At first, I was taking antidepressants I’d been prescribed by the doctor, but they weren’t enough. My relationship with Matt was falling apart, and I began to siphon off the rent money to buy stronger drugs from a dealer who lived in the flat above us. Soon it was too late. I was an addict – I couldn’t live without the pills.
Matt had no idea. He was too caught up in making a career for himself. He didn’t notice my mood swings, or the fact I’d lost a couple of stone in weight, and I began to steal to keep the dealer off my back, but eventually I racked up a debt I couldn’t pay back.
Things went from bad to worse and the dealer started to threaten me. I knew that I could never pay the money back and being scared for my life I ran. I left Matt without telling him anything because I was so deeply ashamed. I never saw him again.
When I left I didn’t know I was pregnant and I lived on the streets, visiting soup kitchens and begging for food wherever possible, but stealing anything and everything to feed my addiction.
The evening of 2ndFebruary was bitterly cold. I was slumped against the doorway of a café. It was after hours and the shutters were down. There wasn’t a soul in sight when I started to experience pain like nothing I’d ever felt before. It was only when I got the urge to push that I realised I was about to give birth. There was a light on in the flat above the café and I screamed and banged on the door so loudly that the owner appeared. She had a baby on her hip, which she promptly took back upstairs, but when she came back a few minutes later, she was armed with blankets and a pillow and made me up a makeshift bed on the floor of the café. If it wasn’t for her, I dread to think what would have happened. She rang for an ambulance but you were almost here.
Irene took a breather and looked across at Elle. ‘How are you doing there?’
Elle took a moment. To hear about the tragic death of Cora’s parents – her grandparents – was one thing, but discovering her mother had been terrified and all alone in the world and the fact that her father possibly didn’t know she existed even now…
‘It’s strange to hear her address me by my proper name. No one has called me Eleanor for as long as I can remember.’
Irene gave Elle a smile. ‘It’s a beautiful name. Do you want me to carry on?’
Elle nodded.
You were born in the early hours of 2ndFebruary. From what I could see, you were perfect – chubby even, which was a good sign considering I’d barely eaten for months.
You cried the moment you made an appearance and I was relieved. The lady gave me clean clothes – we were of a similar build – and she cleaned you up and wrapped you tightly in a shawl. I held you in my arms and hugged you tight while she made me some food.
The lady disappeared upstairs to check on her own child and it was then that I decided I couldn’t take you back on the streets. You deserved a better life.
I scribbled a note on the order pad to look after my beautiful baby, whom I wished to name Eleanor. I told her you might need medical attention due to the drugs I’d taken and that I loved you. I laid you down on the floor and kissed you goodbye.
As I paused at the door, I could hear the sirens in the distance. I knew you were going to be safe. My heart was breaking, but I knew I was making the right decision. I couldn’t take you with me. I needed to get myself clean. I came back to you one more time and whispered. ‘I love you,’ before disappearing into the night. But I never forgot you, and I celebrate your birthday every year.
It took me a while to get my life back on track. One cold evening, I’d ventured into a shelter and was recognised by one of the volunteers – an old friend of my mum’s. She kindly took me in and looked after me. She transformed my life, got me clean and helped me to find a job. Then I met a wonderful man named George. We have a son together, and now, after all these years, I’ve finally shared my past with them both. Hopefully one day we’ll all meet and we can make a fresh start.
When you’ve had time to digest all this, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
I have no idea how to finish this letter, but I hope it’s not the end – only the beginning for the both of us.
All my love,
Cora x
Elle and Irene sat in silence, Elle’s head whirling as she tried to digest all the information.
‘I always thought the hardest part was not knowing, but I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been, feeling that scared and addicted to drugs. Not knowing where you would be sleeping each night. I know what it’s like to feel that you’re in the big wide world on your own and it’s a very lonely place to be without any real support.’
‘I think Cora’s been very brave to share all this with you,’ responded Irene, ‘especially about her addiction. She could have kept it to herself but instead she’s been completely honest. And it just shows you’re two remarkable individuals. You’ve both had an incredibly rough time in life, but you’ve persevered.’
Elle nodded.
‘And now she has made a good life for herself and it sounds like she has a beautiful family. She wants to start again with you, which is wonderful.’
Elle took the letter from Irene and reread it herself. ‘Matt Harrison. He has to be my father, right?’
‘It sounds like that’s possible. Where do you go from here?’ Irene asked tentatively.
‘I want to meet her if she’s in agreement and I’d like to discover a little more about my father. Even if she never saw him again, she would know his date of birth, the area he could possibly be living in…’ Elle glanced over the information from the Salvation Army. ‘It says if I want to meet her then I can give the caseworker a call and she’ll organise a time and place.’
‘Whatever happens, I’m always here for you, Elle.’
‘Thank you,’ she said, picking up the phone and dialling the number on the letter.
