‘It’s not stupid.’ Laila squeezed my hand. ‘Wanting your mother to love you is normal. Is that why you got upset, y’know, when I was talking about how badly my parents treated me? Is it because hearing how my parents didn’t care, it was triggering?’
I nodded.
‘For many years I wondered what I did wrong. Why she did not love me. She did what she wanted because she did not care about me and my father. We were not enough for her. I thought that if I could do better at school she would change. But she did not. Then when I started to see that she always went for men with money, I thought if I could make a success of myself and become rich, then she would finally love me.’
‘And that’s what drove you to start your business.’
‘Oui.The irony was that when I dropped out of university to pursue it, she was angry, so it had the opposite effect I was hoping for. In a way, I think that her disinterest drove me. I wanted to prove to her and everyone who doubted me that I could become a success. I think I also secretly hoped that when I made a success of myself, she would be proud and finally love me, which is probably why I started talking to her again. But the strange thing was, once I made the app a success, the less I wanted her to know.’
‘Maybe it’s because you thought she didn’t deserve to?’
‘Oui. If she was not there to support me during my hard times, I did not want her to celebrate with me during my best times.’
‘That makes sense.’
‘I should not have to be rich or give her grandchildren for her to accept me.’
‘I agree. Thank you for telling me.’ Laila paused. ‘I can’t comment on her as a person in the past, because obviously her actions then were terrible, but based on how she’s helped me out over the years, I do believe that she has good inside her. It’s completely up to you whether you decide to give her another chance or not, but it might be worth considering having a conversation with her. A really honest one. My parents never owned up to their mistakes and they never showed any interest in trying again like your mum is. So it might be worth thinking about whether you feel able to give her another chance. I guess it also depends on how she reacts when I tell her about us.’
I considered Laila’s comments for a moment.
Right now, it felt like I’d never be able to fully forgive her, but…
Wait.
Forget about my mother.
Laila had saidwhen I tell her about us.
Was she choosing to be with me?
‘So there is anus?’ My brows shot up.
‘Maybe…’ She flashed me a cheeky smile. ‘But as I was saying before, I have concerns. Not about your mother. More about our life stages. For example, do you want kids?’
‘The truth?Non.My parents’ divorce was very damaging for me and I think that made me feel from a young age that I never wanted to put someone else through that, so I have just never had the desire. I have friends with children and I enjoy spending time with them, but I do not feel like fatherhood is for me. And I would never want to have a child then regret it. That is one of the reasons I broke up with my ex. She wanted children and I did not. I think she hoped I would change my mind. And you?’
I held my breath. I assumed that Laila did not want any more children, but I had to ask.
‘No. I’ve raised Ricky and now he’s grown up I want to focus on me. But what about partying? Don’t you want to go out and get pissed with your friends instead of sitting at home with a forty-something woman?’
‘Laila.’ I took her hands in mine. ‘I just want to enjoy my life withyou. When I received the money from the sale, I partied for two months. I travelled, I fooled around with different women, and do you know what?’
‘What?’
‘I hated it. I woke up every day feeling empty. I have a beautiful apartment in Paris and I am sad there.’
‘You’re sad?’
‘Oui. And now I realise what Cassie said to me before I applied for the Love Hotel was right. She said that it was because I needed a good woman to share it with. And that woman is you.’
Laila swallowed hard and her eyes widened.
‘I actually think you’re serious.’
‘I am as serious as an earthquake. I told you from the start, I am direct. I say what I feel and the truth is, I love you, Laila. Saying that out loud is scary for me because until now, I never believed that I could have a real relationship. I always wonder if I will be enough and whether a woman will want to stay, but this feels different. I want to spend my life with you. The only question now is whether you want me too.’
42
