I didn’t want to hear any more criticism. I couldn’t.
I broke in, “No, Kaede. You hurt me. I don’t know how to get that through to you. You’ve been treating me as if I were a child. I know I haven’t had much experience interacting with people and I have a lot to learn, but Xylo, Odelm, and everyone here has been helping me learn. Not trying to shoveme in a cage as though I were incapable of figuring things out for myself. I know I’ll make mistakes, but they aremineto make! It isn’t my fault that I don’t know what’s going to happen once we arrive at CEG HQ—it’s yours, because you refuse to tell me. I’m doing everything I can, and I’m glad to have both Xylo and Odelm as a permanent part of my life, but...”
I choked back a sob and Kaede reached out to touch me. I threw up a hand to hold him off, unable to bear his touch right now.
“I may look like I’m happy and carefree—but I’m not. I’m fucking scared. Scared of what the future holds. Scared of my cubs being forced to endure what I had to... Scared of being put back in cage. And you doing precisely that? Not helping. Nor does you acting one way when we’re alone, then entirely different in public or when things don’t go your way. Who exactly are you, Kaede?”
His black-gloved hands gently took the cup out of my shaking hand. He set it on the table as the lights in the room dimmed—only the light streaming in from the glass wall behind Kaede remaining, casting him into shadow. Reaching up, he removed his visor, setting it on the armrest.
He turned to face me, black-slitted neon eyes meeting mine as he gathered my hands in his. Blue-black eyebrows scrunched in deep thought. His thin black lips turned down in a frown, making his fangs more prominent.
“Do you truly believe this?” Kaede whispered, voice laced with sorrow.
“See... this is what I mean. What happened to the attitude you had earlier? Who isthisKaede? And is he the real one? Or is the asshole?”
He squeezed my hands and turned away.
A sigh escaped before he responded, “Do you understand how hard it is to let you see me like this? I have no experiencewith this. I could never afford to let anyone close. In the Aldawi Empire, they say I bring death wherever I go. Everyone aboard theDestinyknows this—which is why they’ve all cooperated. People fear me, Selena. I need people to fear me to do my job. And that doesn’t leave much room for softness.” Kaede turned his head and his soulful eyes locked onto mine. “I don’t know how to act around you. You don’t treat me like everyone else. You respect me as a person. You aren’t afraid of how I look. I want to be your friend. But I’m going to screw up. A lifetime of isolation and killing...”
He paused, taking in a deep breath then letting it out slowly. “Does the knowledge that I kill truly not scare you?”
I searched his eyes. This was the fragile and vulnerable Kaede I’d seen two days ago. As if his world hinged on my acceptance and opinion of him. But could I believe it? Why would I have power over him? Why did what I thought about him matter so much?
I thought about his question.
“How many?” I whispered.
“Kills? Myself? Or my crew included?”
I could see the panic. It made me wonder if Kaede had always worn the visor—had no experience learning to control his expressions around others. I tugged my hands free with a sigh. A devastated look crossed his face as he released me.
Picking my drink back up, I took a sip, finally answering, “Yours. Your crew. Missions with the Aldawi. All of it. Whatever is relevant to learning more about you, Kaede. You’re a mystery to me. I’m sure that’s useful in your work for the Aldawi Empire, and possibly just a part of who you are. But if we’re to stand a chance at being friends, I need to know, to understand—totrust—the male who’s going to be protecting my family.”
He watched me another moment as I took a sip of my tea, his eyes following my tongue as I licked my lips.
“Are you sure you want to know? You can’t unknow, Selena.”
“Yes. I need to know who you are Kaede. And would you rather me accidentally find out about this dark side of yours from others? Or would you rather tell me yourself?”
He nodded. “No. You’re right. I’d rather tell you myself. I just hope you don’t fear me once I do.”
Lowering my cup, I rolled my eyes. “Your horns, eyes, fangs—those didn’t scare me off. Your scars simply show the strength it took for you to survive.” I paused to take another sip of my drink. “How about a promise that I’ll hear you out? And honestly, you can’t be as bad as the Yaarkin customers—or the Yaarkins themselves.”
After a few moments of continued silence, I sighed.
Setting my drink down, I leaned back against the armrest and kicked my shoes off. I placed my feet on his black armor-clad legs and wiggled my toes.
“If you’re just going to sit there, you can be useful and rub my feet. And hey, plus? You’ll have my feet, I can’t run away.” I groaned. “Stars, I can’t wait to get my body back. It’s like this pregnancy has taken over. Between my back hurting, random gut punches from the cubs, my breasts being sensitive and achy, and my feet swollen and stiff I feel ancient.” I grinned at him. “And maybe... if you’re good enough, you can do this while I study.”
Kaede grunted, a look of shock crossing his face as his mouth fell open in surprise, exposing his thin black-forked tongue. His tongue flickered a few times before tracing his thin black lips. He looked down, then picked up my left foot in his gloved hands and started to massage.
I groaned loudly. Oh Stars. He was better at this than even Odelm or Xylo. Not that I’d ever tell any of them that.
Kaede cleared his throat then started, hoarsely, “Between my crew and I, we’ve killed over a million, though I doubt I’llever know the exact number. Personally? I account for 257,391 of those kills. That number is etched in my brain—though there have been so many, the faces have become a blur.”
I swallowed hard. I’d never considered the number could be so impossibly high. I wondered how he could live with it.
He stared down at his hands as they massaged my feet with a sad smile. “My crew and I are unique. We were designed to take over computer systems, control hundreds of drones—to control all technology—as well as with natural abilities to enable us to win in most hand-to-hand combat. There are only six of us. They’re all my half-sisters. We share the same mother, but each sire was chosen to provide a different set of genetic abilities. So, we’re all family, but not alike.”
