“I’m not sure whether I’m ready to start something yet.” Although I was realising I might be more ready than I thought. “I don’t know how over my divorce I am, given it hasn’t even gone through yet.”
Her smile was sweet and understanding and I hated it.
“I get that. It’s taken me this long to even think I might be ready for something else. Thank you for helping nudge me on that journey.”
It sounded like she’d reached her conclusion and that was that. No persuading, no flirting, no strategies that Bryony had once tried to get my attention and that was a relief, kind of. I was disappointed and I had no fucking right to be at all.
Sometimes doing the right thing wasn’t the right thing to do.
I helped clear up, tidying up the barbecue and the garden while Romy put any leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow. It felt domesticated, especially when Mia woke up and ran downstairs, a bad nightmare disturbing her. I watched Romy comfort her, reassuring her and then being practical.Everything was safe. There was no one on the road in front of the house. We’re all okay.
It made me think about Bryony and whether we’d ever have had kids. We’d talked about it when we first got together and there was another conversation when we were on honeymoon, and that we’d leave it for a few years until we were more settled in our careers.
We didn’t talk about it again after that. I guessed we were both happy enough working, travelling and socialising. Kids were something still in the distant future, even though neither of us were getting any younger.
I spent my days with children, although the adults – staff and parents – were harder work than kids were, and I still pictured myself coaching a kids team for cricket or football, one of my own taking part in it.
Mia went back to bed, Romy tucking her in and looked bemused when she came back downstairs.
“There’s still something she’s not telling me. I don’t think that was a nightmare: I think it’s something that happened.” Romy leaned against the kitchen worktop, arms folded, glancing out at the garden which was bathed in evening colours.
All the professionals involved with Mia agreed that Mia had seen more than she’d disclosed, and had probably been told by Cara not to say anything. The safer Mia began to feel, the more chance there was of her making a disclosure.
“Is it worth you writing it down and talking to her about it in the morning? See if she tells you anything else.” It was what I would’ve said to anyone on my team at school – make a note if something niggles you, then you’ll remember if there’s a pattern or something more comes of it.
Romy reached for the kettle. “I’ll do that. It was a little too specific to be a nightmare.”
“Poor kid.” I meant that. It felt like we were rocketing towards summer, and Puffin Bay was the ideal place for an idyllic stretch of long sandy weeks spent building castles andhunting for crabs in rock pools. My summers had been spent on a housing estate, neither of my parents being able to afford any more than a few days out here and there to break up the monotony of the same day over and over again. I supposed school had been my refuge even though my parents had been good people. School gave me routine and regularity, which I thrived off. That was probably why I’d gone into a career in education, never quite wanting to leave that safe space.
“I feel really guilty for not realising more was going on.” Romy rubbed her shoulders. “All the wanting to spend time here with Mia and Heidi asking whether Mia could come for tea all the time – it makes sense now. I should’ve asked Cara more about what was going on - ”
“And you think she’d have told you? The chances are she’d have gotten defensive and stopped Mia from spending time with Heidi if she thought you were digging for info. It was probably better you didn’t. At least this way Mia kept coming to you.” I wasn’t a great believer in beating yourself up after the fact.
“True. And I didn’t want to judge Cara. I knew she found things difficult. She had shocking taste in men and she never had much money – or at least we didn’t think she had.”
“Who’s we?”
“The town in general. People would try to help her out with bits, if they had decent furniture that they didn’t want or they’d overbaked food, toys for Mia. We were both helped out by the town when we’d had the girls but that only lasts so long and you’re kind of expected to have gotten over it.” She shrugged and sighed. “Cara once said she felt like no one ever helped out.” Romy’s laugh was dry. “That was when I dropped off a load of washing at her house because her washing machine had broken. It stung.”
“Maybe she was expecting it to be ironed too.”
That got me a happier laugh.
“Maybe. You know, she could be dead. She might not be missing; she could be dead somewhere.” Her words sounded shaky. “I know they think they saw her on CCTV at a petrol station, but that hasn’t been confirmed.”
“We can only go off what we know and what we’re pretty sure of.” I opened the fridge and passed Romy the milk.
She offered me a mug of tea, but I declined. If I sat down to drink I wasn’t sure I’d leave anytime soon.
“I should head back to Beryl’s. I’ll do a quick perimeter check before I go in and send you a message to say it’s okay. I’m sure it will be.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that. And thanks for being so honest about, you know, everything.”
“No need to thank me. I’ll probably see you tomorrow. Neighbour.”
She shot me a grin as I stepped over to drop a kiss goodnight on her cheek, my hand resting on her hip, maybe for half a second too long or maybe not long enough.
“Goodnight. Phone me if you need anything.” I gave her a friendly wink, not suggestive, and disappeared towards the front door.
