I went into school as usual on Tuesday, not expecting the round of applause from my staff team. An impromptu briefing followed so they had the facts of what happened rather than the fairy stories that were doing the rounds. We also talked about safeguarding, and the issues with the perimeter, and also a quick discussion about what we could do if we had parents who were behaving aggressively.
I did my usual rounds of the school in the morning, seeing the kids and making sure they saw me and saw that I was okay. My amazing deputy had already organised for two psychotherapists to attend site to work with staff and parents because even if someone hadn’t seen what’d happened, just knowing that situation had occurred in what should’ve been a safe space was traumatic for everyone and we needed to put in the work to make it be and feel safe again.
I knew I was running on empty. Adrenaline kept me functioning through until lunchtime, the whole morning spent avoiding being in my office, then my deputy appeared with coffee and a fat ham salad sandwich.
“Time you went home.” She gave me the look she usually used on year sixes who thought they were kings of the world. “You did the right thing coming in, but do the right thing now and eff off home or to the Puffin Inn or hang out with the Hollands. I’m here, I’ll phone you if I need you and I have a meeting with the site manager and our contractor at three to get fencing up.”
“You’re sure you're good if I clear off now?” I knew she was right and I wasn’t certain I could get home without falling asleep.
“Perfectly. The police are here for the rest of the week. Sergeant McHugh’s playing football on the yard with upper key stage two as I speak. I think this is the best job of his life.” She rolled her eyes. “You know I taught him here, don’t you?”
“I didn’t. Was he your favourite?” She didn’t do favourites. Glynis was old enough to have taught me.
She made a noise that sounded like she was spitting out a pip. “He was a pain in my derriere back then. I don’t think much has changed. Go home, Cas. See you at some point tomorrow, but I think you need to take it easy this week.”
“The girls will be back in tomorrow.”
Romy wanted them back in a routine and Mia was seeing her therapist at the school in the morning too. Heidi was also going to see her. She’d been the one awake the most during the night, asking a lot of what if questions.
“Bring them in, collect them at the end of the day – at least go for lunch with Romy.” She eyed me again. “You know I also taught Joel McAllister. I had the pleasure of him in my class when he was seven and again when he was ten.”
“What was he like?”
“Completely different from you in many ways. But you’re both very similar in others. Romy must have a type.”
“I’m not sure I’d say that to her. And I’m not a replacement for Joel.” Nor did I want to be. I just wanted to be me and hoped she wanted that too.
Glynis shook her head. “I don’t think you’re a replacement. Romy’s done very well on her own and would continue to do so, if she chose. Which says a lot about what you and Joel like in a woman.” There was a smile, a knowing one. “Go home. Find out where she is and spend some time with her, and with Mia.The two of you were in that room together and you’ll have that experience forever tying you. Worth thinking about that too.” She gave a sigh. “I’m also suggesting I move your office. I can swap it with Amanda’s.” Amanda was the school bursar. “She’d prefer it and it’s best to keep her away from children, given she’s never met one she couldn’t eat.”
That did seem like a good suggestion. “Please. I’m not sure I can sit in there without flashbacks at the moment.”
“Consider it done for Thursday. The kids can find you easier in the new office too.”
I headed back to Beryl’s, needing a nap and not sure where Romy was up to with appointments. Tonight was training for the football team, and I was definitely going to that, needing to get the initial questions out of the way about what happened, and then I could move forward. Sleep, an afternoon snack, and an hour in the sunshine with a book seemed like a good plan, and at some point Romy and the girls would be back.
I didn’t nap soundly. My dreams were full of alternate scenarios where Cara escaped with Mia, or stabbed one of us, always waking me up just before the blade went in. I knew it was my brain processing the trauma, I knew everything was safe, we were both okay, but the fourth time when I woke, agitated and upset, I gave up, made a brew and went outside in the garden.
We were having an early summer, so there was every chance the actual summer holidays would be a wash out, which meant it was a good time to make the most of the sunshine.
I was only out there five minutes when I heard Heidi’s voice yelling something about lemonade, which meant they were back. Twenty seconds later and my head was over the fence.
“Everything okay?”
Romy smiled at me, nodding. Everything was fine. Mia was amazing with the detective and told her exactly what happened. We’re all very proud of her.
Mia shot me a grin, looking a lot happier than she had for weeks. “My mummy’s being looked after by doctors because she isn’t well and I’ve decided I’m going to be a detective when I grow up.”
“Why do you want to be a detective?”
“Because I want to lock the bad people up and keep people safe.” There was an air of serenity about her that was almost disconcerting. I knew from her class team that she was as stubborn as they came, but quietly so, so she often got away with doing what she wanted. That wasn’t a bad thing, as long as she used her talents for good.
“It’s long hours and you have to work at night sometimes.”
“I don’t mind.” She walked closer to the fence. “Are you okay, Mr Caddick?”
“I’m tired. I tried to have a nap but I kept having bad dreams.” No point lying.
Mia nodded. “I think I might have bad dreams and that’s okay. It’s your brain’s way of sorting things out. Drawing pictures helps me.” She wandered off to the craft table outside that was currently a permanent fixture.
