The room was filled with the sound of Buffy chirping at a mortal enemy and nothing else. Neva hadn’t responded.
Another minute passed by. I itched my nose, my tell that I was desperate to start with the verbal diarrhoea and one I’d learned to control, not letting those words run away from me.
“I probably wouldn’t get pregnant the first time. I can track when I’m fertile – I do that already, but it would take more than one go, unless I’m lucky.” Her words were almost inaudible.
I tugged lightly at her paintbrush pony-tail. “I don’t have a problem with being your sex slave for a few months. Unless you want to go to a clinic and do whatever they do.” I really didn’t want to be jizzing in a jar, but I wasn’t in a position to argue.
Neva laughed then settled back against me, although I could tell she wasn’t relaxed. I could practically hear the thoughts zooming around her head.
“You can tell me what you’re thinking. I won’t be offended.” I swung my leg that was on the floor onto the sofa and stretched it out. “If it’s a no, I won’t bring it up again.”
“It isn’t a no. It’s anI need to think about it. How would we co-parent if we weren’t in a relationship?”
She’d said ‘ifwe weren’t’. In my head, that translated as “we might be”. It wasn’t off the table.
“We get along. We can spend time together as a family without there being any arguments. You know what my schedule is like during the season but we could work out when the baby was with me or with you. I’d want to be their dad, Neva. I wouldn’t want to just be some person that they’re around. I’d want them to know me. I’d want to know them.” I paused, taking a breath. Feeling better now I’d said that.
“You sound like you actually want a kid.” She looked round at me, pulling her hair out of its tie. “This isn’t just an offer to be kind.”
“It never was. I would like a kid – can men be broody? My dad had me when he was younger than I am now, so I don’t feel too young for it. I have savings and I can financially support as big a family as whatever happens, and I have time. Even during the season there are afternoons and days when I’m around. Nate does the school pick-up most days.” I’d been with him a few times when he went to collect Oliver from nursery and then the girls from school, although his eldest now hated him showing up because she said he was embarrassing, which just made Nate do stuff on purpose to embarrass her.
“Men can be broody. I hadn’t thought that you’d feel that way though. It would complicate things for you though. When you meet someone you want to be with, you’ll have a kid and a history. That will make things complicated.”
She had no idea that the only person I’d met who I wanted that sort of future with had been her.
“It’ll be the same for you, and it’s the same for lots of people who are single parents. And that’s if I meet someone. That’s not guaranteed.” I wanted to say something about taking a chance on us, but that would be like introducing a mouse to a cat.
She’d run.
“I get that. We’d need to set a time limit on how long we tried for. I might not get pregnant.” The words sounded like they could choke her.
“I might be firing blanks. I could get checked.” I fucking hoped I wasn’t. I did want kids, and if I couldn’t have them, any future with Neva was off the cards completely.
“That time when we didn’t use anything – I wasn’t in my fertile time then. It was unlikely I’d have gotten caught. I know it scared you though.”
It felt like I was chipping away at the brick wall. “It scared me for a couple of reasons and probably not what you thought.”
“Really?” She pressed pause on the remote control, Buffy’s face freezing on screen.
“I shit myself.”
She laughed and nodded. “I could imagine your panic.”
“Yeah, but that wasn’t the big thing. I told you before that I actually wanted you to be pregnant and that was what scared me the most. I kept thinking what if you were, and what they’d be like. If it’d be a boy or a girl and what we’d call them. I think I had it all planned out.” I swallowed and waited for her response.
“Why didn’t you tell me this then when it happened?”
“Because you kept saying stuff that just reinforced what you said at the beginning, that it wasn’t a relationship and I was too young for you and all that. You were so fucking relieved when you got your period.” I moved my hand from her hair.
“I was relieved for you. I didn’t want to trap you.” She looked tearful.
“You wouldn’t have done. And I’ve said it now. I know you want a baby, my offer’s there. We can make it work however it needs to be.”
“Let me think about it. Shall we carry on with Buffy?” She pressed play, not waiting for an answer.
“Do it.” I relaxed back down, feeling better for getting that out there and hoping she understood.
I was in the gym by myself on Sunday afternoon, going through the programme Amber had set to work on my Achilles and other bits that could keep the rest of me ready to go for when I got the green flag to return to playing. I’d got my head round that overdoing it would lead to a longer period of recovery, or create more damage that would mean I wasn’t the player I had been. I knew that while speed had been a key strength when I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I’d been pushed off the ball too easily, so I focused on strengthening my upper body, building muscle in my shoulders and back, so no one could barge me off the ball.
