“Is it that obvious?” I muttered the words, not caring if Nicky heard or not.
“To me it is. Rowan won’t have noticed, or Matty — they’re too mixed up in their own dramas – but even though you’re like Captain Chilled and this sound, relaxed bloke who has life all sorted with his football career, when she’s around or Nate mentions her, you get this look on your face like someone told you that you weren’t allowed any more chocolate.” He laughed, as if he’d just realised something important that was about to change the world. “It’s the same look Jude gets when he sees whatever Neva’s put on his diet plan.”
“Fuck that.” I was nothing like Jude.
Nicky laughed again, managing to drive like a sane person for five minutes. “No one’s said anything so they’ve not noticed, or if they have, they’re too scared of you to say anything.”
That did make me smile. “I do not look like Jude.”
“You have the same expression, like a little kid who can’t have the only thing he wants.”
The words stung like the whip of stones. That little kid who didn’t have anything was still there, just in a six-foot two package with tattoos and a big, expensive house.
“I don’t want to mess her about.”
Nicky frowned. “Not going to lie — I’ve got zero experience with relationships, so I have no knowledge to use here, but why would you mess her about if you like her?”
“I’m not good at relationships.”
He missed the turning he should’ve taken to get to the training complex and seemed completely unaware of it, but no one had beeped us or flashed their lights since we’d gotten back in the car, so I didn’t bring that up.
“Have you ever been in a relationship? I’ve never known you to, I mean, I know you’ve had women you’ve hooked up with, but I’ve never known you to be like, into someone.”
Nicky started to waffle, which was a tell he was nervous. He needn’t be. He was a good kid and Kitty was lucky to have him.
Would people think that about Jerrica if she was with me? Or would they wonder why someone like her was with a man who had no idea of what it was like to be wanted?
When I first started having therapy sessions with Jane, she gave me reading material about attachment disorder, and about how children formed healthy attachments when care was given to them appropriately when they were younger, as babies.
I knew as a baby and a toddler, I’d been left for hours at a time. As a four-year-old, I’d spent two nights in the house by myself, my mother leaving me with a few sandwiches and cereal and a bottle of milk.
When she came back, she asked me if I’d missed her and I remembered saying no, because it hadn’t been much different from when she was there. That was one of my earliest memories.
I didn’t trust people to not leave me. I didn’t understand why anyone would love me, given that my mother hadn’t. At least, I didn’t at the start of my therapy and at various points in the last ten years when things hadn’t gone as I’d wanted.
I knew it was my mother who’d had difficulties, not me. I knew that my old coach, my friends, even my agent, all liked me. I’d been chosen as captain because I could keep the lads I played with onside and they responded well to me. I’d captained my country on a couple of occasions, and that could become a regular thing since the previous captain had now retired from international football.
I’d proven myself over and over again, but the fear of being found out was still there.
“I’ve never been in a relationship.” I heard the words clearer than the referee’s whistle at kick-off.
“Why, man? You’re not that ugly.”
“Thanks, Nicky. Appreciate that compliment.” He was grinning and had managed to find his way to the training complex without another wrong turn. “I’ve never been the relationship type.”
“But you’d like to with Jerrica.” He turned into the car park, the attendant waving him through.
“Yeah. I guess I would.” Even saying the words felt scary.
“So give her the books you bought her, then let me know what she says so I know whether to give mine to Kitty or not.”
I shook my head and laughed. The boy was a fucking hoot.
CHAPTER14
Jerrica
Jesse turnedup with my brother, looking freshly showered and a little shy. He also kept on looking at me when he thought I wasn’t paying attention to him, and when I caught him, he’d look away. It was entertaining and doing wonders for my ego.
