“This is exactly where I want to be.” I hoped the words gave her some idea of what I was feeling.
“In Amsterdam?”
“In Amsterdam with you.”
I saw her smile, the glow from the bedside lamps illuminating her lips.
“I’m not sure there are many places I’d rather be either.”
I would take that right now.
CHAPTER15
Neva
It had been keptquiet from the media, with only the team and immediate coaching staff knowing, so when Jude made his return on the bench the week before Christmas, the stadium erupted. There were eyes and flashes of cameras focusing on him, and he was pretty much the only thing the match day commentary could talk about.
We were the early kick off on a Saturday, Christmas Day in just a couple of days. The plan was for him to come on for the last ten minutes of the game today, and then have a longer stint in the Boxing Day game, before starting on New Year’s Day.
His recovery had been exceptional. He’d managed to find ways to keep his stamina up – he hadn’t gone into detail with anyone about how he’d done this, but I suspected those nights and Sundays in his bed, or whichever room in his house, had helped, and he’d built on his strength in other areas.
Jude had accepted that the injury would mean he’d lose some speed so he’d planned to work around this, looking at how he’d need to adapt his game. He’d told me he’d already been working on this, knowing that as he got older, he would lose seconds off his pace, and he would want to eventually play upfront rather than on the wing, so strength was going to be even more essential.
This had been in one of those late night discussions, after a couple of sessions of epic sex, when we were curled up in his gigantic bed. I’d begun to realise that Jude ran far deeper than he’d come across when he’d first stepped up onto the first team. The amount of planning he was doing not just for now but moving into the future made me question too much about myself.
My father had died when I was young, leaving me with my mother who’d crumbled. We didn’t have a massive support network and pretty much lived from hand to mouth, although she had a decent job, working as a paralegal. Her wages just about covered our rent and outgoings, leaving a little for new clothes and one holiday a year. We weren’t on the breadline, but there wasn’t much for savings.
My goal as soon as I was old enough to have one was to stay out of debt, get a degree and own my own little house. I wanted to be beholden to no one.
Unfortunately, my mum had wanted a few extras one year, a new TV and cooker that amounted to just over a thousand pounds. A friend of hers mentioned taking a loan from someone she knew, which turned out to be a huge mistake. It was unregulated and my mother ended up owing triple what she’d borrowed at ridiculous interest rates and threats to her and me if she didn’t pay.
I’d been fourteen at the time and knew what was going on, so I’d managed to get a Saturday job at a café and started giving my mother the money I earned. Eventually, the loan shark was reported and arrested and the situation went away.
So my goal had been to be self-sufficient. I’d managed it, and now I was saving what I could so I didn’t have to worry if I couldn’t work for a time or for when I didn’t want to work, but my plan was nothing like Jude’s.
He wanted to go into punditry, so his sponsorship deals were carefully considered. He was passionate about the healthy lifestyles work we’d been doing and he wanted to pursue that further, something that we’d talked a lot more about. This work was already leading to him being offered deals with brands that otherwise wouldn’t have looked at a footballer, but he and his agent seemed to be onto something.
There was a balance that he was planning between ensuring he could continue to be busy, highlighting causes and issues that he believed in, and keeping a steady stream of income so he didn’t have to worry about using the nest egg he’d built up.
The planning was important to him, because he knew without structure, he’d be searching for highs in low places.
I watched as Jude warmed up with the rest of the team, the fans already chanting his name. There was expectation on his shoulders, that him being back would somehow revive the season and we’d head back up to the top of the league. I’d asked Jude if he was feeling the weight of those expectations. He’d just grinned and shook his head, not fazed in the slightest, but he hadn’t explained any more.
Warm up finished, there were the usual match day announcements, the toss-up between the captains won by Rowan. The crowd grew louder as the referee got ready for kick off, the electricity in the atmosphere connecting fans together.
“Are you nervous?” Amber dug me in my side with her elbow, Oliver on her knee, ready to watch his daddy.
We were in one of the boxes the club reserved for club staff who weren’t needed pitch-side. I wasn’t expected to attend games – it wasn’t a contractual obligation – but I usually did. My dad had loved football, it was one of the things I remembered really clearly about him, and watching the game made me feel closer to him. I’d worked for the club for nearly a decade and if I hadn’t fallen in love with football, I’d probably have struggled to last that long working there.
I got the match-day excitement. I understood the match-day rituals of both players and supporters and the staff. Winning was everything.
Especially when someone who had shards of their heart mingled with yours was on the pitch.
“More so than ever.” I wanted the win. I wanted Jude to be the talisman who could bring about that win. I wanted him to play and score, or at least assist. I wanted so much from this game that I knew disappointment was inevitable.
Amber switched Oliver to the seat next to her. He was watching his dad (who’d already waved at him) in goal. His sisters were sitting behind us with their Auntie Jez, who was more interested in picking bridesmaids’ dresses. Oliver had no idea of the fate in store for him, where he was going to end up dressed in a mini suit for his Auntie’s wedding.
“I always feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster for about two hours at the end of every game. If Nate’s conceded a couple of goals I know I’ll need at least another double gin. If he’s kept a clean sheet, I’ll need bath salts the following morning.” She grinned, glancing at the play that was going on down on the pitch. “Was Jude nervous?”
