‘He ruined my favourite little black dress and that’s kind of the same thing,’ she replied. ‘What are the chances I’ll ever find another Chanel cocktail dress for a hundred bucks at Goodwill? Slim to none, Phoebe, slim to none.’
‘OK, yes, that is bad,’ I admitted. ‘But not as bad as Thomas.’
She turned the phone over and placed it face down. ‘This is the guy who’s getting married this weekend?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you still have feelings for him?’
It wasn’t what she said, it was the way she said it. The same way everyone said it. Not quite pitying but there was a definite implication that whatever was wrong was my fault and I needed to let it go.
‘Yes, I have feelings for him,’ I replied. ‘I hate him.’
She placed one hand on my shoulder, a reassuring weight that did nothing to help. ‘Babe, I can see you’re angry but you shouldn’t hate people. It’s like that old religious saying, “anger leads to hate and hate leads to the dark side”, you know?’
‘I know that’s fromStar Wars,’ I replied, allowing my bottled up rage to flow through me until I was sure I could shoot lightning bolts out of my fingers.‘You’re not listening, Bel. I really, really, really hate him. I hate him more than I hate going to the post office. I hate him more than making tea then finding out the milk has gone off.’ I closed my eyes and made little fists, letting it all pour out. ‘I hate him more than one of those little hygienic seals they put inside a bottle of shampoo that you only find when you’re already in the shower.’
‘Whoa,’ Bel gasped.
At last. She understood.
‘He is not a good person. Those are not chill messages, they are reminders that he exists. He’s twisting the knife, it’s his second favourite hobby after sticking it in your back in the first place.’
‘Let’s sit down,’ Bel suggested, leading me away from the kitchen and all its sharp objects, across the big airy room to the sofa.
‘Can you tell me what happened between the two of you?’ she asked as I sank into the comfy cushions. ‘I’d like to help if I can.’
‘I appreciate it, really I do, but I’ve had help.’ I scrunched the deep pile of the rug between my toes, left foot first then right foot, trying to remember all the tools Therese had taught me. Be present, concentrate on what’s happening right now. ‘But short of help hiding his body, I’m not sure there’s anything else anyone can do.’
‘Phoebe.’ She knelt down on the floor in front of me, hands on my knees as they bounced up and down. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but if you do, it all stays here with me. I won’t tell anyone and I won’t judge. I won’t even react if you don’t want me to.’
Closing my eyes, I fished through my feelings, trying to decide what was safe, what to share, where to start.
‘He’s not funny,’ I said, the first trickle to find its way out of the floodgates. ‘Even when we first met, I never thought he was funny. He calls Facebook “The Book of Face”, he’s obsessed with Piers Morgan and he looks like a sentient ham.’
‘Thomas or Piers Morgan?’
‘Either or.’
‘Ham can be persuasive,’ Bel reasoned. ‘I’ve been charmed by ham before.’
‘Yes, that’s it. He’s charming.’ I held my hands out in front of me as though I was trying to crush the air between them. ‘Everyone thinks he’s so brilliant but they only see him in small doses. If they’d lived with him, they’d know he’s the biggest arsehole to walk the earth since, well, let’s stick with Piers Morgan, and that’s probably not even fair to Piers.’
Bel sat beside me, patient and kind, not saying anything, not doing anything, quietly waiting for me to continue.
‘Honestly, the whole story is very predictable and depressing,’ I looked her right in the eye so she knew I meant it. ‘He was amazing when we first started going out, then when we moved in together, he got more controlling, more manipulative. Instead of telling me I was beautiful and clever and funny, like he did in the beginning, it was “oh wow, you’ve made an effort today”. Once he told me I was lucky fat arses had come into fashion, and instead of telling him to piss off, I laughed and agreed with him. I didn’t eat proper food for a week after that.’
Bel covered my hand with her own but stayed quiet.
‘When Gran died and Suzanne left the country, I was on my own and he knew it. He never got angry or violent, he was too clever for that. It was more subtle, bringing me down, complaining about my friends, reminding me how lucky I was to have someone like him.’ I stopped as the fury rose up inside me again and pushed out a long, slow breath. ‘I’d really rather not go into the specifics but it was dark.’
‘You don’t have to,’ she replied. ‘I believe you.’
Three such powerful words.
‘I never thought something like that would happen to me,’ I said with a rueful smile for silly past Phoebe. ‘You see it all the time on TV, don’t you? And you think, why don’t they leave? Why can’t they see what’s going on? I thought I was too clever to fall for it but no, I walked right in and I stayed.’
‘Until you left,’ she reminded me. ‘What changed?’
