“Sorry, Cap, I’m just fucking well stoked!”
His vocab was a mix of Mancunian and Australian, which made me wonder what he’d been watching.
“Captain says put some kecks on.” I pointed him away, noticing Nate calling me over.
I was already showered and dressed, the motivation of getting home to Jerrica’s warm, welcoming body a better celebration that the alternative, which was a night out in Alderley. Our supporters would be celebrating too, doing most of it for us, because at the end of it, this was a job and bad decisions after a win could make sure I didn’t experience that win again.
“What’s up?” I picked up my bag and headed to him.
He didn’t look happy.
“Follow me out. Let’s not piss on any parades here.”
The night I walked into the place I was staying with my mother when she overdosed was something I tried not to think about. When I pressed down the handle to the room we were living in, I’d felt as if I was watching a film version of my own life, that I wasn’t in my body, and instead I was seeing me walk into that room.
All the blood had rushed to my head when I saw her out cold on the sofa, her arm still with the tie-off on it. Heroin had become her new lover, and I think I knew when I first saw her use it that it was the beginning of the end.
That feeling, that rush of blood, was what I had now. Adrenaline, pure and simple, mixed with fear.
“Jerrica?” Her name fell from my lips as soon as we were outside in the corridor.
“She’s fine, everyone’s fine. Breathe.” Nate put his hand on my shoulder. “Did you know she’s been getting threats?”
“What?”
“Someone’s been sending detailed threats to her, calling her a whore because of what she writes and saying shit about you. I’ve just seen Genny, who’s given me vague details — stop.”
Both hands were on my shoulders now.
“Fucking get yourself together, Jesse, or I’ll punch you out cold.”
I closed my mouth, unaware of what words had come out of it. Then I breathed.
“She’s okay?”
Nate nodded. “There was another note left on your car windscreen and a photograph of you and her — they’ve caught the person on CCTV. I didn’t know if you knew she’d been getting these threats.”
I shook my head, starting to feel more together. “She didn’t tell me. Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Probably for the same reason she didn’t tell me. I don’t know any more details, but she’s in Genny’s office with the police. They’re going to want to speak to both of us. Are you good to come?”
I nodded, just about holding myself together.
“We’re going to get a drink first. I can’t have you near my sister looking like you do right now.”
I nodded, bile making its way up my throat. Jerrica was fine, everyone was okay, there was no need for me to feel this irrational, this on edge, but that sensation I’d had when I saw Nate’s face and heard those words had been enough to pull me back there.
I wasn’t cognizant of where he directed me, the swirl of feelings of panic, relief, fear, and gratitude that Nate was so cool even though it was his sister we were also talking about.
I knew that past trauma could fuck up how you’d react when something happened to take you back to that moment. I knew that tomorrow I’d be messaging Jane and booking in a session for that day. I also knew that I could handle this.
By the time Nate had pushed me into Guy’s office, my heart rate was almost back to normal, and I was with it enough to watch him take out two whisky glasses and a bottle of very nice scotch from one of Guy’s cupboards.
“Drink.” He handed me a glass as soon as he’d poured the first one.
“Thank you. Is Guy going to chew us off about this?”
Nate shook his head. “He was with Genny when she told me and he was trying to chew her off because she hadn’t told him. My sister is in the shit with a lot of people.”
