“Maybe just hang out in the hotel room?” Rain was the order of the day’s weather and I’d spent enough time in London to not want to do any sightseeing. Tomorrow I had a meeting at my old house with a packing and removal company to finalise their instructions. In a couple of weeks, I’d be officially homeless as my house was being bought by someone who didn’t need a mortgage, so it was going through quickly.
I needed to decide where I wanted to base myself for the time being and make a commitment.
“Fine with me. I have things to read.” He patted the bag, the contents of which were several graphic novels.
“Cool. I might grab a bath.” I wanted to invite him to join me, but fear stopped me. Had I missed so many signs over the years that something which was completely obvious to someone who’d only known Caleb a few months could see what I’d been oblivious to? I had so many questions, but how did I know Carrie was right?
“You okay? You’re quiet. I thought it went okay with Josh.” He sat down on the sofa where he’d slept the night before. “You seemed enthusiastic like I haven’t seen you in ages.”
“Yeah, I’m excited. I think I need to rent somewhere in Puffin Bay and he can come over rather than me going over to his place in the States. Somewhere I can set up a recording studio.” I tried to divert my thoughts to practical things.
“Something permanent if you’re going to invest in that.” He undid his laces, a movement I became enchanted with.
The practicalities. Being with someone who would come home and take their shoes off, share the same space and make decisions together, rather than it being me and paid advisors. I thought about Caleb’s dad, Roman, and Amelie, how they bickered and teased, working together as a chosen partnership for the simple reason that they wanted to be together.
I looked at Caleb again. He was studying me, so clearly I was acting strange.
“What do you want in the future? Do you want someone to be with you in a relationship?” I swallowed, half bracing myself for his response.
He squinted at me. “Your brain’s working overtime.” A pause.
I didn’t fill it.
“I would, I suppose. I think part of the reason I haven’t moved out yet is because living over a pub means you always have people around, and I don’t want to be on my own.”
“If you lived on your own, you’d have company. I’ve never known you to go long between female company.” Which was true.
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t want it to be like that forever. I know relationships aren’t easy – my mum’s had enough bad relationships over the years – but I see Gully with Iris, and Finn and Ruby, and Roe and Freya, and I watch how they’re building a life together, even though it isn’t always easy. I don’t see myself being on my own forever, Zo.” He put his feet up on the table, his feet now bare.
“Who do you see yourself being with? What sort of person?” My heart had definitely sped up. I felt like I was in the middle of a particularly energetic dance routine.
Caleb laughed softly. “Someone who’ll tease me like Amelie does my dad, who won’t get mad at how untidy I can be and get even instead. Someone who has their own passion so they understand why I have mine, and doesn’t mind me spending time out at sea, or wants to come with me. Someone who knows me and won’t break my heart.”
Me, I wanted to say. Me. I can be all that. I already am all that.
“Do you think you know her already?”
He stood up suddenly, walking over to the window to take in the view over the city, or stare into space, I couldn’t tell.
“Go and get your bath, Zoey. Then let’s go for a drink somewhere.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. He obviously didn’t want to give anything away. “I’ll be an hour or so.”
I ran the bath, adding some bubbles that had been supplied by the hotel. It was a luxury suite on the top floor; a bedroom with a huge bath looking out through a window with privacy glass, and a large lounge area, as well as a small but swanky kitchenette, the sort of place you might dream of escaping for a night, no matter where, because this was an experience in itself. I’d stayed in many rooms like this, champagne included, and a personal waiter sometimes. At first, it had been a novelty, then that wore off and I knew I was taking it for granted. How could you enjoy things if you took them for granted? One of the many reasons I wanted to step away from the lifestyle and go back to what gave me joy.
Song writing.
Puffin Bay.
Watching the clouds over the sea.
Caleb.
Reverse the order and it was probably more accurate.
I stripped off and tied my hair up, using a cotton pad and lotion to take off my make-up while the bath filled up, debating opening that champagne now. Wrapping a robe around myself, I decided there was no time like now, on what was a kind of mini-holiday, at least for tonight.
Caleb turned around from the window when I came into the lounge, his eyes widening, not saying anything just staring at the robe, which was thin white cotton. I hadn’t thought about what I had on, and this wasn’t the nightdress again where I was trying to tease him into making a move.
