I gestured around the shop as Joel tried to kick awayhis exploded popcorn and a security guard appeared at the end of the aisle, hovering ominously.
‘Buying snacks?’ I replied, fully aware it was not the answer she was looking for.
‘I meant in general,’ Desi groaned. ‘What are we doing right here, right now? Why are we leaving Braewick in the first place?’
I was confused, I was frustrated, I was very angry and, somewhere underneath all that, I was starting to get a little bit hungry. All in all it was a terrible combination.
‘We’re leaving because I don’t need his mess in my life,’ I said. ‘You were right, is that what you want to hear? This whole thing was a massive mistake. You said I’d get hurt and you were right, well done, now can we please get in the car and get going?’
Desi folded her arms and planted her feet on the ground. Apparently we could not.
‘That’s not why we’re leaving,’ she said. ‘We’re leaving because you’re running away.’
‘Wrong,’ I replied, loud and clear. ‘Completely wrong.’
‘To be fair,’ Joel began cautiously, ‘you didn’t really give him much of a chance to defend himself. We’ve all said the wrong thing in the heat of the moment and that moment wasn’t exactly chill, was it?’
‘Really? You’re defending him?’ I was appalled with my supposed friends. ‘Whose side are you on?’
‘Yours, always yours. We both are,’ he paused to cast a quick look at Desi who nodded in agreement, ‘that’s why we’re telling you the truth instead of agreeing with you and chucking you in the back of the car with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.’
‘Then I’ll take the ice cream option, thanks,’ I said sourly. ‘I’ve heard about enough from you two.’
‘Too bad because I have one more thing to say and you’re going to listen to it.’ Desi stepped right up to my face, unaware she was risking life and limb. I’d never been so furious in my entire life. ‘This is how you know I’m deadly serious. I was not right, you were. You’re the one who said you wouldn’t get hurt but he might. We should’ve been listening then.’
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I scoffed and turned away, not interested in her little theories.
Joel went to rest a hand on my shoulder before catching the look on my face and thinking better of it.
‘You shut yourself off,’ he said from a safer distance behind Desi. ‘I know, it’s hard to hear but you do, and it’s not healthy.’
‘But he’s moving to Paris! And one day, he’ll probably want to move back up to Braewick, regardless of what he says now. I can’t work in Paris and there certainly aren’t any neurology units in Braewick. Why start something that’s going nowhere?’
She raised a hand to her ear, listening for something I couldn’t hear. ‘Oh, Joel, do you hear that?’ she said. ‘They’re playing my favourite song,Laura’s Excuses.’
Rage bubbled and bounced inside me, dangerously close to boiling over. I reached for the switch, the one that made the feelings disappear but it wasn’t there. My safety catch was gone and I was dangerously exposed.
‘They’re not excuses,’ I muttered. ‘They’re facts.’
‘He might move to Paris, he might move back to Scotland, I’m hearing an awful lot of possible things Callum might do in the future and nothing about how you feel right now,’ Desi said, poking me in the chest. ‘You can give me every excuse until you’re blue in the face but we both know it’s more than that. You don’tlet anyone in because you’re afraid that if you do, you’ll lose them one way or another.’
‘Is that right?’
‘Lau,’ she started, shaking her head sadly. ‘Your mum—’
‘Don’t,’ I warned, hovering altogether too close to the edge of my emotions. ‘If you value your kneecaps, you will not say another word.’
‘It’s just—’
Rage charged around my body until I couldn’t control it any longer and, for want of something constructive to say, I booted a Turkey Feast sandwich all the way to the fresh fruit and veg.
‘Laura—’
‘I said not one more word!’
Desi and Joel clutched each other’s hands, stunned expressions on their faces.
‘You want to share? Great, let’s share,’ I swiped my hair out of my face, not even flinching when it got caught in my watch strap, yanking a chunk right out my scalp. ‘You were wrong, Des, but not about poor, hard-done-by Callum. You were wrong when you said I’m an amateur when it comes to being angry. I am angry all the time, every single day. I’m fuckingconsumedby it. I’m angry at my dad for not being there for me like other people’s parents. I’m angry about losing my mum, angry at the doctors who didn’t save her, I’m even angryather for dying which is literally insane. What did I do to deserve any of it?’
