“Do what?”
“Pretend to be in a relationship without actually ending up in one.”
His words smarted. I’d known Caleb wasn’t interested in me as anything other than a friend; there’d been numerous opportunities over the years for something more and he’d never taken advantage of them. I’d sometimes fantasized about what it would’ve been like to have him to come home to at the end of a tour and then realised why it wouldn’t work.
I’d miss him too much. I’d want to be on tour less than I already did. Maybe he thought the same, or maybe he’d never thought about us being together in the first place because I wasn’t the type of woman he wanted to settle down with – although I wasn’t sure what his type was, given his longest relationship was about three months and even then, he’d only talked about her once.
I pulled my hand out of his. “There’s hardly anyone around to take a photo and post it online, so if you’re not sure you can pretend to be my boyfriend without jumping my bones we can stick with posting the odd staged selfie or not bother at all.” The hurt was audible.
Caleb stopped walking and turned to face the sea. I was a couple of steps ahead before I paused.
“We’ve managed not to be a relationship for all these years, how much difference is this going to make?” When I was upset, I couldn’t stop talking. It came from having a mother who was a master at the silent treatment, and I’d try to fill those awkward silences with words, giving away too much and often agreeing to things just so she’d give me a response.
“We’ve never pretended to be in a relationship before. We’ve always just been friends. Even when we slept together.” He looked at the sand. “I felt shit after that.”
I closed the distance between us, because even though the nearest person to us on the beach was at least a hundred metres away, absorbed in metal detecting, this wasn’t even a conversation for the seagulls.
“You never said.”
He shook his head. “There was no reason to. You were fine with it all and happy, I just wished it could’ve been better.”
“The sex was great, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
His grin was his usual thousand watt beamer. “No, I know that was good. It was more around sleeping together when we weren’t in a relationship. I wish it’d been the proper boyfriend experience.”
“Caleb, have you ever been a proper boyfriend for anyone?” I put my hand on his shoulder. “Seriously? What’s the longest relationship you’ve had?”
“A few months and I’m a good boyfriend. It’s not usually me who ends it.” His arms went around me and that was the problem. It’d always been too easy to touch each other, too easy to kiss that one time we did it.
“Why do they end it?”
“Because they don’t think they have a future with me. I’m too casual for long term.” He squeezed me tighter to him. “We’re going to have to kiss in public or get a photo for your socials. You’re going to have to look at me like I’m the best thing that’s happened to you.”
“You’ll have to do the same.”
“That’s not hard, Zo.”
It was that sentence that would keep me awake that night.
October, Twelve Years Ago
I was nervous. What I was nervous about I wasn’t sure exactly because so many thoughts were zooming around my head, I couldn’t make sense of any of them and work out what the actual problem was apart from the obvious that I was going to lose my virginity at long last. How would I feel afterwards? Would I be disappointed? I lived in a world where sex sold and everything was based on attractiveness and attraction so the actual act was built up in my head as something mythically perfect. Would I disappoint Caleb? Would I be so terrible that he was too embarrassed to still be my friend and put up with all my oddities and the strangeness of my life?
It was the last one that made my stomach bounce off the floor below.
I followed Caleb to his dad’s house, toeing off my shoes in the hallway which reminded Caleb to do the same. Neither of us said anything, the thick atmosphere saying everything.
“How do we do this? I don’t mean the actual, you know, but how we get there? Or should we just go up to bed?” More word vomit. I needed to work on that.
Caleb took his coat off and hung it up, then turned to look at me. His smile was soft, emotion not well hidden behind it.
“Let’s get a drink, sit on the sofa and watch a film and see what happens from there.” He helped me off with my coat, his hands tender and slow.
A shiver trickled over my skin. I felt warmer between my legs and some of the nerves were replaced by sweet anticipation.
“What film?” I wondered if he’d suggest a James Bond or an action film.
“I’ve never seen Dirty Dancing. Why don’t we watch that?” He took hold of my hand and led me into the house. “Get changed into something comfier and let’s just see how it goes.”
