‘So, quick question,’ I said as I sat back down. ‘What just happened?’
‘Kill me,’ she replied. ‘Push me in front of the biggest, fastest car you can see. Make it quick, I’m begging you.’
‘And “Snigh”? Please tell me that’s cool LA slang I’m not aware of.’
‘I started to say “so nice to meet you” and “hi” at the same time but it all came out together and then I think I blacked out,’ she mumbled without lifting her head. ‘I told you not to call him over, I told you I wouldn’t be able to talk to him.’
‘And you were not lying.’
Combing her hair out of her eyes, she peered up at me. ‘It’s bad, isn’t it?’
‘It’s not great,’ I admitted.
‘I’ve always been a people person,’ she sobbed. ‘I can talk to anyone. You, Suzanne, that rando guy over there who can’t stop staring at me,’ she paused to point at the man who had been staring at her and fussing with his crotch ever since we’d sat down. ‘I could talk to him all day long because I’m not attracted to him at all.’
The poor, awful man’s face.
She groaned and pressed her fingertips into her temples. ‘As soon as I meet someone I like, it’s game over. My brain goes into shuffle mode, I forget how to sequence words in the right order. But I like him so much, Phoebe, I like him so much. Sometimes I lose count of Suzanne’s burpees because I’m too busy staring at his garden, waiting for him to come outside. This one time, I made her hold a plank for two whole minutes because he was swimming laps and I forgot how to tell time.’
‘Well, he seems really …’ I paused as I searched for the appropriate words to describe Ren. Funny? Weirdly obsessed with birds? So hot you could fry an egg on him? ‘He seems really nice.’
‘And there are maybe four nice people in this entire city,’ Bel said, nodding aggressively. ‘I did a little light investigating and all the women on his Instagram are stunning. Like, they could be beauty influencers, they’re so hot.’
‘Bel, you are also beauty influencer hot,’ I pointed out. ‘If you told me to buy a mascara, I would.’
‘That’s so sweet of you to say,’ she replied with a sniff. ‘But it’s not just that. He’s a real intellectual, he posts pictures of books. Books he’s read! On June 22nd, it was a Tuesday, I saw him coming out of the bookstore down the street with a whole stack of ’em in his arms. And now he thinks I’m a total weirdo dummy.’
‘He does not think you’re a total weirdo dummy.’
It was a lie. He did. And if he found out she knew what he was doing on June 22nd, he’d think she was a stalker as well.
‘Don’t you think he’s handsome?’ she said, practically swooning at the table. ‘Don’t you think he’s the most gorgeous, amazing, incredible man with the best hair you’ve ever seen?’
‘Yes, he is very good-looking and his hair is very nice,’ I agreed. ‘But don’t you think he’s almost too good-looking?’
She looked confused. ‘No?’
‘He’s not a real person, is he?’ I explained. ‘I can’t imagine doing normal everyday things with someone like that. He looks like a Ken doll.’
And it wasn’t as though someone like Ren would ever look twice at someone like you, a familiar, dark voice whispered in my ear, someone so deeply, desperately ordinary. With a shaky hand, I picked up my coffee and took a deep, scorching swallow, doing my best to ignore it until it went away. It always did, eventually.
‘My life is ruined,’ Bel whined, faceplanting back onto the table. ‘I might as well order the yoghurt parfait, lactose intolerance be damned. Screw it, I wanna go to Jeni’s Ice Cream.’
‘Let’s not do anything drastic,’ I said, gently patting the back of her head. Her hair really was incredibly soft. When she wasn’t weeping loudly enough for everyone in a three-block radius to hear, I would have to ask what kind of shampoo and conditioner she used. ‘Even if you didn’t make the ideal first impression, you still have the perfect opportunity to dazzle him the second time around.’
She looked up with red-rimmed eyes.
‘I do?’
‘He’s coming over to see the hawk tomorrow. You can try again then.’
‘No way. I’m not, I can’t, I’m too embarrassed.’ Right as she dropped her head back to the table, the door to the restaurant opened and our waitress appeared, carrying a huge circular tray laden with plates. I tried moving our coffee cups around to make room for our food but the only thing that was really in the way was Bel’s face.
‘You’re good at talking, I’m good with words. Between us, we can turn this around,’ I told her, a plan starting to come together, as the waitress tried and failed to finda spot for all our food. ‘We need to prepare. Find out what he’s into, see if you have any shared interests, any hobbies, preferences, that sort of thing.’
‘Like, sexual preferences?’ she asked, her head popping up from the table. ‘Like, is he kinky?’
‘I was thinking more like the music he listens to, but if he’s into dressing up as a baby and having pureed carrots thrown at him you probably would want to know before things go any further.’
