Dragging my fingers up and down, until red marks form a trail as I do it. The blood vessels break, and little beads of blood bubble under the skin. When my skin starts to separate, I stop myself. The scratches aren’t deep and only take off the top layer of skin.
Getting up, panic settles in my chest again, and I stomp towards the door. I can just reach it if I lean forward and start begging again as my fists pummel the steel.
“Please! I’m sorry! I can’t be alone anymore. Please. Come hurt me!” I scream as my ragged breath slices from my lungs.
Of course, I don’t want him to hurt or fuck me, but at this point I’ll take any form ofinteraction. A sob breaks from me as I collapse to my knees, wrapping my arms around myself.
I don’t even notice the cold anymore. Sometimes it’s comfortable, other times my teeth chatter because it’s freezing .
I let myself breakdown for a moment before getting up and pacing again. My numbers pour from my lips on autopilot. It’s as easy as breathing.
My bucket is full, and I’ve been dreading this moment since my last piss. I can’t hold it anymore, and my stomach cramps with the pain of holding it for so long. I finished my sandwich earlier.
Or was it yesterday?
This morning?
I shake my head and focus on my problem now. My body is disgusting, and the grime coating my skin makes me itch.
My little bird bath with the cloth after he fucked my ass barely cleaned anything. I can’t waste my water, no matter how much I want touse some to clean. My hair is greasy, tangled and matted.
Dirt covers my hands and feet; those two parts touch the dirt more than any other parts of me. I can smell my pussy, and it fucking stinks. My nose curls in disgust every time I get a whiff.
A cramp racks me again, and I know I have no choice. I walk as far as I can from my cot, dropping to my knees. I use my hands to dig. Tears drip from my swollen eyes as I try to prepare myself for what I’m about to do.
When I think the hole is deep enough, I stand over it, squatting down so my ass hovers above the opening.
I can’t even turn my back on the camera as there’s one on either side. No matter what he’s gonna see me, it’s humiliating. I make a pained noise as my body lets go and I shit in my hole.
I’m disgusted with myself, my dignity shredding at the seams. My eyes are blurry with the amount of tears that pool from them. When I’m done, I cover my shit like I’m a fucking cat.
Walking to my cot, I grab my water. I have half of an apple left and one water after I finish this one. It’s a little over half full. Picking up theapple that has begun to turn brown, I eat the last of my food.
At least with no food, I won’t have to dig another hole.
3,874 Mississippi.
3,875 Mississippi.
3,876 Mississippi.
I’m going to die.
Maybe I am dead.
Death is good.
Peaceful.
Why am I in Hell?
What did I do?
Will I see my dog there?
Wait, not dog…
Cat!
