“We can be friends.” My heart was pounding a march in my chest. “Your offer – thank you, but no. It wouldn’t be fair – on anyone.”
He nodded, not looking at me. “I understand.”
“You do? You don’t want me to explain why I think that?”
He half laughed then looked at me. “I’ve been thinking about it ever since I said it, and yeah, I’m not going to withdraw the offer – if you change your mind, then it’s still there. But I kind of think you want to do this on your own rather than have the father involved and I couldn’t know I had a kid and not be part of their life. Even if that kid wasn’t the sum of love and all that, and it was because I’d had a baby with a friend, I’d still want to be their dad.”
I nodded. This reinforced what I’d thought.
I ignored the ache in my chest.
“I really appreciate the offer, Jude, but it would change your life. You have tons of time for a family. Right now, you can have a life that lads your age dream of.” I didn’t want any child of mine to have a resentful father, someone who thought their kid had stolen their freedom.
“Lads?” He didn’t look amused. “Really? How old do I have to be before you think of me as a man?”
I bit the side of my mouth. He’d been all man in bed. Far more attentive and generous than other men I’d slept with, which had surprised me.
“You know what I mean.”
He nodded. “Maybe the offer should be off the table – that’ll make this easier for you.”
“What do you mean?” My heart twinged. “I appreciate - ”
“Save it, Neva. I knew when you ended things that you didn’t think much of me, that I was just an overgrown kid you were having fun with. I shouldn’t have offered to help you out.” He stood up, taking a step away.
“Jude - ”
He didn’t stop, just walked away, leaving me feeling far more discombobulated than I probably had any right to be.
“Jude seems off.” Dee passed me the bowl of freshly made flat bread that had been seasoned with rosemary and sea salt. It was rather moreish and given the rest of our dinner consisted of lightly grilled fish and vegetables, it was almost too healthy.
Jude did seem off, but I was trying to ignore it.
“Did you get that read?” Dee’s glare at me was almost palpable. “He seems off. I’m worried.”
“Why would you be worried?” I bit into the bread and almost orgasmed.
“Because he’s injured. He can’t play for six months and that’s if he’s lucky. Injuries play with your head. Football’s his life, maybe more for him that others. Without it, what’s his identity?” She swirled the white wine round in her glass and took a sip.
Rowan and the rest of the men had gone into the village to check out a pub they’d heard about. Everyone else apart from Dee and me had gone to a water park, taking the kids with a plan to eat at a kid friendly café on the way back. It’d been a quiet afternoon, just the sound of the birds and the breeze and a whole lot of silence. Dee had spent an hour or so talking to her agent, ironing out a couple of deals for post-retirement, so I’d been on my own with my book and my thoughts.
Thoughts that were centred on Jude.
I’d thought about his injury, knowing how difficult it was for athletes who couldn’t train or play or be an active part of their team. All you could focus on was you; your rehab, your recovery, your strength and mobility. Dee was right – it played with their ideas of themselves and of who they were. When you’d dedicated your life to one thing, having it taken away from you even temporarily could be the thing that destroyed you instead of the injury.
Trying to have a baby would give Jude something to do. Another focus. I couldn’t lie, I’d thought all about the ways we could cook that baby up and relived some very enticing moments, but considering it seriously was foolish. If anyone ever found out about his offer and the fact I’d even considered it, they would have me certified.
“Jude will focus on getting fit quickly.” It was about the only thing I could think to say and a completely asinine comment, meaning nothing.
Dee shrugged. “He will. My worry is that he’ll go at it too hard and be hyper focused and burn himself out or end up making the injury worse. You know how he can be. Intense.”
“I know. He can. But that could really help him too. He’s been on form while he’s been here. I’ve seen him doing all the right things – what he’s eating and drinking, the training he’s able to do around the injury and he’s doing exactly what he was told about his leg.” I couldn’t fault him. He’d been careful while we’d been away, mindful not to do anything that could put him in a position of hurting himself. He’d also been kind of his usual self too.
Dee stretched out on her lounger. “You’re right. And he’s not like he was three years ago either when he was just a puppy.”
That comment took me aback.
“What do you mean, a puppy?”
