“Really? Which one?” I was avoiding thinking about Carter far more than I was Harriet moving.
“I’ll go and get it. Will you take the tea strainer out and pour?”
I occupied myself with trying to pour delicately while she dashed off, returning just as I tipped a few drops of milk into each mug.
“Here.”
She passed me the photo.
It was one I’d printed out after it was taken on my phone --a selfie of the two of us, but Carter had actually taken it. I remembered when it’d been taken, a Sunday afternoon on Clapham Common when I was seventeen and he was back from university for the summer. We’d spent most of our time together, hanging out, pretending we were tourists in London, and he’d spent a couple of weekends with me at my grandparents in Oxfordshire. That afternoon we’d taken a picnic and sunbathed, messed about on the outdoor gym on the Common, and then I’d sat between his legs and lounged with my back against his chest.
That was when I now knew I’d fallen in love with Carter Collins.
In the photo I was looking up at him, and he was gazing down at me. We’d been trying to take a decent photo with a man on stilts behind us, but he’d pressed the button by accident, leaving me a memory in full colour.
His hand had dropped and after that, we’d kissed. The second and last time we’d kissed.
“I think it got mixed up in my room by accident. It was behind the chest of drawers.”
Harriet broke my time travel.
“I think I put it there when I moved in here.” It wasn’t a photo I needed to gaze at because I remembered, when I allowed myself, exactly what those few minutes had been like.
“Probably. Rose, was Carter only ever a friend?” She sat down at the table, taking her tea, her mug the one filled with Shakespeare quotes, because why would it not be.
“Yes.” The truth, as it were.
“Do you still want him to just be a friend?”
I didn’t answer straight away, not this time. I took my mug – a Hamilton one – and sat down opposite Harriet.
“I don’t know. It’s weird him being back and I wish he had told me so I could’ve started to imagine what it would be like having him live nearby again. It’s been years since we’ve been part of each other's lives and I didn’t know how it was going to feel.”
“How does it feel?”
The clocked ticked in the background, a clock that instead of numbers had the letters F U C K I N G L A T E #. It was, of course, a present from Eliza, who always was fucking late.
“Who’s the psychologist here?”
Harriet laughed. “I’ve learned a lot from you and all the times you’ve listened to me talk about Declan.”
There had been a lot of those times. Declan had led Harriet a dance across years, working closely together at the British Library. We’d teased her that he didn’t know she existed, but I knew that he did know, knew about her crush and was toying with her. He was a particularly horrible human, and I’d never understood what she saw in him apart from the fact he was movie-star gorgeous.
“How does it feel to have Carter living in the same city again, and working in the same hospital?” She pushed, not letting me take a route of distraction.
“So, so odd. He’s the same as he ever was, and he’s not, although I know that makes no sense. He’s older, and I feel like something’s hanging over him.” He hadn’t seemed as carefree, not that he ever really was, but he could be. Carter could always compartmentalise, which was why I always knew he’d make such a good surgeon, as well as a million other reasons.
“I saw him the other evening.” She told me about going round to his. “He mentioned a friend staying with him while she sets up a bookshop near Leicester Square.”
“She?” Everything tensed.
“He’s not mentioned it to you?”
“No, but I’ve been avoiding him.” True. “What else did he say?”
“Not much. The friend’s called Laurie and she set up Silversmith’s – they’re a specialist bookseller for limited signed first editions, and other special editions.” Her eyes started to get that hazy look which indicated she’d shifted to another realm. “I said I’d see if I could introduce her to some of the people I know she might be able to partner with. Stratford’s a really good place for a bookshop too, and - ” She caught my eye. “But Carter’s coming to Erin’s birthday on Friday.”
“Good. There will be some of the others there that he won’t have seen for a while.” I kept it neutral. I suppose I’d been hoping he wouldn’t be there, and I could avoid him for a while longer.
