I didn’t like the fact that my bedding no longer smelt of him. I didn’t like how my bathroom felt too tidy and I had excess milk in my fridge because he hadn’t been round to drink it.
Every time he’d suggested coming round, I’d found a reason to say no; I was out, or babysitting Oliver and Nate’s girls, or I was having to work late.
In truth, I was scared.
I’d had a week where I thought I could be pregnant. I hadn’t taken the morning after pill, something I’d done without Jude knowing. I didn’t want to interrupt my cycle and the chance that I could be pregnant was slim.
A small piece of me wanted to be pregnant, even though it would’ve sent Jude’s life into freefall.
Since I’d had my period, he’d been fine. When we were alone, he was more affectionate than he’d been before and the sex had been off the charts, as if he was trying to give me even more.
This couldn’t continue.
I was worried he felt more for me than he should, and even more terrifying, I didn’t feel that this was something casual anymore.
I was seriously falling for the man, which was something I couldn’t allow myself to do. He was too young and I didn’t want to trap him with something I knew he’d give me freely. Somewhere there was a woman for him who was the same generation. Somewhere there was a man who wanted the same things as me.
We just had to find them.
“Kind of.” I sat on his barstool at his kitchen island, my car keys in my hand, my phone still in my car. I didn’t intend to be here long.
“What do you mean, kind of?” He sat down next to me. “Are you ill? Is there something you need me to do.”
I wanted to sob at that point because he could fix this. I could fix this. All I had to say was that I was falling in love with him and he’d either tell me he felt the same or break my heart. I was less terrified of the second than the first.
“No, I’m fine. Not ill and there’s nothing I need.” I watched him, his expression changing as he put things together.
“You want to end things with us, don’t you?” He stood up and paced to the other side of the kitchen.
I nodded. “I do. The pregnancy scare was a sign that we needed to stop. I don’t want to go on birth control and we’re risking an accident just using condoms.”
Jude nodded, looking out of the window rather than at me. “I forgot once, Neva. I won’t forget again.”
“I know. I trust you. But condoms aren't always reliable. I don’t want to trap you with a baby you didn’t ask for.”
“Why?” He turned round suddenly. “Why would you think you’d trap me?”
“I want children at some point. But that’s not going to be with you. I’m too old for you.” I’d never wished harder that I’d been born ten years later. Maybe if I had, my heart wouldn’t be breaking now.
“You know as well as I do that’s fucking ridiculous. We get along so well. We like the same things. We have the same beliefs. Why wouldn’t it work?” He rubbed his hand over his hair, his tell that he was stressed about something.
I slid off the stool. “I don’t want to argue about it. Please? Just accept what I’m saying.”
He opened his mouth to speak then closed it, shaking his head and looking at the ceiling. “If you don’t feel the same way, I get it.”
“Let’s speak again soon. When things have settled.” I picked up my car keys and walked to the door, out of his house and to my car.
I made it down three roads before I had to pull over because I couldn’t see the road anymore as I was crying so hard.
CHAPTER12
Jude
Neva had beenin my house since the time she’d ended things, but never on her own. I’d had parties and barbecues here for my teammates and friends, and other than at first when she’d made excuses to stay away, she’d come over with Amber and Genny and Jerrica.
My home was probably the same as your typical footballer's home. Worth a few million, with a heated pool, sauna and steam room. There was a gym most hotels would like to have and six double bedrooms and one more bathroom than I always remembered.
My favourite part though was the basement. I had a snooker table down there and games consoles, a few retro arcade machines and a pinball machine that I’d bought with my first big pay packet, because that had seemed important at the time. I also had a cinema, complete with recliner sofas that had cool boxes and glass holders at the ends which was just as good for falling asleep in as they were watching a film. I think I’d ended up watching some films three times because I kept missing the ending.
