“I was being straightforward.” I rubbed my face. “What’s your baby plan?”
“Baby plan?” She looked back at me, surprised.
I nodded. “Neva, I heard you talking to Jerrica and all that lot. You want a baby. You told me that way back when we were sleeping together. What are you going to do? Have a one-night stand and hope it works? Look at donation?”
Even though she was wearing sunglasses I could tell she was avoiding looking at me.
“I don’t know. A sperm donor is probably likely. I’m going to have some eggs frozen too, just in case.” She shook her head. “I wanted to meet someone I could have this with, but there’s a clock ticking down. I’m financially secure. I have a good support network and a supportive employer. I can be a single mum. There are loads of decent male friends about who will be good role models too.”
That determined chin stuck up again. Defiant. Stubborn. Resolute.
The devil got me. I could be as stubborn as her.
“Let me do it.”
My heart rate upped into the danger zone.
“What?” She frowned.
“I’ll be your sperm donor.”
“Jude - ”
“Hear me out. I like kids. You think I’m too young to commit – maybe I am. But I’m not too young to father one. We can draw up a contract. I’ll get you pregnant. For fuck’s sake, it’ll give me something to do while I’m rehabbing this.” I wasn’t sure I was selling it. Those probably weren’t the right words and if she had any sense, she’d run away from me as fast as she could in bare feet.
“I don’t know. It should be anonymous.” She was shaking her head rather than running. “And I don’t think discussing this now is appropriate. Not here. Not with everyone around.”
“That wasn’t a no.”
She looked shell-shocked.
“Think about it. I’ll think about it.” I half-struggled to get up, the boot cumbersome and the sun lounger I’d been sitting on not easy to get up from. “But please don’t tell me I’m not old enough to know my own mind again.” I walked off, not sure which part of me had made that offer, and surprised that I didn’t want to take the words back.
Neva avoided me for the next three days. I’d expected as much. She’d done the same the days after we’d first slept together, and I’d learned then that she was an avoider, or an ostrich. She liked to stick her head in the sand and pretend it wasn’t happening, unless it was something to do with work, in which case she took the bull by the horns, or the footballer by the throat.
I was prepared to be ignored. It didn’t bother me, or rather, I pretended it didn’t bother me.
In truth it did.
Being a footballer meant people usually got back to you quickly. You had status just because you were decent kicking a leather ball around the field for ninety minutes or less, status that got you a table at most restaurants even when they were full or gave you free access to a sold out gig.
My dad taught me early on that I could be a prick. I could be that arsehole who uses his name to get to places he shouldn’t be. I knew players like that; there were men who played alongside my dad who would throw about the words “don’t you know who I am?”, men who my dad tolerated and was professional with, but didn’t entertain.
I was brought up in a football stadium. I got to see first-hand how careers worked out and how far you got with being a wanker, and while you had to have a certain amount of self-belief to go out there on game day and listen to the taunts from the opposition supporters, and sometimes your own team’s fans, there was a limit I knew had to be self-imposed.
This was hard, especially because I wanted to know now what Neva wanted. I wanted my thoughts to be calmed by hers. I wanted an answer.
Maybe I wanted her to tell me this was a stupid suggestion and I needed to go buy a brain or something, replace the faulty one I had.
Everyone bar me and Jesse had headed into the little village to pillage the bakery and other shops, the four kids going with the adults.
It was the weekend and the weather was hot, the chateau shimmering in the heat. Jesse had swum laps in the pool, making me wish I could at least get in, but that would’ve been foolish. Swimming was out of the question: those precious tendons needed to heal, and I needed to keep the boot on to help that process. Even without Amber being there and keeping half an eye on me, I wouldn’t have risked it.
“This peace is just amazing.” Jesse lay back on his lounger. “Just listen to that.”
I listened. “I can only hear the birds.”
“That’s the point. No kids. No women. No noise. It’s fucking bliss, man.” He closed his eyes, looking far too chilled.
