As I drive, I go over the process in my head for the hundredth time.I visualize the steps I’ll take and double-check that I haven’t missed something.I already set up what I can in advance, in those rare moments when Declan wasn’t with me.And now it’s go time.
Since I know how the MacLaine boys managed to locate someone by hacking into their razor—for crying out loud!—I decide not to bring any electronics with me.I’ll take only one change of clothes and the cash I’ve managed to withdraw in several chunks over the last two weeks.I’ll have to bring my driver’s license, though I worry there’s some kind of chip in it that can be used to find me.
I’ve been writing a letter to Declan in my head for many days now, knowing that I don’t dare put anything to paper.If Declan found my note before I make my move, I’ll be right back to that impossible situation, where he’ll use all his impressive skills to change my mind.
It’s been hard to spend time with my MacLaine sisters, too.They’re thrilled with my miraculous health news, and they’ve tried to have a few heart-to-hearts with me about my options, but I have to shut that shit down.I just can’t talk about it.
Their festive mood got ratcheted up even higher when Phoebe and Evander decided they wanted a wedding ceremony.Everyone’s going nutso with the details.Phoebe thinks maybe they’ll have it this spring, while her sick father is still healthy enough to enjoy it.
I can’t listen to all their excitement and happiness.Because I know I won’t be here to share it with them.
I hate it—all of it.I hate pretending that I’m here and fully alive, when my mind and heart is already gone, already dead to everyone here at Yosemite.It’s another form of lying, really, and it’s cut me to the core to have to do it.
To look into every smiling face—Phyllis, Jamie, Jasmine, Joe, and all my friends and coworkers—and know I’ll never see them again is a level of pain I didn’t think was possible.
And finally, today is the day I leave.
I reach the cabin and go inside, grabbing a few more things I might want with me.I have no idea what’s gotten into me, but I find my gold electroplate Beyoncé wedding ring and slip it on.At least I’ll have something of him to carry with me.
I sit with a pen and piece of notebook paper beneath the little pendant light that hangs over my dinette table.I put it all down for him to find.It’s short, but it’s got everything in there.
My deepest apology for leaving.My assurances that he deserves more than I can ever give him.And then I beg him to not try to find me.
For the last time, I tell Declan that he’s the best thing to ever happen to me.And that I’ll love him forever.
I cry while I write that last bit, even though it’s not new to me.It’s all stuff he already knows, too.Tears drop onto the top of my hand, anyway.
Before I sign my name, I ask him to please sign and file the prepared annulment agreement I’m leaving with this letter.
It has to be done, I tell him.Only then will he be free to find the joy and fulfillment he deserves.
I fold the papers in thirds, then slip them into an envelope.I write his name on the outside and prop it against the old wooden bowl on my table.I go out the front door for the last time.
But before I hike out, I turn and take one last look at what I’m leaving behind.
It’s a sweet little place, even in the barest light of sunrise, and I loved every minute I was privileged to spend here.
I head down the hill toward the spot where I’ve hidden one of the ranch ATVs in the brush.I did this so that no one will see me remove it from the shed and ask questions.I start the engine and follow the roundabout way up to the hot springs, where I cut the engine and leave the keys in the ignition.
It’s difficult to fight off the memories of this spot, in particular.All the summer days I’ve spent here with the whole gang, drinking beers and laughing, slinging the snark and catching it when it was thrown right back at me.
I watched the MacLaines grow into men here.Good men, all of them.I’m going to miss them like hell.
I hike to the river, where I’ve hidden a kayak, and I paddle with the current for over a half hour.Then I pull up onto the shore, climb out, and send the kayak downstream without me.
From here, it’s a three-mile hike to the small town where I plan to catch the bus.I stay off the roads.Each step I take through the melting snow gives me time to think.
I think of where Declan might be at this moment.I wonder what he’s holding in his heart of hearts.And I pray that he can one day forgive me.
It’s pretty shocking, really, how my life got to this place.I’m alone in the world, just as I was that day so many years ago, when I wandered onto Yosemite Ranch.
I had no family, because my original family abandoned me.
And I walked right into the warmth and acceptance of my second family, the one I’m now abandoning.
Maybe I deserve to be alone.Maybe the true Summer Stevens is a loner.Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being alone in the world, right?There are worse fates.
All goes according to plan; I reach town under a bright morning sun.This little place makes Sweetbriar look like a metropolis, but the only thing that matters is that it’snotSweetbriar, where everyone and their uncle knows me.This little bend-in-the-road has one stop sign and a gas station with a mini-mart, and that’s it.
