His cock was starting to soften inside me.
“Definitely. Are we still going out for dinner?” I was definitely hungry now.
“We are. Ready?”
I nodded. I was ready. For more than food.
I was ready for a future. I just hoped the world was going to give me one.
EIGHTEEN
Cassian
This was too soon.
Too quick.
I wasn’t divorced yet.
My soon to be ex wife was living with my ex-best friend.Romy had a daughter. Two daughters, really.
So why were there no red flags, no alarms going off in my head?
We were in Beaumaris, a taxi journey there so we could both have a drink, both – or at least I was – high on the sex we’d just had. High on the sex we were going to have more of, I didn’t question that for a second. We clicked together, that was also unquestionable.
I was thirty-seven, not a kid anymore but I still had years in front of me. I wasn’t in any rush to make a home and start a family with someone else after everything with Bryony, which now felt like a dull memory, a blurring of things that weren’t very nice, but I got over.
But I really liked Romy. I liked holding her hand while we walked down the promenade at Beaumaris, the wind blowing her hair all over, and her smile as she was completely unbothered by it, not caring that it wasn’t perfect. Bryony had liked to be pristine at all times, which hadn’t bothered me, I just knew she would also make me fifteen minutes late so I always gave her a time half an hour early. It’d worked until it didn’t.
It wasn’t Bryony I was thinking of now, other than wondering if I’d ever felt this way about her when we first started dating. I felt like every lucky star had congregated together and hung over me when she held my hand and laughed at a stupid joke, and I knew I couldn’t stop glancing at her.
I didn’t understand why I hadn’t just said yes a week or so ago, because I’d wanted to.
Maybe it was fear.
“Did Joel spend a lot of time out on the boats?” We were standing at the end of Beaumaris pier, looking out across the Menai Strait. It was a calm night, apart from the usual coastal breeze, and the view across the water was clear.
She looked at me, bemused. “He did. He grew up here and I think he spent his summers dicking around on boats and in the water. He knew the tide here and weather system. I’ll make sure Heidi knows about the same things, although I’m not sure how interested she’ll be.”
“Did you go out on the boats with him?”
She nodded. “I still go out with Thane and Fleur when I’ve time. What happened to Joel hasn’t scarred me in that regard. It was a freak accident and a risk you take when you go out here in stormy weather.” She turned around, looking at me rather than the sea. “I had three years of never wanting to go through that pain again. Some days I wished I’ve never met him then I wouldn’t have had to go through that heartbreak.”
“You’d put yourself through being in love again though? Even though it can hurt?” The words felt raw as I said them.
She smiled, looking back out to sea. “I would. It was worth it – it has been worth it. Plus I can’t change it so I have to keep working on accepting it. We lost a baby before I got pregnant with Heidi. It would’ve been a boy and I think I cried so much Joel walked out for an hour; he had no idea how to help me. For months after I was totally against getting pregnant because the miscarriage had been so awful – grieving for someone that didn’t have a name, although I did give him one.”
“What was it?” I stroked her hair out of her face, my other hand on her waist.
“Oliver.” Her smile was tearless. “That was how I thought of him. Joel couldn’t understand it. I think he found it easier to deal with if he didn’t think what could’ve been and that was okay. We both grieved differently. It took me a year. I woke up one morning and something felt like it’d been lifted and that it was time to try again, and we got Heidi, and she was perfect. She’s not always perfect now – I found a huge stash of chocolate in her room before that she’s been secretly pilfering out of my drawer, just a little bit at a time. I thought I was eating a lot of it.” She shook her head. “I left the chocolate there, just stole some back.” A smile, one that beamed. “Heidi shows you have to go again and risk being vulnerable. We might get hurt, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be okay in the end in some very strange way.”
I moved behind her as she turned to the sea, slipping my arms around her, her back leaning against my chest.
I kissed the side of her neck, resting my chin lightly on her shoulder. “I’m glad I moved to Puffin Bay when I did.”
“You haven’t done a winter there yet. It’s wild.” She turned her head for a kiss.
“I don’t think the weather’s going to put me off.”
