“Why?”
“Because I still don’t get why you didn’t tell me you were coming back. You didn’t so much as text me apart from one liners that told me nothing, from September last year. I don’t get why. Did I do something?” And the words tumbled out.
He sighed, looking up to the starless sky. “You didn’t do anything. I – I got involved helping out a friend and I ended up committing to something I can’t get out of. I didn’t want to talk to you about it.”
“That kind of hurts.”
“Yeah, I know.” He was looking at me now. “If I’d spoken to you about it, I’d have pulled out of doing the favour and I didn’t want to let them down.” He rubbed his head with his hand, messing up his hair even more. “It would’ve messed up a lot for her if I had.”
“Okay.” I stood facing him, annoyed, curious, hurt. “Sounds like you’ve messed things up for yourself then.” I breathed, debating my choices right now. I could sulk, be annoyed and try to make him feel bad, or I could be an adult and trust his decision making. Carter had never once deliberately upset me. I could trust him, of that I was sure, but that didn’t mean he’d never make a choice that would inadvertently upset me.
“Yeah. I have. I didn’t realise how much, but I just need to suck this up and it’ll be okay in a few months.” His smile was forced. “I missed talking to you.”
“I missed talking to you. But I’m glad you’re here now.” I reached a hand out to rest on his shoulder, then stepped into his arms for a hug that was warm and tight and strong. I linked my other arm around the back of his neck, my heels not enough to lessen the height difference between us.
He bent his head and his lips brushed my neck, my stomach fluttering, the feeling spreading south. I focused on breathing rather than thinking, because thinking wasn’t going to produce any form of sensible words right now and I could just blurt anything out.
Like I had in September.
“You’re nice and warm.” When in doubt, state the obvious.
Carter laughed, the rumble vibrating through me. “I have my uses. I have really, really missed you, Rosie.”
“Good. I’d be sad if you hadn’t. And it was your fault. I was worried it was because of what I said the last time we spoke.” I kept my head rested against his chest so I didn’t have to look at him. This was what had been hanging over me.
“That this was the first time we’d both been single since you were twenty and you wondered whether that would mean things would be different the next time we saw each other. I remember what you said.” He spoke quietly, his words exactly what I’d said.
I pulled my head back, needing to see his expression so I could have a chance of working out what he was thinking. Our eyes lined up, our lips just inches apart, arms still around each other. This wasn’t what friendship looked like, even with really good friends.
This wasn’t what friendship looked like. Or felt like.
Carter’s lips grazed mine softly, as if it was a test, making me wonder whether I’d imagined it. I hadn’t, I knew that when it happened again, this time less gentle, more real. My hands clutched his shirt as the kiss carried on, still tender, still teasing.
This was the third time we’d kissed, and I wondered if we’d ever talk about this one. We’d never mentioned that afternoon on Clapham Common, only the time when I’d kissed him as a dare.
This wasn’t like either of those times.
I was kissing Carter and it didn’t feel wrong or weird or like it was the biggest mistake I’d ever made. It felt like something had clicked; I wasn’t worried or doubting myself seven ways to sundown, I felt good.
More than good. Wishing we weren’t in public good.
But we were, so I pulled away, really not needing Harriet or Erin, or especially Fallon to see what had just happened.
Carter pressed his lips together, his face still close to mine. He was looking concerned, his gaze evaluating me as if I was an unpredictable storm
“That probably shouldn’t have happened.” He closed his eyes. “I’m glad it happened, I’ve been thinking about what you said the last time we spoke on the phone and whether things would be different and I wish they could be.”
“I don’t know what that means.” I gripped his shirt harder.
“I know, and that’ll be driving you mad.”
“Are you single?” I’d never known Carter to mess a girl or a woman about. He’d never cheated as far as I knew.
“Yes, but I’m not available and I need to explain, I know, but things are complicated for a few months.” He let go of me and stepped back, my hands peeling away from his shirt.
“So why did you kiss me?”
“Because I wanted to see how it felt.” He looked away from me, his expression tortured.
