She shook her head. “No need.”
“There’s every need.” I closed the door behind me and went to the units, resting against one of those while she tidied up around her. “I’ve avoided you.”
“You have. You know, Nate, I’m a big girl. I didn’t expect anything to come of what we did – I’m not looking for a ready-made family, and ultimately, you want someone who fits in with all aspects of your life. I didn’t deserve to be made to feel awkward.”
She looked beautiful. That was my first thought. Her eyes were bright, angry, her cheeks coloured with a blush that was all natural, and no doubt there because she was pissed off with me. She was wearing a sports vest, and those tight yoga pants that had stuck in my waking dreams for the last fortnight, or more. Her hair was tied back in a plait and I was struggling to look at it without remembering how it had felt wrapped around my hand while I fucked her from behind.
“You didn’t. It was all on me. I felt guilty.” I pressed my lips together and waited for her to chastise me.
She didn’t. There was a slight nod and she carried on tidying.
“You were the first – you are the first – woman I’ve been with since I got together with Chan. I didn’t feel guilty at all until Libbie was ill, and I guess things just hit me. I should’ve spoken to you - ”
“Or sent a message. Just told me thank you, next, or something, and not left me hanging. You know Levi treated me like shit, and I’m not saying you did anything like what he did, Nate, but you’ve really knocked my confidence and there wasn’t that much there to knock to start with.”
I closed my eyes because now I really did feel like shit. “Amber – fuck.” I rubbed my face. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that, but I get why you did.”
When I looked at her again she was shaking her head. “I kind of knew it wasn’t because of me.”
“What?”
“I don’t think you’re a bad bloke, Nate. In fact, I think the opposite and it was always going to be hard, you know, the first person you sleep with after your wife’s death. I get it. I just wish you’d told me, just said something like ‘struggling to get my head round doing this and Chan’ or something.” She sat down on her table. “Let’s just agree to move on. We had a couple of good times. It broke my dry spell.”
“And mine.” I didn’t want to move on, if I was honest. She still looked so fucking beautiful, sitting there, with her dark hair and eyes that made me never want to look away. “Friends?” I sounded pathetic.
She nodded. “Friends.”
I wanted to kick myself already for what I was about to do, because it was the most stupid thing. Three paces was all it took before I was in front of her, taking hold of her shoulders and pulling her into a hug.
She slid off the table, wrapping her arms around me and when she looked up, I decided I couldn’t help it, dropping a slight, quick kiss on her mouth.
When I moved away, wondering if I needed to brace myself for a slap from her – I would be giving myself one later – her eyes were glassy, lips slightly parted. I recognised it as want.
“Nate, you’ve already said this is confusing you. It’s confusing me too.” Her hands crept up my arms towards my biceps, her fingers digging in there.
Already my body had responded her hers, I had a semi and my little, stupider, head was already interpreting this as a chance to get back inside her, which definitely wasn’t going to happen. Not right now, but I’d only be fooling myself if I said it wasn’t going to happen ever again.
“I should go.” I didn’t want to. “I don’t mean to send you mixed messages. But just know that you’re perfect and if my head was in a different space–”
“And I wanted kids.” She smiled. “Because I’m not sure if either of us are the type of people who can just ‘have fun’.” She was still holding onto me.
“Pretty much.” I kissed her again, not because I couldn’t help it, that would be denying responsibility, but because I wanted to and she was looking at me like she wanted that kiss as well.
It was sweet, tender, all those words that belong on the same pages as romance and hearts and flowers, and nothing that we could have because there was probably no point, until that kiss took a turn down a different road.
Her hands palmed my shoulders harder, her mouth opening up more for me to plunder. She tasted of chocolate and sports drinks, and she smelled of the balms she used when treating players. It was all so her, so Amber, and I took all that she wanted to give me, and maybe a little more.
My cock was fully hard now, pressed against Amber’s stomach, but it was going to be disappointed. As much as I wanted to find satisfaction in her body, I wouldn’t be doing so. I’d feel guilty again afterwards, for messing her about as well as losing control, but a kiss was harmless.
I stole it, planning to keep it hidden in my memories, that this wasn’t ending on sour terms.
When it ended, I took the step back. “I should go before we end up on your table again.”
She smiled, her lips swollen from the kisses. “Probably for the best.”
“If I keep my distance it is because I don’t want to make either of us feel like shit again, not because I’m avoiding you because I don’t want you. I hope that makes sense.” I pushed a hand through my hair, pulling on it slightly.
“I get it. I want to say I’m here to talk, but maybe let’s keep it to messages. For the time being anyway.” She hugged herself, making her look young and vulnerable.
