We headed inside, Iris telling me about her trip, some of the places she wanted to return to and pausing in the entrance hall, looking around at the double vaulted ceiling with the handblown glass balls of the chandelier. It was modern in style because the house was, the space and size of the building emphasized. I didn’t want farmhouse style like Finn’s, or Victorian like Roe’s. I wanted to make the most of the house’s position next to the sea. This was an ocean home and that wasn’t going to change.
“This place - it’s the sort of home you dream of. I can understand why you’ve hung out for it. The staircase – I love it. I love the light.”
“The light’s why I bought it. At night you can see the lights dancing on the mainland and I’ve had sight of the aurora borealis half a dozen times since I’ve lived here. Want the tour now or later?”
Her smile made my stomach flip. I’d dreaded that feeling.
It was easy to be in love with someone who may as well have been a million miles away. You could be in love with the fantasy of the person because you didn’t know them well enough on a constant basis. I knew that. That was one of the reasons why I was nervous about her stay because I might realise that I wasn’t in love with her like I thought and that would leave me even more lonely.
“After this.” She put down her camera bag and threw her arms around me, her body pressing against mine in a hug that felt like Christmas. It took me a second to respond, my arms going around hers, careful with my hand placement, careful thatI didn’t try to kiss her, careful that I didn’t say something I should likeI love youorwill you live here forever with me.
I managed to hold myself together, drowning in her perfume and the scent of her hair, the softness of her and her warmth against me. Having her stay with me was going to be torture.
The idea of her carrying my baby was already more than that.
“I couldn’t wait to hug you. I’m so glad I’m here.” Her arms stayed around me as she made space so we could see each other.
“Stay for as long as you want.” Stay forever.
“I will. At the moment I’ve no reason to go back to London, unless, you know. I have a couple of projects but both are abroad and only pencilled in and I can pull out.” Her expression was serious. “If – there are lots of ifs.”
I nodded. I had lots of ifs too. “Let’s just talk this week and work out a plan. I think we have a lot to cover.”
“We do. I feel excited and nervous and worried and weirdly happy that you’re okay with even having this conversation. Does that make sense?”
“It does. I feel the same. Have you mentioned this to anyone else?”
She shook her head. “No. I don’t want to. I just want to speak with you about it first. What about you? Have you told your brothers?”
“No.” My hands were still on her, resting on her waist, my little fingers just on the curve of her lower back.
I remembered her curves. That one night we spent together in New Orleans was engraved in my memory with cuts so deep it’d never be worn away. It’d been a warm night, sultry and noisy, the sort of sounds that become part of your skin, the beats working their way into your bones. There’d been colours and lights and laughter and later there had been her skin on mine as we’d fucked until the early hours of the morning. The feel of her, the sound of her – it hadn’t left me.
“Will you? Talk to your brothers?”
I nodded. “If we decided that I’ll be the donor, yes.”
“What will they say?”
I shrugged, my shoulders feeling heavy. “I don’t know. They’ll support whatever I choose to do. If we have a baby together, they’ll want to be part of their niece or nephew’s life, so I know they’ll be worried about not having them as part of the family.”
Her face was as serious as I’d ever seen it. “You know that’s one of the reasons I want you to be the father, Gully? I want my child to have that sort of family.”
“I know.” I couldn’t talk about this anymore. Not right now. “Let’s show you round.”
I took her to the kitchen first, a big area with a large sectional sofa and TV, and a huge table with views down the garden to the sea. I’d chosen wooden furnishings, a nautical theme running through the house. A lot of the ornament things were upcycled, oddities that Fleur had found when she was wandering round antiques fairs and car boot sales, some had been from hers and Thane’s cottages when they’d renovated them.
“There’s a downstairs bedroom that could’ve been a study and a wet room.” I led her through, trying not to overthink why she was still holding my hand. “There’s another door through the wet room that leads into a garage, but really it’s storage for boat stuff and outside beachy things. You can go straight into it and shower.”
“Was it like this when you bought it?”
“It was. The kitchen and bathrooms just needed freshening up. The layout of the house suited me as soon as I saw it because it’s so open and I like having that space. For a new house, it’s got high ceilings, which I wanted. The other house I looked at didn’t have the same height.” I should’ve felt lonely living here, having a big space to rattle round here, but I hadn’t done so far. SinceI’d moved in, I’d been at my most productive with my writing, so I’d had my fictional friends to keep me company.
I led her upstairs, my body still tense. This was all my first dates wrapped in one and my body knew it.
I’d never been nervous with a girl before. I’d never been nervous with Ivy, but I was with her sister.
“This view.”
