Jesse licked his lips, eyes flashing. “Was that a bad choice?”
I laughed, shaking my head. “No. Because now I know it wasn’t just my imagination.”
“It was never your imagination. But the rest of it might have to be.”
I caught a butterfly in my throat, escaping from my stomach. “What if I want more?”
He shook his head slowly. “It would be a lot more. And it could ruin us both. Probably me more than you.”
Jesse bent his head, pressing a kiss to my cheek.
“Some things are better imagined. Use that kiss for your books.” He stepped back. “We should get back before your brother realises we’re both missing.”
“Sure.”
Only I wasn’t sure at all.
CHAPTER7
Jesse
I wasn’tthe sort of guy who partied in clubs and bars. I went to bars occasionally, usually to keep an eye on the younger players who were likely to do something dickish, or to watch out for a more senior player who was going through a rough patch and might end up doing something he’d regret later. Not that I was a buzzkill. I liked to socialise and I generally liked being with my teammates, but clubs were something I tended to avoid, unless they were exclusive and underground with NDAs signed at the door and phones handed in.
Tonight, I wasn’t in a nightclub, because I was babysitting baby footballers. Tonight, I was doing something I forced myself into doing at least once a year: seeing my cousin.
As a kid, I’d ended up living with him and his mum for a few months here and there. We’d briefly played on the same football team together, me doing odd jobs for elderly neighbours to earn enough to the pay the subscriptions, Lyle nicking the money out of his mum’s latest boyfriend’s wallet. He knew what my childhood had been like, but unfortunately, when he saw me, he wanted to talk about it. He wanted to compare how it had been shit for both of us and I’d ‘got lucky’ getting a football contract, while he’d ended up as a labourer or doing odd jobs. Lyle had never been in the care system, although his mum hadn’t been too different from mine, and he’d never had a lot of looking after. But he had lived in the same house while he grew up and stayed in the same two schools. He’d been fed at least once a day, and I knew he’d had big Christmas presents every year, although my aunt had been shit at remembering his birthday.
I arranged to meet with Lyle when he started getting frequent with his text messages, usually building up to accusing me of being too up my own arse to bother, or too rich to remember him. It also usually coincided with him having had a ‘business deal’ gone wrong, which basically meant he owed money to a loan shark.
It wasn’t that I hadn’t helped Lyle out. I’d given him grants — as we’d called them — in my early professional days, when he’d had ideas for the next big thing, fancying himself as an entrepreneur. I knew that once he had the money, he’d pissed it away on booze, drugs, gambling and women, then panicked and borrowed when I’d asked where my investment was up to.
Now, to ease any guilt I had that I was living the dream and he was still living in the same house where he’d grown up, I’d drop him a birthday gift in the form of a few grand and check up on him. Lyle trod a fine line between keeping clean and dipping his toes in a bit of illegal shit, so me keeping my distance was in my best interests, which I’d explained to him once.
It had gone down exactly as you’d have expected it to.
We were meeting at a club on the outskirts of Manchester — not a dive, because that would’ve been an outright no — but a new venue that was aiming itself at trendy clientele. Lyle said he knew the owners and they’d asked him to invest, something I was finding hard to believe, but I went along with it, asking Jerrica to drive us out there, parking in a secure spot and taking a cab the short journey to the club.
It was exactly a week since I’d kissed her, or she’d kissed me. I’d filed the moment in a box labelled with a warning sign and let myself open it twice a day: when I was in the shower first thing in the morning before I saw her, and just before I went to sleep at night.
Jerrica was all the things I couldn’t have and everything I shouldn’t want. She was curious and had an innocent air that a life like mine would only taint. I knew her childhood had been good overall. Nate had told me on an away game, when we were back in our hotel, that his growing up had been nothing like mine, with both his parents being as fully present as they were able to with him and his sister. They’d moved house three times as children, each time to a bigger property with more land, his father and his mother both climbing in their careers. Birthdays were celebrated; Christmas was a big family event.
I didn’t scorn Nate’s childhood or the difficulties he’d gone through that were his and his alone, but I knew that I carried scars that sometimes became inflamed, and someone like Jerrica didn’t need to be the person who had to put balm on them.
My therapist had asked why I didn’t think I deserved a woman who I thought was perfect, and I hadn’t been able to answer her, which was why I was taking Jerrica with me tonight.
She’d meet my cousin. She’d see a less charmed life. She’d learn a little bit more about why she needed to make a better choice about kissing me in future.
“We’ll get a taxi back.” I put my hand on her back as we walked toward the club doors. “Have a few drinks if you want.”
“What about the car in the morning?”
“Nicky said he’d give us a lift in. He’s coming into town tomorrow to pick up the books on his reading list for uni.” The bouncer looked at me and nodded.
Lyle had used my name to get him, whoever he was with, and us on the guest list. My suspicions were that he’d bragged about me being his cousin and that if I came here, so would my teammates, which would bring in punters who’d spend.
The club was standard plush. A VIP area with table service, a couple of dance floors, booths, and an area that was separated off with privacy glass. I’d been in worse places, and I could see how this would attract a certain crowd, probably some of the younger players whose egos still enjoyed being stroked.
“Any time you want to leave, just say,” I whispered into Jerrica’s ear. “My cousin will be okay — he’ll be trying to show off.”
