“Go on.” I tried to smile.
He coughed, then laughed, nervously I guessed. “When you went skiing, were you with the actor who’s in the new period drama?”
“Yes. There was speculation in the media that we were having a fling. That wasn’t true. I don’t go for princesses and he’s a princess. It was a while ago – when did you see the photo?”
“A while ago. If you were dating anyone, would you let me know so I don’t see it in the press first? I don’t want one of my fucking teammates riling me about it, or someone playing for the other side.” His eyes had gone stony, the same sort of look he got when I’d seen close ups of him being pissed off with an opposing player.
“I haven’t been on a date with anyone. And I’ll tell you if I do.”
“Thank you. About Lotte, though.” He looked away from the screen.
I held my breath.
“She’s not in a good place right now. We’re not getting back together, but I’m trying to help her get sorted.”
“Oh. Okay, but what does that mean?” I didn’t feel good about this.
He shook his head and pushed his hand through his hair again. “She’s burned herself out with work, and I don’t think she knows how to sort it, because she won’t not work.” He rubbed his face again, clearly finding this uncomfortable. “She has it in her head that she wants a baby…”
“And don’t tell me, she wants you to be the father?” My heart was now in my stomach. There was no way that lemon cake was going to be eaten.
He nodded. “I’ve said no. She’s saying she doesn’t want us to get back together – she’s pissed off at me because I’ve sold out of the business which means I can’t scoop up the work from her – but she’s fixated on what a child would be like if we had them together.”
“And you don’t want that?”
He shook his head. “No. It’s not that I don’t want kids, I do, but I want to be a father to them should it ever happen. That wouldn’t happen with Lotte. She has a life I don’t want.”
But did he still want her? I knew he’d said he wasn’t interested, but they had history. All I had with him was a few months of some amazing, but brief, hook-ups.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m trying to persuade her to take a holiday somewhere. She’s due to fly back to California the day after tomorrow, so it’s a case of trying to make sure there’s someone there to help her out when she gets back.” He smiled, looking calmer. “I should’ve told you more what was going on, but it sounds more important than it actually is. I didn’t want it to be a big deal.”
I swallowed. “It’s fine. Honestly, I get it. How was Lotte about us seeing each other?”
He laughed. “It was Lotte who told me about the photos of you and your co-star. She told me she was sorry we’d split up.” He shook his head. “You’re the first person she’s known me be with since Lotte and I ended it. I think she expected us to get back together.”
I nodded but couldn’t find any words. They’d been stolen by the effort it was taking to keep my heart racing, because that was the only way my body could keep itself going right now.
“Otter, I don’t want to get back together with Lotte. I’m not interested in her.”
I’m interested in you.How desperately I needed to hear those words, but I was too proud to ask for them.
“It’s okay. We’re on a break, I suppose. You’re not accountable to me. And I get you need to help your friend.”
His laugh was sarcastic. “On a break? Are we Ross and Rachel now?”
I shook my head, looking away from the screen and trying to blink back the tears that had formed. “You know what I mean. But do you believe me that nothing went on with me and Gully? The photos – they were just us having fun.”
“I believe you. But like you’ve said, we’re on a break so you don’t owe me an explanation, Otillie.”
He had me in a corner. “I wish I was there. I wish I’d been at the ground tonight and seen you play.” My voice was bubbling with emotion. Never mind the big slice of cake, I was probably going to eat everything that was left as soon as my stomach had stopped chewing my heart.
“I wish you were here too.” He sounded pained. “I really do.”
“Even with what’s going on with Lotte?”
Ryan nodded. “Especially with what’s going on with her. Look, you find out about the nominations next week. Are you home for the BAFTAs?”
