Ithought it would take me hours to get to sleep, the memory of that one kiss seared on my skin, the parts of me where Cas had his hands still cindering. It was the first kiss I’d had that wasn’t from a friend or a relative since Joel had died, and while there had been an initial wave of guilt, it had gone quickly.
I lived. So did Heidi. Me taking a vow of chastity wasn’t necessary to prove how much I’d loved Joel because life wasn’t a competition, and I really liked Cassian.
I slept easily, safe in the knowledge that my house was secure and checked recently, happy that the girls were having a slumber party with Grannie, which Mia was calling her now too. They’d watched two Disney films, made tents in the lounge and stayed up later than normal telling ghost stories. Joel’s mum had messaged me to say that everyone felt safe and cosy, and tomorrow she was going to take them to Newborough beach to see the wild horses with a friend of hers who was an ex-police officer. I’d suspected something was going on with her and thisfriend that was more than just friendship for some time, and at some point soon I’d ask.
Cassian knocked on at nine, although I’d half expected that he’d make an excuse to get out of it, embarrassed about yesterday evening and that kiss. My head was spinning from the change in him, to the extent where I’d dropped Liv a text message to see what she thought.
I read it straightaway. He’s into you. Go with the flow. Get yourself some cock xx
I really hoped Heidi never found out the passcode for my phone and read any messages from Liv.
He wasn’t embarrassed at all, definitely not embarrassed enough to leave off giving me a good look up and down and a smirk that told me he liked what he saw.
I returned the favour, not quite as obviously, and definitely with more colour to my cheeks than normal.
Until we started running that was.
We ran along the coastal path for a mile, until the tide was out far enough for us to drop down steep steps onto the vast beach that was being exposed at the spot known locally as Lovers Heights. Since leaving my house, we’d only spoken a few words, setting a pace that was quick, probably quicker than what I was used to. Running on the sand naturally slowed us down to a jog which my muscles were definitely going to thank me for later.
“What did you say this was called?” Cas looked around us, up at the rocky cliffs that were a sheer drop down to the sand at one point.
“Lovers Heights. The story goes that a couple fell from them when they were trying to run away from the island and escape to Gretna Green where they could be married. The woman was promised to one of the landowners on the island, but she was in love with her childhood sweetheart, who was a fisherman. They were apparently heading for the steps that we just came down,but never made them. One story is that they fell from the cliffs, another is that the landowner pushed them off.” I slowed down completely, the story sapping the last of my breath.
“Is there any truth to it?” Cas looked entertained. “Are their deaths actually recorded?”
“There are two graves next to each other in the churchyard just outside Puffin Bay – Gwendoline Jones and Tomas Evans – with the same date of death. They were just nineteen and twenty-one, so it could be them. The church records from the seventeen hundreds were lost in a fire, so that’s all we know.” We were walking now, the sun cascading down on us, the sky a perfect unbroken blue.
Cas’ eyes flickered to me, and I knew he was thinking of another love story that ended too soon.
“It’s okay, you know. It’s been more than five years since Joel died and I won’t forget him, but I’m not heartbroken anymore.” It was a hard thing to say out loud, although I’d accepted this as a truth a while ago. “When he first died, everything was raw. Everything reminded me of him. I could still smell his cologne on his clothes and on the sheets, even after they’d been washed half a dozen times. I’d hear footsteps walk up the path to the house and think it would be him, and when I remembered it couldn’t be, grief would hit me and drag me under again. Now I don’t think it will be him when I hear the gravel crunch. I sometimes wonder about what our life would be like if he hadn’t rescued that boy, but I can accept now that I’m enjoying the life that I still have. Heidi lost one parent – I couldn’t let her lose another.”
That had been the line drawn in bold. I didn’t die that night. My daughter still had me, and she deserved a mother that taught her how to enjoy life, not spend it grieving.
“You’re kind of amazing, you know that?”
His words were quietly said, almost lost under the crash of a wave and the holler of a seagull.
I laughed, partly because I wasn’t good at accepting compliments, partly because a cute boy was noticing me.
“I think we’re all amazing. Everyone I meet has had their loads to bear and yet we can still breath and see the beauty in things, especially in the flaws.” We jogged around the curve of Lovers Heights to a smaller bay, the sand interspersed with strips of rock and pebbles.
“Does this place have a name?” Cas paused on one of the rocks, looking at the cliffs.
“Copper Cliffs –Clogwyni Copr.When the sun sets in July and August the cliffs look the same colour as copper.” I looked out to the sea which was deceptively calm.
Enticing.
“This is where the search for Joel started and ended.” I remembered that morning. Search and rescue had been out all night; the lifeboat crew in their boats, the helicopter not ceasing, but there was no sign.
The sun had risen, watered yellows and reds seeping into the sky when I’d seen Thane Allister’s expression as he walked towards me, Liv getting there first to break the news. Doreen, an ex-nurse who lived a few doors down, was holding Heidi, which had been a good thing: as soon as I’d seen Thane, I’d known, my legs crumpling under me.
I’d ran to Copper Cliffs, knowing that was where he’d last been seen and now I was standing a hundred metres from that exact spot where there had been an ended I’d never planned for.
Cas froze. “Are you sure you’re okay being here?”
I nodded, managing a smile just as watery as that sky had been that morning. “Yes. I come here a lot or quite a bit anyway. We were lucky – we’d known that it was unlikely he’d survived after the boat he was on capsized, but the way the tide is madeit unlikely we’d be able to retrieve his body. This place provided me with closure. At first, I’d think of that day, but we had happy memories here too. We were here when I told him I was pregnant.”
Cas was still, his eyes deep with thoughts that maybe one day he’d share.
