But I’m not ‘it’ if I’m dead, Romy. If I’m not here, you need to carry on living too. Don’t be like that mad woman in that book you like, Havisham or something. Don’t let your clocks stop.
They’d stopped at the time I’d been told he’d died, Liv breaking the news that they were calling off the search that’d gone on for twice as long as it should’ve because it was Joel. I’d lived, but it’d been almost a half-life. Survival with a baby, survival with a toddler. Survival as a single mum who missed her husband. Not feeling was easier than feeling, numbness was kind, which was why I hadn’t judged Cara when I knew she was taking whatever it was to make the pain go away, although I’d avoided alcohol and anything else apart from rom coms and books by authors I knew would remind me that happily ever afters still existed, even if mine had been drowned.
I hadn’t noticed a man to be as good looking as Cassian from before the day I was blinded by Joel.
I’d forgotten how it felt to have a crush, an infatuation, an interest beyond professional capacity, and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what the rules were anymore, or even if Cassian thought I existed beyond being a parent at his school.
EIGHT
Romy
“So what exactly was that delectable specimen on manhood doing here?”
Liv was deposited on the sofa, her long legs kicking out, cushions arranged haphazardly but she seemed comfortable. The girls were in bed finally, the conversation between them drifting to just monosyllables as the excitement of the day segued into sleep.
We were drinking tea and dunking digestives, the TV now switched off because there was nothing interesting on, but we didn’t want to recap over what was happening with Cara.
“He walked past, and the girls saw him, so I offered him a drink. He was just being friendly.” I really did think that. I wasn’t arrogant enough to think he’d walked that way on purpose just to see me – because why would he?
My friend looked entertained. “You fancy him.”
“I’m not thirteen anymore, you do know that, don’t you?”
She shrugged. “I’m aware none of us are thirteen anymore, thank god. I wouldn’t be that age again even if you paid me and gave me special powers. Thirteen to eighteen were awful.”
“What age would you be, then?” I was trying to distract her from saying anything else about Cassian.
“Twenty-seven. That’s when I started to get my shit together, I just didn’t realise it. Anyway, Cassian. Tell me more.”
Sometimes her job was a pain in the backside. She noticed far too much. “He’s just moved here. He’s in the process of getting divorced. His wife was a teacher in the school where he was deputy head, and he caught her sleeping with his best friend, who was also the head teacher in the same school.”
“I bet that was a scandal. So he’s single? No kids?”
“Why couldn’t you have done a different job?” It was a fair question.
“I like this one. I can be legitimately nosey and I can lock up bad people. Back to what you’re trying to avoid – has Cassian the Sexy Head Teacher awakened your lady parts?”
I glared at her with my best cross mum look. “I can’t believe what you said about the duster.”
“Tell me I’m not wrong or I won’t believe you. You haven’t even talked about a man you found attractive unless he was fictional or famous since Joel died.” She was one of the few people who spoke about Joel without worrying that I’d melt into a puddle of tears. I appreciated that.
I could continue to deny what was very obvious, probably to Cassian too, or I could come clean and we could end this conversation quickly. “I find him attractive. He’s got something about him.”
“He’s a bad boy gone good. Which is your type.” She glanced over at the photo of Joel on the wall holding Heidi a few days after she’d been born.
He’d been so excited to be a girl dad, hands on from the start and even some use while I was in labour. He’d have adored the little person she was becoming, brave like him and full of fun and life.
“I suppose it is. Maybe it is time I tried going on a date. I have no idea who with though. How do you meet people now? I’m not sure I want to meet someone online or go hunting for someone. And there’s no one in Puffin Bay.” It felt like a relief to actually voice those words, like I was finally coming out of a long, dark tunnel.
“Isn’t there? That new head teacher might be interested in some one-to-one time.”
“That new head teacher’s just had a really messy break up with several life changes. And I’m hardly catch of the day, am I? Single mum, extra bonus kid, husband who died a hero and the town worships – that’s catnip for men.” I decided another digestive was needed, one coated in chocolate.
Liv folded her arms, a cushion plonking onto the floor as she did so. “He’s interested.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m a detective and I detect things. Plus, not to generalise, but lots of women his age will have kids and the baggage from past relationships, just like he does. And you’re gorgeous. He has eyes.”
