“How did you know?”
“I was watching your reflection in the glass. It’s because of the anniversary, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “Five years.”
“Five years,” he repeated, pressing one of his kisses against my head. “We should do something for the day.”
“Like what?”
He shrugged. “Go away for the night. Chester or Manchester or Liverpool. I know we could go to the arch and sit in the Puffin Inn, but your sister would never have done the same thing every year to remember something and you know that’s true.”
“It is. She’d probably visit a new city or go sky diving or bungee jumping.” I shook my head, my arms around Gully’s neck now, wondering how being this close to him managed to soothe everything every time, apart from one annoying itch.
“You’re not bungee jumping or sky diving. Even if you weren’t pregnant, that still wouldn’t be happening.”
I stepped back, out of his hold. “I would if I wanted to.”
His expression changed, his mouth opening and closing as if he was going to say something but wasn’t sure what.
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t do anything to risk this baby. You know that. And I won’t do anything to stop our baby from having a mother – I won’t put myself at risk, but I get to decide what’s risky. You don’t get to tell me what to do.” I felt fire rise.
Gully stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked a little like a rabbit caught in some very bright headlights.
“Bad choice of words.” He swallowed. “Let me explain it better, please.”
I nodded, knowing I’d jumped too quickly – I just didn’t like being told what to do. “Okay. Dig yourself out of the hole.”
“Ivy died because she made a risky decision to take a motorbike out during a storm along a path that wasn’t designed for bikes full stop. She was an adrenaline junky. She lived for taking risks and I lost her because of that. I am fucking petrified of losing someone else I love. When it storms, I worry about my brothers or Thane or Caleb going out on the lifeboat. I worry about Finn slicing something off when he’s pissing about with his woodwork. I worry that Roe’s going to put himself in harm’s way with his online antics – even though I know it’s unrealistic. I worried about you on the walk you did this morning in case you fell. It’s ridiculous, Iris. It’s fucking stupid. I’m scared of going through that loss again, of having someone ripped away.”
I nodded, needing words to fill the hole that was now obvious and not the one he’d dug for himself.
“I’ve seen a therapist. I talk to Freya too. My brothers probably know but we don’t talk about it, because it’s irrational. If you wanted to do a skydive or a bungee jump it wouldn’t be my place to stop you but I’d fucking research the hell out of the company you did it with.” He took a hand out from his pocket and rubbed his hair, a nervous habit I’d noticed.
“I’m scared of heights, Gul. I’m not going to be doing either of those things. I just don’t like being told what I can and can’t do.” I closed the distance myself this time, but I didn’t touchhim. “I’m also really good at looking after myself and I’m not my sister. Ivy was an extreme and she lived life like she might die the next day because that was how she felt. Time was short, so fill it with everything you can. If today’s your last day then - ”
“Make it unforgettable. She said that to me.” His smile was watery. “I won’t tell you what to do. But forgive me if I get worried.”
There was a way to bring the light back in. I took it, even though it was a gamble. A twist instead of stick.
“There is a place where I like being told what to do.”
Gully frowned at me. “Where?”
“The bedroom.” And that was when I decided it was a good time to leave the room.
We headed out at six-thirty as planned, to a venue I hadn’t been informed of. We’d had an impromptu afternoon visit from Finn with Elsie and Elias, who weren’t much company as Finn had made them walk most of the way so they were shattered. Gully was amazing with them as usual, not just in a show-uncle kind of way, but actually looking like there was no place else he’d rather be.
“The day after tomorrow.” Finn had said, his hands stuffed in his pockets. “Me and Ruby were wondering what you wanted to do.”
Gully looked over at me and cracked a grin. He hadn’t said anything about my bedroom comment and I got the impression he was saving it for later. I’d caught him looking at me more often during the afternoon, watching me when he thought I wasn’t looking. When I noticed, I made sure he knew he’d been caught out, giving him a not-so-shy-smile.
“We’re going away for the night. I wondered whether we could do something here at the weekend together. A barbecue or something, maybe walk down to the arch.”
It was a smooth move from Gully, not explaining where we were going or why, just giving an alternative.
I knew that each year, they’d gathered to remember Ivy and to give Gully support, the exception being two years ago when we’d been in New Orleans.
“Okay. That works out better for the kids as well. Zoey’s over too if you want to ask her and Caleb.” Finn knitted his eyebrows together but didn’t push it.
