I swallowed past the lump in my throat and nodded. Sean deftly buttoned my cuffs, then took both my hands in his. He raised them to his lips and kissed each of my knuckles before turning them over to kiss my palms.
“These hands are a miracle. They translate what’s in that beautiful mind of yours to the keyboard, and it’s just breathtaking. I am in awe of you.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me gently. “This is your night. Show them what they’ve been missing.”
I tucked my face into his neck and wrapped my arms around his waist. God, this man. He was warm and solid and steady. I felt so safe in his arms.
“Thank you,” I whispered. He held me tightly, and the stress drained out of me. “Can I just stay here for the rest of the night?”
Sean chuckled and kissed the top of my head. “Evan and the rest of them are waiting for you. Ellie has the cameras all set, but she wants to do a final sound and lighting check.”
I straightened and kissed him one more time. “Right. Okay. Time to go.” I headed for the closet to get my black tuxedo jacket, but Sean beat me to it. He held it up and helped me into it, then turned me around to ensure the lapels were straight as I buttoned the jacket. I wanted a more casual look for this event, so I’d decided to go with tuxedo shirts with a mandarin-style collar and no tie. Evan and I had everything we needed, but Isaiah hadn’t brought his tux from California, and Greg didn’t own one. Luckily, there was a tuxedo place nearby.
I checked my watch. Just after six. We had a little less than an hour before people would be allowed into the dining room. Ellie Ross, the event coordinator and publicist, had the fantastic idea to live stream the fundraiser on YouTube and Facebook. She filmed a two-minute short of me playing as a teaser for my YouTube channel and the Family Promise Facebook page. Tonight would be a full production with stage lighting and a sound mixer. It would get a lot of airtime even after this evening.
Sean set up a staging area near the piano using beautiful Victorian room dividers to give us some privacy. Evan, Greg, and Isaiah were already there waiting for me. As soon as she saw me, Ellie came bustling over with her tablet. “Jeremy, finally. You’re the last one. I just need you to speak into the mic to test the sound. The lighting and sound are good for the instruments and other performers.” Thankfully, the check was quick and relatively painless because it was such a small venue. After that, it was just a waiting game for the four of us. Greg was understandably nervous because he was opening the program, so Evan, Isaiah, and I took turns regaling him with amusing stories from our past performances until we got the stink-eye from Ellie that said we were making too much noise.
I heard Sean’s voice, and then the man himself poked his head around the set of screens. “We’re about to open the doors.” He came over and gave me a quick kiss. “Text me if you need anything.” He smiled at our small group and said, “Break a leg, gentlemen.”
A few moments later, I heard the murmur of voices as the dining room began to fill with our invited guests. In all, thirty-seven people from my list had replied in the affirmative, and another twenty-eight in attendance were major donors for Family Promise and friends and family of the performers. I also insisted that Caitlin, Chris, and Maya have front table seats along with Sean’s mother. Sean told me they would be seated with the Family Promise executive director and a few board members.
Joanna decided that high-quality finger foods would be the best option, so there wasn’t a lengthy meal time to deal with. Instead, servers would continue going from table to table, replenishing the various platters. The bar was open, and Sean had two bartenders serving. The four of us behind the screens had our own stash of food and drinks to keep us going while we waited.
I heard Ellie thank everyone for coming and then introduce the executive director to tell everyone about the organization. Knowing Ellie as I did, the program would run like clockwork, so Greg had about fifteen minutes before he went on. He and Isaiah were chatting, no doubt coordinating their pieces. Evan and I had designed the program so each performance ran seamlessly into the next. I lost myself in the low murmur of conversation as I went over my pieces in my head.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ellie come into our little sanctuary. At the same time, I heard Caitlin telling the audience how much the organization had helped her family. That meant Greg was up next. I could see the panic in his eyes. I went over to him and squeezed his shoulder. “You’ve got this. You know what you’re doing.”
Greg swallowed hard and nodded. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, and his shoulder relaxed under my hand. The audience applauded, signaling the end of Caitlin’s speech. Ellie gave Greg a thumbs-up and went to the mic to introduce the musical part of the program.
“All right, here goes,” Greg muttered and walked into the room.
The was polite applause when Greg entered, and a few moments later, I heard the delicate notes of Debussy’sClaire de Lune. I saw Isaiah rise, violin in hand, already preparing for his entrance at the end of Greg’s piece. They would play a duet of Pachelbel’sCanon in D major,and then Isaiah would move into his solo performance. That left the trio with Evan and then Evan’s solo before it was my time to go on to play a duet with Evan. I ran through the length of each piece in my head again. I had about thirty minutes.
The first frisson of fear crawled up my spine, leaving me light-headed. I took a slow breath in, held it, and let it out even slower. It didn’t help.No!I could not have a panic attack now. I grabbed one of the water bottles they’d set out for us and drank half of it. I looked at the snack tray, but my stomach rebelled at the thought of food. I sat and tried to do one of the many grounding exercises my therapist taught me. I stared at the wooden Victorian screen surrounding our space and picked out each detail I could name.
The sound of applause startled me when it shouldn’t have. Evan spoke briefly to Isaiah before squeezing his shoulder and stepping back so the other man could make his entrance. That left me twenty-four minutes to pull myself together. Evan came over to me. “Hey, are you okay?”
I nodded, doing my best to hide my anxiety. He didn’t need to worry about me when he had to go on soon. “Yeah, I’m good. A little nervous, that’s all.” The strains of Pachelbel’sCanon in Dfilled the room. “They sound good together,” I said.
Evan’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t look okay. You look paler than usual.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks.”
He hummed thoughtfully and looked like he was about to say something more, but Ellie called him over, no doubt to talk about his entrance. I took in a shuddering breath. I could do this. I had to. But the more I thought about it, the tenser I got. There was a tingling in my fingertips that did not bode well. I curled my hands into fists to hide their shaking. I glanced over at Evan, who was deep in conversation with Ellie.
There was applause again as Isaiah and Greg’s duet ended. Nineteen minutes. My chest tightened. God, no, this couldn’t be happening. I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing. A flash of memory came to me—my hands shaking on the piano keys, sweat dripping down my face, blackness curling into the edges of my vision. I heard myself gasp as if from a distance.
Warm hands gripped mine. Sean’s voice spoke soft and low. “Jeremy, come back.” I opened my eyes, and there he was, his beautiful green eyes clouded with worry. When he saw me looking at him, he smiled. “There you are.” His hands cupped my face, his thumbs brushing away tears I hadn’t known I’d shed.
Sean was kneeling in front of me, hands still cupping my face. Evan stood behind him. My best friend looked stricken. In the background, I heard Isaiah playing his Bach violin solo. I turned my head to kiss Sean’s palm, looked up at Evan, and said, “It’s okay, Ev. I’m okay.”
“We can stop it,” Evan said. “You don’t have to do this.”
I thought about all the work I’d put into this concert and what was riding on it. I shook my head. “No. I’m not going to stop. We’re going to do this. I just need a little time to get myself settled.”
Evan looked like he wanted to argue, but he must have seen something in my expression to make him change his mind. He nodded. “What about that butterfly thing your therapist taught you?”
And, of course, I hadn’t thought of that in my panic. Sean’s brow creased in a puzzled frown. “Butterfly thing?” he whispered.
I kissed the furrows on his forehead. “I’ll show you in a minute.” I looked up at Evan and saw him glancing toward the performance area. Isaiah was coming to the end of his piece, and Evan was supposed to go on next for their trio. “Ev,” I said quietly, “I’m going to be fine. Sean is here. Go on out there and work your magic. They need you.”
