‘No.’ Desi remained where she was, arms wrapped around a cushion in her lap.
‘Upstairs,’ I ordered. ‘I need you to help me bring the presents down.’
Predictably, she sprang to life at the sound of the ‘P’ word.
‘You brought presents with you?’ she asked, bounding after me as I raced up the stairs. ‘I haven’t got yours. I thought we agreed we’d do gifts when you got home?’
I pushed her into my room and closed the door. ‘We did and I haven’t but, looking at that tree, Lizzie has gifts for all of us and I’ve got nothing to give her. We need to find something ASAP.’
Rather than answer, her eyes raked over the room. The messy bedsheets, my discarded underwear, the empty condom wrappers I’d promised I wouldn’t need but had made excellent use of.
‘I knew it!’ she howled and I clapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her volume. It worked until she licked the inside of my hand and I pulled it away, deeply grossed out.
‘I bloody well knew it,’ she crowed. ‘I said to Joel, they’re shagging, and he said, no, they aren’t, she’s not that stupid, and I said, oh yes she is, and he said—’
‘All right, Widow Twankey,’ I scowled. ‘Congratulations, you’re right. Is that what you want to hear?’
‘Better than any other present you could’ve given me,’ she nodded happily. ‘Tell me everything.’
‘We haven’t got time to get into it now.’ I pawed through my open suitcase, raking through my colourful clothes, my meagre makeup bag. ‘We need to find suitable Christmas presents for Derek, Lizzie, Elsie and Rory.’
‘Elsie can have a kick in the puss and like it,’ Desi sniped. ‘And the rate Joel’s going, Rory should be getting his Christmas present as soon as his parents’ backs areturned. They’re panting for each other worse than you and the other one.’
‘All things we can discuss later. Do you think Lizzie would like this?’
I held up a slightly dog-eared edition ofOnyx StormI’d been carrying around all year and still hadn’t had time to read. Desi shook her head.
‘What if she hasn’t read the first two?’
‘Good point.’
‘Even if she has, what if it gives her the mega horn and she shags Derek into a heart attack?’
‘Less helpful point.’
‘I don’t understand why you need to give them anything,’ she said, combing through the suitcase she’d watched me pack, in her flat, where I’d been living for six weeks, as though she’d never seen a single one of my possessions before. ‘Isn’t the entire objective of this trip to make them hate you?’
‘It was,’ I replied hesitantly. ‘There might be a shift in direction on the horizon.’
‘Oh, Laura,’ she groaned, cutting herself off, hands held up in surrender. ‘Nope, I’m not going to say it. I don’t need to. You’re a grown-up.’
‘That’s right, I am,’ I said. ‘As soon as we’ve come up with presents, you can call me every name under the sun if it makes you feel better. Are you going to help me or not?’
‘Not?’
‘Wrong answer.’ I planted my hands on my hips and let my head fall back in frustration. ‘This is useless. Have you got anything?’
‘Nothing I’m prepared to give you. And don’t look like that, you’re not going to change my mind.’
‘Des,’ I clutched my hands together in prayer. ‘Please, for me. For Christmas.’
‘Nope.’
‘If you help me, I’ll buy you a pony.’
‘No, you won’t.’
‘I might. We’re on a farm, Derek might have one going cheap. We could tie it up outside the flat, next to the electric car charger and the bollard everyone uses as a urinal.’
