‘Let’s go out,’ Bel said again, stretching out all hervowels with belligerence. ‘We had a near-death experience, we have to celebrate. With shots.’
‘That’s not a rule.’
‘It’s a new rule, I just made it.’
‘Maybe another night,’ I told her as I opened the car door. ‘I still have to go and drop off those packages and this mermaid needs her beauty sleep.’
‘But the hot men,’ Bel whined. ‘You’re depriving the studs of LA a chance to get to know you.’
I laughed, shooting for a carefree chuckle but landing closer to a glove puppet being savagely attacked by an angry squirrel. The thought of going out-out with Bel made my skin itch and I wasn’t proud of the fact. She was gorgeous in an immediate way. Even though there was a lot more under the surface, the surface was more than attractive enough on its own. No one would ever have to get to know her first or gradually fall for her personality. She’d never have to wow someone with a witty joke and hope they would eventually, one day, see her as something more than a friend. She and I were very different people.
Because you’re boring, whispered the unwelcome voice in my head. You’re dull. You’re so ordinary. No one cares what you think.
‘—you’re cute and funny, you have a great accent, and what a butt.’
When I snapped back to the real conversation I was having with a real person, Bel was still counting off my attributes on her fingers.
‘Any man would be lucky to have you,’ she declared. ‘Even for one or two nights.’
‘Sorry,’ I said, running out of polite ways to say no. ‘I’m really tired. All that mermaiding took it out of me,I think I’m going to curl up with a good book and get an early night.’
‘So, Suzanne told me not to ask you, but is this about your ex?’
I crystallized at the mention of him, the sweet, warm safety I felt when I was with Bel transforming into something brittle and breakable.
‘My ex?’
‘Yeah, Suzie kinda mentioned he’s getting married soon?’ she added. ‘And maybe you’re not like, totally completely over him? And maybe that’s why you came out to visit?’
‘That’s not how it is at all,’ I replied, switching my eyes away as I tapped myself down for the house keys. ‘I couldn’t be more over him if I tried.’
‘She said you haven’t dated anyone else since you guys broke up?’
‘It hasn’t been that long.’
‘You don’t think two years is long?’
So Suzanne didn’t like to talk about herself but she didn’t mind sharing hot takes on my personal life with complete strangers? Good to know.
‘OK,’ I said, opening the door and spilling out onto the pavement. I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough. ‘I really need a wee and I’m going to be late to my other thing so I’m going to go. Thanks for the lift and saving my life and stuff.’
‘Wait, what about the love letter?’ Bel called as the ground rushed up to meet my feet. ‘I didn’t even give you my list of things I love about Ren!’
‘Text it to me,’ I shouted over my shoulder as I scrambled upstairs to the front door, forced my key into thelock and closed it quickly behind me. The sound of my heartbeat pounded in my ears in contrast to the serene silence of the house.
The thought of Suzanne and Bel sitting around her kitchen table, gossiping about me, turned my blood into acid. I could only imagine the other lies and half-truths that were doing the rounds. After Gran died, more than a few of my friends drifted away. It wasn’t their fault and I didn’t blame them; they didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know what I wanted them to say. I’d never lost anyone before and it was dizzying, exhausting, a fresh wave of grief knocking me off my feet every single time I managed to get up. Mum and I weren’t close, Suzanne was far away and the only person who kept me rooted in my life was gone forever. Not even I could come up with a card to suit that occasion. The right words didn’t exist.
Instead I doubled down on what I had left, desperate to hold on to it. Thomas. I made him my whole world and in return, he closed the curtains, locked the doors and kept everyone else away. I didn’t realize how dangerous that was until it was too late. It took hardly any effort on his part to convince me he was the only thing I had left in the world and months later, when I finally found the strength to stop drinking his poison, almost all my friends were gone. The thought of having to beg them all to come back and explain what had happened, my grief, my mistakes, the misery he put me through when I was at my weakest, was too much.
So I didn’t.
Dumping my handbag on the kitchen table, I openeda cupboard door just to slam it shut again, the sound echoing all the way through the beautiful, silent house.
The very thought that I was still in love with him.
My sister didn’t have a clue.
CHAPTER NINE
