“You mentioned that when you got here.” He’d been preoccupied during our first dinner after he’d arrived, his mind on something else. When I’d asked, he’d told me how awkward he felt she was being, and although the company was making a really good profit, he wasn’t feeling it anymore.
I sensed there was more. He had a history with Lotte, which I didn’t feel was completely ended.
“How do we do this?” I blinked back tears that had appeared with the words.
“Do what?” He sat us both up, his arms still around me. “I need more explanation than that.”
“This. Us. We have no idea when we’ll next see each other. We both have so much on and you’ve already seen me have a jealous moment today when you mentioned Amber. How do we do us for the next few months?” I turned around on his lap, facing him, needing to try to read his expression.
He pushed his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know, Otter, but you’re right – we both have loads of shit on right now. Why don’t we just see how it goes. Keep texting and phoning. Being friends.” He looked confused. “Maybe that’s what we need to be for the next few months.”
I nodded. Part of me wanted to get off his lap and create enough distance between us so I had space for the emotions that were hitting me, but I didn’t. The bigger part of me wanted to stay as close as possible. “I don’t want us to split up.”
“I don’t think we are, are we?” He moved a piece of hair back behind my ear.
I probably looked a complete mess right now. No make-up, hair unbrushed – sex hair unbrushed – and clothes that I wouldn’t wear out in public, even to put the bins out.
“No. But we kind of need to pause things, don’t we?”
He didn’t nod, just looked at me, as if he was working me out. “I don’t need to know when I’ll next see you, but if pausingthismakes you feel more in control, then that’s what we’ll do.”
I nodded. It made sense. “Maybe we need to be just friends first, for a bit anyway.”
“Maybe. Maybe we’re friends anyway. I don’t know, Otillie.” He shrugged. “I don’t want to, fuck, I’m shit with this sort of stuff.”
I expected him to move away or try to create some space himself, but he didn’t. His arms stayed around me; his eyes stayed on me.
This was so fucking hard.
“We’re not ending things.” There was a note of panic in my voice that even I couldn’t hide.
“Just slowing things down for a few months while everything calms down.” He pulled me in closer to his chest. “I don’t think either of us are in a position to make a commitment for the next few months. Let’s take that pressure off.”
I inhaled his scent that I was pretty sure was ingrained into his skin, relaxing into the place where I felt safest. “Okay. But we’re not ending things.”
“We’re not ending things, Otter. I’m not interested in seeing anyone else, including Amber either.” His words were a fleecy blanket, warm and soothing. “But you’re free to make your own decisions. I’m not going to lose my shit if I see you with someone else.”
“It won’t be anything anyway. Just the press. Do we say anything to the media?” My pitch was rising again. I needed to get a grip.
“There’s nothing to say. Let them speculate if they want. We’re not members of the Royal Family who need to give a statement.” He pressed a kiss to my shoulder. “Relax. Let’s enjoy today.”
Twenty-four hours later and I was sitting in a coffee shop with Lila and the biggest chocolate sundae they could make. I hadn’t cried, I hadn’t let the crazy out and I’d waved Ryan off in a taxi with a smile on my face that didn’t let it slip how fucking horribly heartbroken I felt.
Lila watched me from behind her extra-large, extra black coffee, giving me the stink eye.
“Drop the act.” She wagged her finger at me. “I know you want to get on the first plane to Manchester and declare your undying love.”
“Yep.” I dug the spoon into the chocolate ice cream, the whipped cream having already been inhaled. “Absolutely.”
“Are you going to do it?”
I laughed. “I have an interview this afternoon at three, a meeting with my agent at five and dinner with the people from that cosmetics company at eight. I don’t think I can squeeze a flight to Manchester in and, you know, Ryan hardly tried to persuade me that we could still make a go of it.” I held back the sob that was desperate to escape. I would not cry in public. I would not cry today and I definitely didn’t have time to cry tomorrow.
Lila shook her head. “He said you weren’t ending things. Focus on that rather than what he didn’t say. You’ll probably have a text from him in a few hours telling you he’s home and missing you already.”
I shrugged. “Let’s change the subject. How come you didn’t get arrested?”
The smile that crossed my best friend’s face was full of sheer dirt.
