‘Exactly, like he’d suggest going on a long walk wearing shorts in the winter,’ I confirmed. ‘You know I prefer an indoor pet.’
‘Rat-boy is your usual preference,’ Desi admitted. ‘But types can change.’
‘Trust me, if you’d met his parents, you wouldn’t be so concerned.’ I let out a little laugh, mentally pasting his dad’s eyebrows onto Callum’s face. Instant ick. ‘I can see how this might look like a reckless decision from the outside but aren’t you the one always saying I need to be more spontaneous?’
‘No, I’ve literally never said that.’
‘I have but I was talking about maybe getting the train to the seaside or something instead of spending your day off on the sofa with all the Real Housewives again,’ Joel said. ‘Not agreeing to trek up to the other end of the country and spend all of Christmas with a random hot Scot you barely know.’
I snorted out another laugh as I pulled a pair of tights out from under Desi. ‘It’s all going to be fine, you’re both overreacting. I’m a doctor, I’m good at staying detached. From here on out, I’ll think of Callum as a patient instead of a human being.’
‘Surgeons don’t think of patients as human beings?’ Joel’s question pitched up with panic.
‘Forget I said that,’ I muttered. ‘The point is, you can’t get hurt if there aren’t any feelings involved and surgeons are very good at compartmentalising feelings.’
Joel looked at Desi. Desi looked at Joel.
‘But if by some bizarre, inexplicable chain of events Ididget attached,’ I continued loudly, ‘I swear I will never mention it to either of you, not once. Even if he metaphorically rips my guts out and I spend the rest of my days wandering the world in a Miss Havisham-esque nightmare, the name Callum McClay will never again pass my lips, unless I’m referring to him as my landlordor that bloke I went to Scotland with that one time at Christmas.’
‘Which brings me to my second complaint. I can’t believe you’re ditching us.’ Desi grabbed my wrist as I reached for a pair of black leggings and yanked me down onto the bed, creating a three-friend-cuddle-puddle with me as the littlest spoon. ‘Leaving me and Joel all on our own? How will we survive?’
‘By getting rat-arsed on Baileys and passing out before the King’s speech same as you do every year.’ I tried to twist around to look at them but a shooting pain in my neck spun me right back. Ten years of yoga and I was as flexible as a slab of cement. ‘If you can’t bear the thought of Christmas without me, you could always come to Scotland, you were invited.’
‘We were?’ Joel said, perking up.
‘Technically, they invited my sister,’ I clarified. ‘You could be my brother-in-law if you like?’
His forehead creased with confusion.
‘But you haven’t got a sister.’
‘I’m not a massage therapist called Caroline either,’ I replied. ‘I don’t think an imaginary sister is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back on this one.’
‘The situations you get yourself into.’ Desi sighed as she stroked my hair, the comforting scent of her woodsy perfume settling around me. ‘I don’t know, Lau, I still think you’re going to regret this.’
‘Then you have full permission to say I told you so if it goes tits up,’ I said with a loving smile. ‘Until then, can we all agree it’s a fun, silly adventure that we’ll all laugh about a week from now when we’re moving me into my lovely rent-free flat?’
‘Delulu is the solulu,’ Joel announced. ‘You might be a silly goose but you’re our silly goose. Here, take these.’
Breaking ranks from our three-way cuddle, he sat up and reached into the pocket of his jeans to produce the same black leather wallet he’d been carrying since Desi gave it to him for his twenty-first birthday. Opening it up, he pulled out a seemingly endless strip of condoms.
‘What is that thing, the TARDIS?’ I asked as he crammed the golden concertina into my hands. ‘How many condoms do you carry around on an average day?’
‘Better safe than sorry and better sorry than knocked up. Take them.’
‘There’s another box in my drawer, better pack them as well.’ Desi jerked her chin towards the bedside table. ‘I’ll humour your nonsense but I am not raising your Scottish love child.’
‘And you say I’m the ridiculous one.’ I clucked my tongue as I dropped the eight-condom strip into my suitcase. Just in case. Be prepared, prevention better than cure and all that jazz. ‘It’s a good job I love you two.’
‘You wouldn’t survive without us,’ Joel said. ‘At least not for long.’
‘Doesn’t bear thinking about,’ I replied with a grin, pulling myself out of the cuddle puddle to grab my trilling phone from the bedside table. A text from Dad, a picture of him waving from the bow of the ship. ‘I don’t even know how I’ll cope for five days.’
Desi reached over to open the drawer where I stood, revealing, as promised, a jumbo-sized box of condoms. ‘By filling your suitcase with these. Read my lips, no love child.’
‘Message received and understood,’ I said with asalute. ‘All I’m bringing back is myself, my suitcase and hopefully some shortbread if there’s time to stop at the shop.’
‘Laura,’ Joel said gravely. ‘If life has only taught me one thing, it’s that there is always time to stop for shortbread.’
