows of privet hedges, lots of neatly kept front yards, no overturned wheelie bins or rats the size of small dogs. A tiny thrill ran through me at the sight of number 42, the shiny red door, the triple-glazed windows with white trim. My new home. I pulled the keys out from my pocket, excited.
‘He’s not Stella’s friend,’ Desi said. ‘He’s Dave’s friend, and you know I’ve never liked Dave.’
‘Your own brother-in-law.’
‘Just because dickhead Dave says a man is all right does not mean you should be living in his flat without running any background checks,’ she replied hotly. ‘Why did you get the keys so early? Why is the rent so cheap? It’s very sketchy, Laura, it’s very, very sketchy. He could be a serial killer for all we know.’
‘A serial killer chef?’ I replied.
‘Perfect cover. Late nights, knife skills, weird stains on his clothes. He might bake his victims into pies. This entire set-up has been far too easy.’
My keys slid straight into the lock and the front door swung open on silent hinges.
‘I know you won’t believe this but sometimes easy is good,’ I said, marvelling at the white painted entrance hall, the little wooden shoe rack, the frosted overhead light. ‘Dave gave me the keys early because his friend has already moved out, the rent is cheap because he wanted someone in right away rather than leave the flat empty, and if he wants to chop me up and bake me into a pie, I hope he makes his own pastry because I can’t think of anything more mortifying than being baked into shop-bought. Now sod off so I can measure my new flat in peace. I’ll be back in an hour or so and if you’re very good, I’ll bring back treats.’
There was a brief pause on the line.
‘From the little bakery?’
‘From the little bakery,’ I confirmed as I walked into the closed-curtained living room and waited for my eyes to adjust. ‘I’m going, I’ll text you when I’m on my way back.’
‘On your way back with pastries. Love you!’
Ending the call, I put my phone back in my pocket and took my first proper look at my new home. It was perfect. Big windows, high ceilings, hardwood floors … and an enormous naked man walking straight towards me.
It was very hard to say who was screaming louder, me or the enormous naked man, but I was definitely winning in the high-pitch stakes, alerting dolphins all over the North Atlantic to my current predicament.
‘Oh my God!’ I yelled, my earbuds popping out of my ears and falling to the floor. ‘Help! Help!’
‘Help you?’ he shouted back while attempting to cover a most sensitive part of his anatomy with his hands. It was too late for that. Even in a panic, it was hard to miss a free-range penis when it was flying around in front of you. ‘You’re the one breaking and entering!’
‘Am not!’
Because arguing with a wet, naked potential murderer seemed like such a good idea.
‘Don’t you move,’ I said, hunched over in a defensive crouch, ready to spring. ‘I’m armed.’
‘With what?’
I clutched my bag to my body and tried to work out how much damage I could do with my Kindle, a half-eaten packet of Skittles and an infinite number of lip balms.
‘My body is a deadly weapon,’ I replied. ‘One more move and I’ll be forced to defend myself.’
We stared at each other for a moment, eye-to-eye, until I simply could not help myself and felt my gaze slipping lower.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ the man muttered, rearranging everything he wasn’t hiding underneath his cupped hands. He really was very large. Tall, broad. Strapping, my grandmother might’ve said but then again, if my grandmother were in my shoes, she’d have died of fright ten seconds earlier. It was a miracle I was still standing and I didn’t have her heart trouble.
‘OK, just be calm,’ I instructed, even though I wasn’t anywhere near calm myself. ‘This is what’s going to happen. You’re going to turn around, get dressed and leave before I call the police.’
‘And tell them what?’ he asked. ‘Why are you laughing? What’s so bloody funny?’
‘Well,’ I waved a hand around the living room, unbidden hysterical laughter bursting out of me. ‘There’s a massive, stark bollock naked man in my flat so I can either laugh or start screaming again, which would you prefer?’
