It wasn’t a declaration of love. It wasn’t even a claim of coupledom.
But he said I waseverything, and I’ve never been anyone’s everything. Not to my parents. Certainly not to a man.
But I’m everything to Titus, and I think that’s way better than being just someone he’s dating.
It’s even better than being a girlfriend.
I’d still like to be someone he’s fucking, though.
28
Titus
Idon’t think I can jack off anymore. Physically, I’m not sure my body can handle it. I’ll be the one passing out from dehydration, and I’m not confident in Mariah’s ability to pick me up off the floor.
But the alternative is walking around my house with a constant hard-on, and that’s not going to happen. Sleeping beside her every night, waking up to the sweet press of her ass against my dick, is testing my willpower in a way nothing else has. More times than I can count, I’ve been on the edge of peeling her pajama pants off so I can sink into her body.
And that would be wrong. I’ve pushed shit farther than I should as it is. No way will I push this. When Mariah’s ready to take that step, she’ll let me know. I just have to be patient.
And hope she doesn’t start noticing my showers take a hell of a lot longer than they should.
“Are you almost ready?” Mariah comes into my room, looking fucking gorgeous. She normally wears her hair up around the house, but today she's left it down, the long, blonde waves tumbling past her shoulders. She’s dressed in one of the cute matching shirt and pant sets that has enough stretch she’ll likely be able to wear it most of her pregnancy. And I can’t helpbut imagine what it will look like. How she’ll look with a rounded belly. How she’ll react to feeling the first flutters of movement. What she’ll want the baby’s room to look like.
If she’ll want to find out if it’s a boy or a girl.
I swallow hard, the twinge of guilt pinching my gut. It’s not sharp or painful, but it’s still there. And maybe it always will be.
I’m not betraying Kara. I know that. She wouldn’t have wanted me to lock myself away like I did. Deep down I know she’d be happy I’m starting to live again. She’d be happy Mariah found me. I’ve just got to figure out how to let go of the guilt I’m carrying for feeling the same way.
“I’m ready.” I move closer to where Mariah stands, looping an arm around her waist and pulling her close. “You sure you don’t mind coming with me?” I want to believe I could do this on my own, but based on the last time I was at the office, I’d be wrong.
“Do I mind getting out of the house for the first time in weeks?” Mariah gives me a grin. “Not at all.” Her expression softens, smile dimming the slightest bit. “What about you? We don’t have to do this. You can keep working exclusively from home the way you always have and everyone will just have to deal with it.”
I know this. I know I can stay here and continue on the same way I’ve been going. My team has been just fine only having access to me digitally. But Mariah can’t live the way I have. It’s not fair. She deserves to enjoy the world and experience any and everything she wants. I would never stop her.
But I also can’t stomach the idea of her doing it without me. Of Mariah being somewhere and having a dizzy episode. Or worse, her passing out and me not being there to take care of her.
So I’ve got to get over myself. Suck it up and face my fears. Coming into the office is a great—and relatively tolerable—way to get the ball rolling.
Hopefully I can find a way to branch out.
“I’m going to be just fine.” I manage to offer a smile back even though my insides are already twisting up. “Promise.”
I will find a way to be fine. Figure out how to rejointhe world. I have to. Even once Mariah has the baby, I can’t imagine not wanting to join them at least part of the time. I can’t imagine wanting to stay behind while they move forward without me.
I manage to keep the worst of my anxiety at bay as I load Mariah into my new car, buckle her in—being careful not to make the belt too tight across her belly—and drive us to the office.
We waited until later in the morning to leave, giving Mariah’s stomach time to settle, so everyone is already inside the building when we park. It gives my own stomach additional time to form a knot as we cross to the entrance. Mariah’s hand stays tucked tightly in mine as she greets the receptionist at the main desk. Without Trevor to escort us inside, I’m forced to remember the way. It’s a blessing in disguise, because instead of worrying about what everyone’s thinking when they see me, I’m worrying about making sure I don’t drag Mariah all over the campus.
Thankfully, I manage to get us to the large room housing my team without getting turned around, and we’re stepping inside right on time.
We’re still the last to arrive, so every set of eyes in the room locks onto us as we walk in. Mariah grips my hand tighter, stepping partway in front of me like her small body can shield me from their stares. The tip of her chin lifts, eyes narrowing as they snap from person to person, glaring until I’m no longer the center of everyone’s attention.
Trevor watches the whole thing from where he stands at the front of the room. One brow angles at me as I lead Mariah toward him. I know what he’s questioning, but I’m not interested in giving him any answers. Not that I have any. I don’t know what Mariah and I are. I don’t know exactly how she feels about me. And I’m not going to put her on the spot by asking.
So, like the physical aspect of our situation, the ball that will label our emotional connection sits firmly in her court.
My brother has already pulled a chair up for Mariah to sit in, so I get her situated close beside me before taking a deep breath and starting the first in-person meetingof my career.
